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I belong to a divorce recovery group in Austin, Texas. Sexual incompatibility is a common issue that contributed to the divorces in our group. Sometimes the husband wanted sex more frequently than the wife. (It could be the other way around, but I'll keep it simple for this article.) If the relationship is otherwise loving and healthy, how can a couple deal with this?
One possibility is for the man to have multiple sex partners. Another is for the woman to participate in sex more often than she wants to, faking orgasms if necessary. A third option is for the man to court the woman, and settle for what he can get. All of these are ideas I've heard from divorced people.
There are other ways that become obvious when we keep in mind that we don't have to make babies every time we have sex. It's OK for married people to use any combination of self-stimulation and partner stimulation. It's OK to perform sexual activity without orgasm when you're tired, or distracted, or whatever. It's OK for one person to masturbate while the other snuggles, or cheers, or just relaxes. Don't be shy with your partner; you really don't have to follow a standard procedure.
The thrill of the chase is part of the excitement of a sexual relationship. Some degree of challenge can be an advantage, so don't worry if the two of you seem to be very different. Compatible does not mean similar; it just means capable of getting along.
I think sexual compatibility is actually the easy part. The challenge is developing a relationship healthy enough that you can work together on such personal issues.
Linda Fugate, Ph.D.
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