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ask: Boyfriend masturbates even though haveing a willing girlfriend

I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE ANY HELP. HERE IS MY STORY... I HAVE BEEN WITH MY BOYFRIEND FOR THE PAST 2 YEARS. IN THE BEGINNING OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS A BLAST HE ALWAYS GAVE SO MUCH OF HIMSELF AND ALWAYS PUT MY NEEDS FIRST. WHEN IT CAME TO THE SEXUAL SIDE OF THINGS, WELL BECAUSE OF THEY WAY I WAS RAISED AND ALSO MY PERSONAL BELIEVES WE NEVER WENT FURTHER THAN PLEASING EACH OTHER MANUALY, BUT IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT INTERCOURSE DID HAPPEN A FEW TIMES.
WE MOVED AWAY FROM HOME ABOUT A YEAR AGO TO BASICALLY START OVER IN OUR JOBS EXCTR...

EVER SINCE THEN THINGS CHANGED DRAMATICALLY.WE STILL DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS HERE AND MY BOYFRIEND IS EXPERIENCING MAJOR WORK STRESS. AS A RESULT OUR "PHYSICAL" RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN NON EXCISTING, FROM HIS SIDE THAT IS.
I AM NOW AT A POINT IN OUR RELATIONSHIP WHERE I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THING FURTHER AS I LOVE HIM AND WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A FILLING SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP.
I KNOWS THAT BUT STILL SHOWS VERY LITTLE INTRESS IN ME. OF COURSE THIS HURTS MY FEELINGS SO MUCH AS I THOUGHT THIS IS WHAT HE WANTED.
I RECENTLY DESCOVERD THROUGH SELF CONFESSION FROM HIS SIDE AFTER CONFRONTATION FROM ME. THAT HE REGULARY WATCH PORN AND MASTURBATE.
WORDS CAN'T DESCRIBE MY FEELING OF DISCUSS AND HURT!
AND ALL ALONG I BLAMED IT ON HIS WORK STRESS OR ON MYSELF. I FEEL CHEATED AND BETRAYED AND FEEL LIKE I WILL NEVER TRUST HIM AGAIN.
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND HIS REACTION. IS THIS NORMAL? AM I OVER REACTING? PLEASE ADVISE AND NO THERE IS NO ONE ELSE OF THAT I AM SURE.

