Facebook Pixel

Am i losing my boyfriend?

By March 22, 2010 - 11:45am
Rate This

I've been dating a man for over 2 years and we've had some ups and downs. But in the last few months he has had a impotence problem. Sex has become very frustrating. I convinced him to see a doctor and there was nothing really to blame medically though he is in his 40's. He says it has nothing to do with me but he doesn't call me like he used to, and just isn't as attentive.We only get to see each other on weekends because of work schedules. I feel like he's going through the motions and he say's that he think's, I'm going through the motions! I asked him to talk to me about whats going on that I need reassurance on how he feels about me and he turned around and asked if I was wanting a reason to get out of this relationship. Everything I try to say he takes it completely wrong and actually turns it back at me. Am I saying it wrong I just want to communicate or should I just give up? I'm getting depressed!

Add a Comment1 Comments

HERWriter Guide

Hi Shopgirl

Thanks for your question and welcome!

I'm sorry you are having relationship difficulties but I don't think there is any need to give up just yet! All relationships go though ups and downs and perhaps you're in the middle of a 'down' right now.

Are you saying his doctor said he is NOT impotent? If so, are you having sex at all or does it seem like he is unable to perform? Do you know for sure if he actually went? This is a very sensitive area for men so make sure you approach him gently.

It sounds like both of you need to stop the "I feel that you're" and "well, I think that you" conversations because these chats end up like a tennis game - just lobbying stuff back and forth and never really cutting to the chase.

I think you are making statements, instead of asking open-ended questions.

Instead of "I think you're going through the motions" and him returning with "I think YOU'RE going through the motions" (those kind of conversations go nowhere!) approach him with a different view on things. Let him know how you feel, by talking about how YOU feel, not how HE makes you feel.

Wrong : You make me feel like you're just going through the motions
Right : I don't want either of us to feel like we're just going through the motions. What can I do to make this better?

You know when people say "it's not what she said, it's how she said it?" - this is a very true sentiment. You're letting your boyfriend know how he makes you feel (an accusatory statement) and then asking him for reassurance on how he feels about you - putting everything in his court. He should not be fully responsible for how you feel. You can own much of that too. I know, based on his actions, that you probably want to yell at him sometimes (we all feel like that at times!) but if you want this to work, take a proactive and gentle approach and make your boyfriend know that you also hold the key to your happiness as a couple, not just him.

If he keeps shying away from conversations, will not communicate and will not consider couples counseling, then you may have to accept that you two are not a good match together. It takes many couples a couple of years to find this out and it does not necessarily mean one person shoulders all the blame - just that you are not a good match.

Perhaps spend a weekend away or even at home, with no friends to meet or things to do. Take walks and use those open- ended and gentle tactics I spoke about and draw him out slowly. Take some responsibity for the problems you are having right now so that he doesn't feel attacked. It might take a day or several weekends. I think every couple has a chance of making things work - but only unless both people make the effort.

Let me know what you think? Do you think he'd be open to some counseling?

March 22, 2010 - 1:18pm
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy
Add a Comment

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.

Sex & Relationships

Get Email Updates

Resource Centers

Sex & Relationships Guide

HERWriter Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.


Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!