Okay, so, you’re afraid something is wrong with you. You clicked this article because someone has shamed you for your sex drive. Maybe you’re obsessed with sex, you want it 3+ times a day and it improves your mood by a landslide. Or, maybe you’ve made your way over here because you could go months, maybe even years without the sweating and stickiness, and someone told you to “get checked out.” Maybe, just maybe, you’re in a relationship with a young woman and her libido confuses you and you’re trying to gather evidence to support your cause.
Let’s start here: You’re probably just fine. No -- you’re likely just fine. Your libido is most likely not cause for concern. Some people have big appetites; they want Taco Bell Cheesy Gordita Crunches every night (hi, me) and See’s Candies throughout the day (hi, me again). Some people love jogging at 6 AM and hitting the weight room at 6 PM the same day (hi, who are you and can you teach me your ways?). Sex is exactly the same. Some people really enjoy it while others would rather read a really good book. Know what else? Sometimes our personal preferences change. Sometimes I want to read fantasy novels and other times I need some brain food. Why does sex have to be different? It isn’t.
Because our culture is so sex-obsessed, we can drive ourselves mad with wondering about our libidos. You know what’s way more important? Are you giving consent? It’s not sex unless it’s consensual. Are you enjoying yourself in bed? If not, maybe this is why you don’t want to have sex and we can go over that a bit. Are you comfortable with how often you have sex? If you aren’t in the mood for sex but really wish you were, we can go over some mood enhancers, as well. The key here is to ask yourself if your sex drive is hindering your ability to enjoy life. Otherwise, stop worrying about it. You’re fine.
Let’s start with our gals who wake up thinking about sex, take some “me time” every day, and seek out a sexual partner regularly. If your sex drive is starting to negatively impact your relationships with others, if it never seems like enough, or if it’s getting in the way of you living your best life, you may want to seek medical or psychological help.
Some questions to ask yourself are: Is there something else I’m craving? Am I using this as a crutch? Am I trying to solve another problem here? Our bodies are weird and can be unpredictable. It’s normal to use sex as a means to cope with trauma, stress, and hardship. I mean, it feels good, right? If using sex to handle your problems and it is negatively impacting your life, then go ahead and see what’s up. Otherwise, embrace the carnal goddess within!
If someone is shaming you for being a sexual being, stand up for yourself. Compromise with your partner on sexual activity, and remember that men are not more sexual “by nature”. As a woman who is the initiator in her hetero relationship, I empathize with the feelings of embarrassment that come with having a higher libido than my male partner. My first few years of sexual activity were spent researching “What on earth is wrong with me?” along with questioning my desirability.
At the end of the day, what did I discover about men’s and women’s libidos? Once I got past all of the articles asking the opposite question (“Why doesn’t my wife want to have sex with me”) and the articles with stats about men’s sexual natures (without including societal control factors, mind you, I really don’t believe it’s up to science) I drew to the conclusion: Sex varies person to person. Some enjoy it more than others. Bada-bing, bada-boom.
For our ladies who would rather keep their legs crossed and their minds on other things: do you want to enjoy sex, but have found it just isn’t satisfying? Maybe you feel like the chase to orgasm just isn’t worth the outcome. If you want to have sex more, but just aren’t enjoying it, then I’m going to offer up some similar advice here: you should totally seek out medical or psychological help.
A friend of mine was having issues enjoying sex and it turned out she had a vitamin d deficiency. She began incorporating more vitamin d into her diet, and she also found that going to the gym regularly helped her blood circulation, making sex more enjoyable and boosting her craving for it. Depression can be a factor of low libido, but stress is the biggest mood killer, and various medications can also lower libido (sometimes increase it). Everybody’s body is different. That’s why the theme of this article is to just focus on what’s important to you, personally.
If you like sex fine, or even if you love it, you just don’t want it all the time, (and you are A-OK with that!) that’s normal. You’re normal. I can understand how a lack of sex can hinder a relationship where one partner is more interested in it than the other; compromise. As long as you’re both comfortable and consenting, of course.
According to doctors1, women’s sex drives can change dramatically every decade. With life and hormone changes happening constantly in women, your libido likely isn’t going to be very consistent. Why place so much pressure on something that doesn’t even know what it wants?
Your bubble bath might be time spent in solidarity with AirPods, or you may be asking someone to join you. Either way, there is no wrong or right or normal when it comes to libido. If you’re happy, if you’re consenting, and if you’re content, this is all the satisfaction you need. Nothing is wrong with you.
1. Health, July, 26, 2018, How Libido Changes in Your 20's, 30's, and 40's, https://www.health.com/condition/sexual-health/female-sex-drive-changes-20s-30s-40s