Add a Comment87 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I am so glad to have found this site. I am in a new relationship of nine months with my boyfriend who used to be a total playa and was not above using sex to get women to pay for things for him. We started having sexual problems right in the beginning of our relationship. At first I overlooked his rejecting my sexual advances and the fact that his penis wouldn't get hard or would go limp during sex because of the fact that he has Crohn's disease. I did grumble a lot about the lack of sex and he did try his best to satisfy me in bed when he could get it up for me. However, he never initiated sex and had countless excuses for why he didn't want to f**k me. I spent many a nights crying myself to sleep after masturbating to porn. It was frustrating. We had a lot of fights over the issue because it began to make me feel insecure and think that he might have been cheating on me with one of his ex's who constantly texted and phoned him for sex. I felt unattractive and undesired by him and mentioned it to him. He blamed his Crohn's disease, the fact that he was embarrassed that his parents lived right below his room in the basement and could hear us having sex, and that he had lost his libido a while back after having been caught by two of his female friends (one of whom is the ex girlfriend still begging him for sex) and having realized how he had hurt them. Here's the kicker! I went through his iPod one night and accidentally stumbled upon porn videos he had watched. It shocked me that my boyfriend was wanking off to porn while he claimed he had no sexual desire left anymore. It hurt that he would rather watch porn to pleasure himself rather than to have sex with me when I was perfectly willing and actually dying to have sex with him. I brought it up to him and he made excuses that he had only watched porn on days when I was having my periods. He assured me that I was attractive to him or he wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with me. However, it was little consolation to know that my boyfriend knowingly ignored my sexual needs. He did start getting better at having sex with me once he went on steroids for his Crohn's and it has gotten waaay better since both of us have moved out of his parent's home. He did admit to me, however, that in past he used to images of boobs, ass, and pussy while having sex with his girlfriends and other women. He claimed that his last girlfriend and I were the only two women he did not feel the need to visualize female body parts with. Then again, he also told me that he no longer needed to watch porn because he realized that I was giving him oral sex on the days I was on my periods anyways. He didn't realize that I had seen porn videos on his iPod which he thought he had deleted a few days before and had said nothing about at that time. When I did tell him what I had seen on his iPod he got offensive and had the nerve to replay back with, "So What?" Even today he continues to watch porn whenever I am not around him. He has gotten smart about deleting history on my laptop which he uses and has even gotten super smart about deleting the history on his iPod recently after having been caught so many times by me however he doesn't realize I still find out when he watches porn because I am smart with computers and have my own ways. Honestly, I do not have an issue with porn per se. My problem is when my boyfriend uses porn to replace me. It is offensive, hurtful, and just plain cruel of him to neglect my sexual needs by expending his sexual energy on releasing his load to images of fantasy women on camera. I have suggested to him that we watch porn together to spice up our sex life but he is embarrassed by it and has not acted on that request. He has though started initiating sex more recently and he does not reject my sexual advances as much as he used to in the past after we had countless arguments over the issue where I shared my feelings with him about our sex life or lack thereof. No he is not a selfish lover in bed. He does go down on me and he makes sure that I orgasm each time we make love. Problem is that I feel our sex life suffers each time he watches porn because recently he has again started to lose his erections and this coincides with him watching porn more frequently again. As for those smart alecky people who might comment once I submit this comment: #1) No he is not cheating on me. I'm sure of this because we are together 90% of the time and because I'm very good at snooping on him and he has checked out perfectly so far. #2) Yes, it could be that our relationship is problematic and filled with frequent arguments. Well, we wouldn't have so many arguments if my boyfriend made me feel secure in our relationship by making me feel desired and wanted. #3) No, I am not ugly. Yes, I am overweight but he knew that before he made me his girlfriend. He himself has been noticing that I've only been getting skinnier we started dating. I'm very attractive overall and have no problems attracting other handsome men. In fact, all of my past lovers would love to get with me again if I gave them a chance. Plus, my boyfriend has dated girls way bigger than me in the past and a lot of the porn I catch on the iPod involves Latina and BBW's. And another thing: At least five of his friends have directly and indirectly expressed their interest in getting with me or have given me appreciative glances. #4) No, I am not sexually boring and thereby driving my poor unsatisfied boyfriend to the world of porn, LOL! I'm a very sexually charged, creative, and willing to experiment woman. I love giving him blow-jobs and I'm even willing to experiment with anal sex. I don't mind having sex in public places and I love talking dirty in bed if he'd only let me. He gets embarrassed and shh's me even when I moan because he doesn't want our roommates to hear us. He did not even f**k me when I had given him head during one of our daytime drives in scenic mountains. It was his first time getting head while driving and he was clearly enjoying it, yet at the same time he was very conscious of what was going on and was embarrassed and worried that someone would realize what was going on in the car. So much for a boring girlfriend, huh? The saddest part of it is that despite all of this I love him and I'm totally faithful to him. I did have many opportunities to have sex with other guys, but each time I kept seeing images of him on top of me in bed making love to me. To his credit he is physically and emotionally very affectionate towards me. He loves holding my hands and playfully touching me in public and he gives the best cuddles in the world. Only if he'd stop watching porn and take time to see the sexy in me :-(! I want to be his fantasy woman, I want to be his one and only sexy gal. I want to scream at him, "Baby just look at me, I'm wet and wild and ready to be had!" It's so sad that he doesn't appreciate what he has. So many men complain about their women not giving them enough sex and here I am a girlfriend of a man who doesn't appreciate and know how to use what he has been blessed with. Sigh!

February 4, 2012 - 5:54pm
misvives HERWriter Guide

Hi Anonymous,
I am not sure what your question is but you can use www.freetranslation.com to change your question into English.

Thank you,
Missie

August 21, 2011 - 9:18am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

As a man my theory of why this is happening these days has to do with a few things: one, the internet is a vast candy store with a limitless supply of beautiful women from around the globe. you don't even have to go to a paid porn site to get plenty of satisfaction, depending on your interests. Why settle for a typical mediocre woman? Second, unfortunately, women's gains in sexual freedom and domination have been men's losses. traditionally men like to feel they're in charge sexually. in many cases this is no longer the case as women often lack modesty these days and are too eager. Men like to hunt. its not as much fun when you're catch doesn't even feign trying to escape. Third, this "problem" is largely affecting "omega" type men who feel socially ostracized and emasculated by our current society. Alpha type men still see women beneath them (as prey) and thus are still in control sexually. Beta men by nature comply sexually by obligation but are the ones who suck in bed. Lastly, with our increasingly hedonistic society, there are an increasing number of "autosexuals" who would rather focus on their own sexual needs ONLY. It may not seem like it at first glance but they are doing "intercoursers" a favor by staying out of the picture.

June 10, 2011 - 8:54pm
blakerbob (reply to Anonymous)

"Why settle for a typical mediocre woman? "

OH my goodness. Here's this guy. Mediocre women are all that are left, once you turn off the spot lights, hello? The women in a porn clip are dolled up by professionals! There is tons of money in the budget to get whatever surgery they want/need. Breast implants at HUGE sizes, hair extensions, waxing, procedures that will shorten hanging unattractive vaginal flesh, and now you too can bleach your butthole. This is why women outside of porn will seem "mediocre" to a man that frequents porn sites. duh. Everything has changed because of women trying SO hard to please men and get attention

August 22, 2012 - 1:18pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

hola tengo 22 años y mi novio no quiere tener relaciones sexuales conmigo y se vive masturbando frente a la compu o en el baño o cuando yo estoy durmiendo y solo tenemos relaciones sexuales dos veces por semana.
nacesito que me ayuden ¿que puedo hacer?. no se si separarme estoy haciendo hasta lo ultimo para recuperar lo nuestro.

