I am 30 and my boyfriend is 40. We've been dating 1 year. We started out having a great sex life. Then 4 months into the relationship he started having to travel for work and got a really busy schedule. He recently got a promotion and is under a lot of stress. He doesn't like that he has to travel very much and has told me that he is looking forward to not having to be in Sacramento so much. We still hang out as much as possible. However I have an opposite schedule (work the evening shift 2-10:30pm) and he works during the day. On weekends he is exhausted. I am very frustrated because I would like to have sex 1 or 2x a week, and in the past 6 months it has been a struggle. He will occasionally say "ahh, I have to get to work!" and jump out of bed in the morning really stressed like and get on all his clothes before we have any intimate time. His other excuse is I have to be at a meeting. I am at the point where I am just so frustrated. We both love eachother and I know he is under a ton or stress with a new promotion that requires 12 hour days. He says he cannot handle me pouting or being sad. When we have sex it good. He has said that I am "the best".
I waited until I was 25 to have sex. He's had many years to have this enjoyment. I'm not a crazy sex addict, I just need sex (it's essential) 1 or 2x a week. We average 4x a month. But occasionally if I'm on my period or he's dead tired I'm scared to initiate sex. I don't want to be turned down.
Is there something wrong with me having to ask him questions and need to have sex. I am in my prime and don't want to waste my time. However, I love him, and I know that we both want to stay in the relationship. Do men's sex drives slow down in their 40's?
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I can't believe I came across a story like yours because I can empathize with you. Our story is very similar but different. I, too, is 30 years old and had a boyfriend who was 40. And honestly, I've been with him for 1.5 years and our sex wasn't that great. He doesn't initate it and he has turned me down before a few times. I thought it was me. I was angry all the time and I was mad at him for not wanting me the way I wanted him. I started rationalizing everything and it drove me crazy. Bottom line, I'm 30 and I was a late bloomer, I was hungry for sex all the time because my previous relationships have been intense in the sex department. Then i come across this guy (the 40 year old) who used to sell sex toys and DVDs on the side and so I thought he had a kinky side to him. It turned me on. It turns out to be the opposite, low libido. I can't talk for all the guys out there who are 40 but my man had a low sex drive. I tried every thing possible to ignite that fire burning so deep inside me, from bubble baths with rose petals, new bed sheets that smelled like vanilla, I wore cute lingerie to bed, i gave him sex coupons, sex scratchers. Honest to goodness, I went all out on him because I loved him. But then at some point, I have reached my max and I had to call it quits. I stayed with him for a few more months because I did tell him I was unhappy. He told me he would make a conscientious effort. But did he? When I gave him a few more months, I ddint give him an ultimatum, I simply had him on time clock after I told him about my unhappiness in the relationship. My dealer breaker wasn't the fact that our sex sucked, it was the fact that he didnt want to make an effort to make it better. I tried but I failed. But it's ok now because now I'm with someone who is a nympho and I can't keep up but it does keep me going. And I love it.
One thing I've learned from all of this is that, you need to balance what works for you. Is sex the only factor that have affected your relationship or are there others? Weigh in the pros and cons and decide what you want to do about it. Someone once told me that change won't happen until you start doing something about it. I have to be the spark that ignites the blaze that will either eat this relationship up or makes him realize what he'll lose- a beautiful, strong, loving, caring woman!!!
Guess who finally comes knocking down my door? But only a few months late....
March 5, 2015 - 3:30amThis Comment
Issuing ultimatums? Really? As a forty-seven year old male, in best physical condition of life, I can say that 'psychologically' if issued an ultimatum by anyone, for any damn thing on Earth, will guarantee a 100% opposite reaction to what 'they' wanted. Nobody, and I mean nobody - is owed sex. Where exactly did you all come to follow this 'entitlement' movement regarding sex? You have water? Food? Air? You'll live. Get over it.
May 10, 2017 - 10:40amThis Comment
She clearly said that she did not issue ultimatums smh
July 4, 2017 - 8:43amThis Comment
I'm 45, with a 20's appearance. I've been exercising and eating, for over 20 years. I don't smoke, rarely drink and don't associate with people that are stressful, that includes family. I'm 5"7 and weigh 145#'s, my high school measurements. I have sex 7-15 times a day, without medication. I haven't taken over the counter or prescribed drugs in over 30 years. It's all about a healthy lifestyle or maybe I'm a sex addict to a degree.
December 30, 2014 - 10:09amThis Comment
oh my god i'm not on my own 43 eat dream breath sex lucky for me got a sex addict partner and enjoys toys love my toys as gotten older
February 13, 2015 - 12:49pmThis Comment
I am stuggling here. My boyfriend is 41 and I am 26 we have been together for 7 1/2yrs and when we first got together I was able to turn him on with a look and we were going at it all the time, then it became 1x a week, and now I feel like its a struggle to go at it 1x a month, he always tells me he feels so bad and like a failure about it, he says that it's not that I don't turn him on. He just is so worn out and tired and doesnt feel sexy by the end of the day. He says that he doesnt want to lose me. I tell him he wont lose me over it, but I struggle I am always ready to go, and it gets hard sometimes to put that feeling away. Any advise? I know he loves me that is not a question, but sometimes I cant help but feel like he just doesnt find me attractive anymore.
