boyfriend lost sex desire

I am going through something so similar. I have been seeing someone for almost 2 years in February. We "jumped" into the relationship feet first and have children involved as well. We both have children from other relationships and that is a factor in all this. We had amazing sex when we first got together and it slowly dwindled. I gently confronted him on the issue, he said it was him and not me, he actually went to see a doctor and the doc said his testosterone is somewhat low. He just lost his father a few months ago and is depressed about that. I am doing what I can to help him through all this, although ever since he turned 40 his sex drive has decreased substantially. I am very sexual for a female and comparing myself to others I've talked to and read about. I am so frustrated because I miss the passion and connection we once had but I am torn because I too am getting my heart right with God and want to do what's right. I had told him no more sex unless marriage, but I struggle with not having sex myself! The sex was already an area of struggle and issue, and now that I've got God in the picture again, it's even more difficult, because the sexual issues can't be dealt with anyhow until marriage. I just simply want he and I to be happy in the area of God and sex and it seems as though it can't be until later....

What do you do when you meet someone, you think you have it figured out that you've finally met your match sexually and then this person turns out to be something that doesn't fit in that area after all? Most everything else is good with us, but the sex is a big issue for me. He could go with or without the sex he said. I can't go without sex for too long and I have an enormous need for sexual intimacy in my life along with spiritual intimacy with God.

I need help to clarify what and how I am going to handle all this. I am so frustrated...

Thank you for your help.

thanks for the links also!!

Thank you so much. Yes,he tells me that he is very depressed now, and just so many things, no money at all, having to ask others for help with bills,his vehicle is breaking down and he has no money to fix it,he needs to get some medical care, just things build up at once. WHen he talks about finally getting a job (he looks ALL the time,there seems to be not be much employment where we live,our area has been hit really hard in the recession), i see the small glimmer or excitement in his eyes, so i do belive that getting a job will do wonders for him.

I guess that I"m worried that his lack of desire for me, even if it is from his depression or not, is to far gone to come back.....He said that he will do more "romantic" things with me if I would like to and if i feel that it would benefit our relationship,but he says he can't see how any of that would help....So I get kinda down about it,like it's not something that I can control or help.

I'm praying things will work out for the best.

Thank you.

Hi, Summerdayz. Welcome to EmpowHer, and thanks so much for your question. And don't worry, it's not too long. All those details help people know how to write back to you.

There's a lot going on here, isn't there? An awful lot of good things, and then a few that are a puzzle. Let's see if we can work on the puzzle pieces.

Does your boyfriend believe he is depressed? Would he seek help for it?

Because depression is a major cause of low libido. Major. And the fact that he no longer is doing other things that he used to be interested in is a key. When depression really sets in, it can seem absolutely impossible to believe that you'll ever be interested in anything again. It feels ludicrous. It feels stupid to even think about it. It feels fake. I know from experience. Do you know that once in the pit of my depression, something funny came on the radio in my car, and I laughed -- and then I realized how fake laughing seemed. That's how insidious depression can be. It creeps in around the edges and affects things you don't even realize in addition to the things you do realize.

I realize that seeing a therapist during a time of long unemployment may not be practical, but there are also places that will treat a person on a sliding scale. It might help him just to see someone once or twice, even, so he can learn how the depression is affecting him and perhaps get some strategy on how to deal with it. Is this a possibility, do you think?

Here are a couple of references and articles that discuss depression and loss of libido:

http://www.aafp.org/afp/20000815/782.html

http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/sexual-problems-and-depression

Here's something that is important to remember: Whatever he believes is TRUE for him. If he doesn't feel like a man, probably due to having no job and not being able to provide financially, then there isn't much you can do or say to change that. This is something that's coming from deep inside him and it may not get better until he can work. It is very possible that you could get married this minute and that nothing will change until the financial picture is a little steadier. He wants to feel productive and involved in the work world, and until he does, he'll feel unproductive and uninvolved. It's hard to feel sexually aroused when that's a reality.

I believe you that the two of you are right for one another, and I believe totally that you can get through this and to the other side. But I think it has more to do with him than it does with you, and I don't think marriage will necessarily change that. Depression is quite common, it can be treated, with therapy and/or with medication, and people learn that they can feel happier and more involved again.

Any possibilities here? Could I find you more information? Or do you need help finding resources where you live? If so, we can try to help with that as well, just write back with the city and state you live in. And come back and update us, OK? You need to be heard as much as your boyfriend does.