June 27, 2011 - 8:10pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

wow... almost the same thing happened to me last night.. i finally got my two year boyfriend to confess that he does masturbate after all the times he told me he was different and didnt... i feel soo hurt.. i thought he was different... never believed i would be lied on for two years straight.. what sucks is that he loves having sex with me and everything but his friends influenced him into the porn thing ever since he was 12... i dont know what to do now.. i feel soo betrayed.. =`(

July 19, 2010 - 4:36am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

ladies all i can say is buy some dick magazines and masturbate to it and see how your partner likes it. trust me they dont. it is bullshit that this is so socially acceptable and women think its ok. porn is for single guys who cant get any. why would you need porn when your in a relationship?? think about it, they are imagining fucking these women while they masturbate. is this ok to you???

July 4, 2010 - 5:22pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Finally! Someone else thinks the same as me! I always thought that society has gone down a wrong path because I dont see the point in taken men masturbating... They have girlfriends for that! Seriously... How can you be ok with your man fanatizing about another women? Its almost as bad as cheating.. Its very similiar. I love how you understand too... Whatever happened to being happy and satisfied with what you have available?.. *sigh*

July 19, 2010 - 4:41am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Warning... (a little explicit)

I am a woman, who has a very healthy sexual appetite (would love to have sex at least once a day). I watch porn with my boyfriend, I give many blowjobs & handjobs, I spice things up.

I am 21, he is 42. I do everything he wants me to, even anal when I am not a big fan of it. I dress up for him & I am always clean & ready to go. I never say no & am always wanting to do something to please him. I please him without even requesting reciprocation. I also can't stand that he masturbates to porn. I would much rather pleasure him, then have him on the computer stroking off.

Late last night I gave him a blow job, he came, I swallowed, he fell asleep. (As usual, I know this happens... I don't expect different.) But, this morning he wakes up & looks at porn right away & masturbates. I have told him before I would rather suck or stroke him off, then for him to do this. But he still does it.

He has admitted to having an addiction to porn. He'll do it again, I'll feel hurt (I'm very emotional, always have been.) I'll cry. He'll apologize & won't do it for a while. He'll be good & then he'll start doing it again, like he forgot we had the conversation.

80% if not more of our sex life revolves around him & his needs. I don't mind pleasing him. I actually enjoy doing everything for him, but when he won't take the time to please me, & instead pleases himself when he has a ready & willing partner, I feel hurt.

So for those who say, that she needs to "spice it up" that's not always the case. Being 22 years younger then him, with a box full of toys, rope, handcuffs, lube, who is always willing & ready whenever he needs me, I know that we don't need anymore spice. I swallow, I do anal, I am bisexual, I am experimental & adventurous.

I can't really answer the above question, but I can say that your not alone. I myself am trying to figure things out. I love this man with all of my heart & I never want to see my life without him in it. But something has to change a little bit because I can't stand feeling this way.

June 15, 2010 - 6:52am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

YOU WOMEN THINK YOU HAVE ALL THE ANWSERS ABOUT MEN'S SEX LIFE. SORRY YOU ARE WOMAN AND TRY TO CONTROL SEX AND EVERYTHING ELSE TO GET YOUR WAY. YOU HAVE A DOUBLE DOSE OF X CHROMOSOME WHICH IS WHY ALL CULTURES SINCE MAN WAS CREATED HAD CONTROL OF THERE WOMEN! SORRY BUT THAT IS THE FULL TRUTH EVEN THOUGH YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT! YOU ARE SO WRONG IN YOUR BELIEF! TODAY'S PROBLEMS WILL SURELY CHANGE YOUR BELIEF ONCE WE THIS ECONOMY PROBLEM LEADS TO MAJOR WAR! YOU HEARD IT HERE NOT FOR THE FIRST TIME BUT THOUGHOUT MAN KIND! WOMEN GET A CLUE AND SUPPORT YOUR MEN WITHOUT TRYING TO CONTROL!

April 17, 2010 - 2:17pm
blakerbob (reply to Anonymous)

Your post up there? Dumb! All caps? surely you know what that means? We are supposed to take your opinion seriously when you look to be extremely uneducated? Just sit down and read for awhile dude. You need to read for days. Control you complain about....hmmm... what to say to you.... well, put it this way....are the cops trying to control you by enforcing laws? It's control, so I thought I'd ask. Yes, Mr. Anonymous, sometimes SOMEONE has to be in control. Complete freedom doesn't exist for a reason. Grow a brain. thx.