September 25, 2014 - 9:54amThis Comment
I am in a relationship with a 49-year-old. I am 38. Obviously he is older than me by 11 years. He owns his own company he is under a lot of stress. I was a restaurant manager before and I owned my own childcare before then, I have never had any problem with any man of any age turning me down. but of course I fall in love with the 40-year-old man but I might eventually have sex twice a week. My sex drive even for a 38-year-old woman is extremely high. I am not a nymphomaniac, but definitely in my sexual prime. He is a well-known and well wanted man where my children I have moved out of state to be with him. This already makes me feel insecure, and with him constantly turning me down more than he ever has in the earlier part of our relationship is not helping. I do not want to cheat on him. But I am very afraid that one day when I am weak that will happen. He's an amazing man and like I said before I am totally in love with him. I will be lucky if in our next year he wants to have sex once a week. I want to have sex at least once every other day. Am I abnormal or does he possibly have a health problem?
August 29, 2014 - 12:33amThis Comment
Well My story is a long one BUT I ned help ..... I am 34 and my husband is 41 and we have been married for 11 years and 4 years ago I fell pregnant with our second child and I also found out that my hasband had been seeing (not sexually... I hope) someone at work and he had been on a dating site and was 'chatting' to about 6 ladies and he had met with one or two of them. we had a huge blow out over this as I said this was cheating and he believes it was not :) he promised to stop all of this and well I decided for our son and our unborn child and myself that I would give him another chance. Sex was great after that BUT lately is non existant and well I have spoken to him about this and he says there is nothing wrong with him we are just busy and get to bed late and bla bla bla ..... so I am not sure were to from here. I initiat ALL the time and when I dont then we go for weeks without action.... I need him to intiate some times and not after I tell him to or well remind him that is has been 67 days since our last incounter ....... HELP
August 5, 2012 - 10:58pmThis Comment
I too have the same problem I am 26 years old and my husband is 40years old we've been together for a year now and wee have a 4months year old daughter, in the begining our sexlife was off the chain, we almost have sex 7days straight twice a day, so when I gave birth to our baby girl that changes everything, he work ahard as ever and he work 7days a week straight long hurs sometimes 12 to 13 hurs ia day...we fight eversince this happens, I want him so bad I'm telling you all I never felt hornier in my life..lol..I guess its because everythings hits once you have a baby, but everytime I asked him r we going to ripped the monsters eye tonight? His response was baby I'm so tired, there's nothing wrong with my dick but I'm so tired I just want to sleep, it came to a point where we only have sex once in a week and a half, sometimes I'm thinking of leaving him because his getting to old to be stress out because he is the only working person in the house, its sad too looking at him trying to make it out and make me happy at the same time,somehow I feel guilty of having a baby so early, I'm not regreting having my daught but I just wished we could date more before I become preggo, now we fight a lot, sometimes we don't care if talk to each other anymore but if I make up with him first it makkes me feel I'm trying to begged him for sex andmakes me look stupid and desperate..please I need help advice to save my marriag
June 2, 2011 - 9:43pmSex struggle
This Comment
We have encountered many women who are going through similar situations as yours, so no, you are not a crazy sex addict, and you sound like you have a normal, healthy interest in sex.
It sounds like you two have great communication, but perhaps can work on this one piece of the puzzle. You have made it very clear that you would like to be intimate with your boyfriend once or twice per week. What is his ideal? I would bet it is also once or twice per week. If so, how can you together make this happen, at least most weeks?
It really does not sound like he has a problem with his sex drive (from what you describe), but that he truly is stressed, over-worked and exhausted. I think the difference with men in their 40s versus in their teens (even into their 20s!) is that the "older" men actually have the ability to focus their attention on things outside of sex that interest them, whereas "younger" men have the new surge of hormones that mentally and physically bring them back to "oh, yeah! I could be having sex right now!". OK---this is a huge stereotype, but I'm assuming the reason you fell for an older man (I did too...my husband is 11 years older than I am, and is 45) is that they are more sophisticated--yet still goofy and kid-like--they are interesting, sexy and fun to be around. With this also comes patience on our part that they may get tied up in work more than a younger 20-something, as the 40-somethings have worked twenty-plus years to get to where they are at in the workforce, compared to most (again, generalizing) 20-somethings who are in college or just beginning in their career. We have also grown up with the belief that men always want to have sex, and are surprised when they aren't in the mood...and we are! How can they resist us, is the underlying question (and hurt we feel). When we (females) are busy doing other things that interest us...this is considered more "normal" throughout society, so is not really questioned. Imagine your question asked by your boyfriend, "my gf only wants sex 1-2 times per week. What's with her sex drive? Does she not love me; am I wasting my time on her?" Imagine how the response to him would be different!
I guess my biggest advice is: talk with him, and listen to his answers. What does he want, how does he want to make it happen, and when? Is he fine with the current arrangement? Does he feel intimate with you in other ways, and if so, how? What is his fear of more sex, more often? (This was a big one--does he fear that getting intimate will take too much time, or he will be pressured to perform to a certain standard, and really wants to be with you, but not with expectations?) Can you two think of other ways to be physically intimate that does not take as much time and energy as an entire love-making episode that would please you both??
Please know that your sex life will ebb-and-flow throughout the years, depending on what is going on in both your life and your partner's life. Try to take the blame and frustration out of it, and figure out what each different situation demands.
Let us know if this helps, and I would love to hear back from you, especially if you have a conversation (or ten) with your bf.
October 15, 2009 - 3:02pmThis Comment