Many of us who hear the bad news “you have cancer,” are also surprised by how many people turn away from us. Those who we had thought were our best friends, or who would help us to the end suddenly won't return phone calls. We discover that the word “cancer” is a powerfully frightening thing in our society, and people do not always react the way we expect.
Yet, sometimes people come through for you in spectacular ways. Have you ever had a room full of people applaud you? Well, maybe you are a famous movie star, or a motivational speaker, or community theater actor and applause is part of your world. But, I never have had that experience, nor expected to.
I have been off work for five weeks, recovering from a liver resection done for metastatic breast cancer. My place of business, which happens to be a high school, was putting on their customary yearly Thanksgiving Feast. It's very rare that the entire staff, from custodian to principal, have time to sit down together. All of us work for the benefit of kids in one form or another, but rarely do we join together. This was one of those times, and I decided I'd go say hi.
When I walked into the room, unexpectedly since I'd told nobody I was coming, all the people sitting down to their Thanksgiving meal – all 100 of them - burst into spontaneous applause. Loud, lengthy, extended clapping. For me.
I knew then, that I was home.
These people had been unusually supportive considering I've only been working at this school for a year. They took up a collection and gave me enough money so that my family could stay in a hotel for a few days while I had surgery in a different city. Then, when I came home, they took turns and brought me meals – wonderful things so while I was recovering, my family could eat. I didn't have to cook (or eat take-out) for weeks. And flowers, I even got flowers, sometimes left on my doorstep. A little gift to show I was not forgotten.
I have found support from relatives and friends, but like all cancer patients, have found some who have turned away, unable to look. Rather than let that hurt, it's important to realize support can come in the most unlikely places and for unlikely reasons. You may have that relative or former best friend who never calls you again. Cancer does that to some people. Mourn it and let it go.
Then remember: family is where you make it and support comes in many forms. Find your own and enjoy the applause.
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Sometimes you just gotta laugh to keep from crying...thanks for your wonderful sense of humor.
November 28, 2011 - 10:30pmThis Comment
Ann, thank you for sharing this story. Your blog and writing are such a source of support and strength for me during a difficult time--I am so grateful.
November 27, 2011 - 9:09pmThis Comment
Thanks for sharing your life and story with us Ann, I am always so encouraged by what you write and really appreciate you. You are a ROCK STAR, and I wish I could have been in the crowd to applaud you myself!
November 26, 2011 - 7:55amThis Comment
thanks for sharing your story. as a faithful blog follower, i am glad that your journey can now be shared in this format too for those unaware of the BDIHP blogsite. be well nicola
November 25, 2011 - 8:49amThis Comment
Hi Ann,
Your blog, FB and Yelp accounts have kept me laughing, crying, and help encourage me. If we lived closer, I'm sure we'd be fast friends and would be meeting to eat at all the best restaurants in town.
Cancer has been a huge part of my life since 1996 and I want to assure you and others who have friends who disappear, the people who run away are running from the cancer, not from you.
You see, I've been a caregiver for several people with cancer. I've given 100% to 10% depeding on various factors.
With Mom, I was there from before diagnosis, urging her to get the biopsy, to being there for surgeries, radiation, chemo (they let me sit with her), doctor visits, shopping, etc,. Over 12 years, my babies grew up with me taking care of my mom (dad died 1 year before her diagnosis and mom didn't drive so you get one guess who the primary caregiver was). I loved my mom and treasured every minute with her, and was blessed to not have to work (thanks, hubby) and be able to help as needed, sometimes 24/7. My children accompanied mom and me to hospital waiting rooms, doctor visits, even chemo. Many times I was torn. Once, I was chastised by a police officer for trying to pass some cars in a funeral procession--I'd driven across Atlanta early one morning, after dropping the kids at mom's morning out, to take my mom to radiation. Traffic was horrible on the return trip, but I was still on time for pick-up. One mile from the preschool, traffic was stopped for a funeral procession. I had never been late, but knew the late fee was steep and the embarrassment factor was huge. I pulled up to the stop light and was chastised by the policeman who obviously didn't know or care that I'd spent my morning caring for my mom and had to get my children--he only knew I was trying to pass the procession. I was horrified. There were many times I had to choose who got my time, my kids or my mom. There were 12 years between diagnosis and passing, so my kids had a different childhood then I'd envisioned. Again, I treasured every minute with Mom; she was my best friend.
There have been other people, ranging from friends to family of friends, who have had various diagnoses, and I've helped as I could. A few years ago, one friend lost a son and while I helped organize meals, transportation, and lodging, my daughter was sick. It turned to pneumonia, and on the way to the doctor, I passed the cemetery where the graveside was taking place for her son.
About this time last year, I found your blog, via Twitter, about the time a friend was diagnosed with breast cancer. I found such inspiration because you've helped me go back to reach those first impulses to respond with love and care. I have several people on CaringBridge, and only one is in remission and one has passed. It's grueling.
So, all this to say, be compassionate toward those who you feel have abandoned you. Maybe say a tiny little prayer for them. They may be praying for you and for whatever reason, maybe that is all they can do. I believe we will all know everything when it is our time, and until then, use your strength to heal. Think positive thoughts. Focus on life, love, and positive energy. Take huge, cleansing, peaceful breaths. Read anything by Dr. Bernie Siegel. He has a radio show, too. Google him.
November 25, 2011 - 7:48amThe world needs you.
Peace, Marie
This Comment
I'm clapping loudly and vigorously for you, too, Ann! And thanks for your thoughts on letting go of the pain that comes from not having the support you expected because, like you, I've had amazing support from people I would never have expected to rise to the occasion. I'm truly humbled by all of that. And as for the family and close friends who made my heart hurt ... I have to let it go and fill that painful spot with the joy and appreciation for the happy surprises.
November 23, 2011 - 2:40pmThis Comment
What a great story! We've had wonderful support from family and friends as well. Sure, a couple people dropped off the face of the Earth but overall, I think most people want to help.
November 23, 2011 - 8:15amThis Comment
Thank you for sharing this story. You've made me laugh when reading your blog, and this story made me cry. I think cancer sucks the big one, but you haven't let it take away your sense of humor, and I really respect that. Simply put, "you ROCK the house". Keep on rockin' sister.
November 23, 2011 - 8:05amThis Comment
Thank you for sharing. Hope you're continuing to improve.
November 23, 2011 - 3:03amThis Comment
Ann, sounds like you work in the right place! Great story. :)
November 22, 2011 - 5:24pmThis Comment