August 22, 2012 - 12:34pm
Summers_isle

Anonymous,

I have no problem with what you say, and I can believe that you know a lot of people who are having an issue with porn. I would say, however, that if someone is in a bad relationship which would be anytime they are unsatisfied with an aspect of their partner, that they should take it as a lesson and screen for that characteristic in their next relationship (yes I think they need to move on). Too often people spend their entire lives trying to fix a relationship that will ultimately never satisfy them. If good sex is important to you then I would encourage you to have sex before you commit to a long term relationship with a guy. If the sex is not good enough, move on. There may be guys out there who are addicted to porn. Well do your part in helping Darwinism root those types out. Just dont have their children. If you do decide to have children, educate them, find a way to talk to them about negative addictions like porn and how to recognize a bad habit forming before it becomes destructive. Aside from that there is really not much you can do about it. You can argue that there should be some governmental intervention, but personaly I am dead set against any further govt spending or medaling in public affairs in the US. As far as I'm concerned the govt is poking their nose into far more than they should be as it is and the current level of govt spending is close to 50% of the income of the population as it is (not even counting this huge stimulus package that recently went through). I suppose you could always start a not for profit organization to educate the world. All of that being said I realize that this is a place to come where you can complain about the things that are bothering you, and I think that's great. I just worry that some people may take a shared aggravation and dwell on it more than is healthy. By all means blow off steam and let other women know that they are not alone out there, just please dont make the mistake of thinking that this is a problem that can be solved by trying harder. If a man is addicted to porn he is not going to stop just because he has a loving wife who is becoming less happy, or sadly even if she were threatening to leave him over it. Any addiction recovery program relies on avoiding the things that remind you of your addiction. for alocoholism they tell you not to walk down the beer/wine isle at your supermarket. if there is something you need on that isle find it in another market where it's not near the alcohol. How would you stay away from the things that remind you of internet porn? avoid using computers? avoid looking at women? Not going to happen. It's one of those things where they have to bottom out before they will want to change badly enough. And more than likely they will have to bottom out more than one time.

I would also urge you to keep in mind that not every guy who is not interested in sex with his girl and who still masturbates to porn is an addict. Some times guys feel too much pressure to perform and porn is a pressure free release. So before you go and leave an otherwise good relationship look first at that aspect, and if it turns out that the guy is just plain addicted to porn then so be it. Let him have his addiction and tell him what he is offering is not enough and that you are leaving. That is how I choose to approach relationships, you can take my advise or leave it, and while I may sound rather emphatic I certainly dont begrudge anyone their own point of view, just dont expect me to change mine :)

March 13, 2010 - 3:12am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

There is obviously some new trend going on if you look at the sheer amount of questions of this nature and the amount of readers and comments! Almost every day now, there is a question about some woman whose husband or boyfriend won't have sex with her and oftentimes she says that he still looks at porn.
So obvious!

March 11, 2010 - 11:19am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Summers_isle,
If a man ONLY looks at porn and masturbates to it every day and is refusing sex with his wife or girlfriend, who is hot and wanting sex, then porn is definitely a problem.
If a man would rather look at simulations of sex and gets less and less interested in having relations of sex, then porn is a problem. He is becoming a voyeur and NOT a participant.
I have to say to the older married ladies out there, that unless if you are 20 and 30 something and newly married or dating, then you probably don't know what I mean.
I have a friend who just got married a year ago and her marriage never even got consummated as her new husband is so addicted to porn that he can't get aroused by his new wife. They are divorcing already. I had a friend whose boyfriend couldn't have sex with her unless he furiously masturbated as he was so addicted to jerking off to porn.
I had a boyfriend myself who loved me a lot but couldn't have sex with me because he needed more extreme sex than one girl in a bed.
I have another friend who, after only three years with her fiancee, is having bedroom trouble as they are BOTH so into porn that they can't have sex without it!
I don't care what anyone says but mark my words, in a few years we will ALL be seeing the negative effects of internet porn in our society. KIds growing up now, folks in their twenties and thirties and even early forties are growing up with and are living in a time where porn has become very socially acceptable and is making it difficult to maintain realtionships.
No, No ALL men who look at porn are addicted, but it is increasingly prevalent. And MOST men who look at porn begin to subtly objectify women in their lives; oogling more, becoming more voyeuristic.
Mankind used to be more about touch, feel, flesh. Now we are more about watching, looking, staring. hence the increasing popularity of the super fit body, the fake boobs and the revulsion towards Reubenesque flesh.
I have read articles in the Times and even Vanity fair within the last few years, about how porn is affecting men today and is the crack cocaine of the internet, as there is no end to it. One can look and look forever and not get to the back page, as it were. How addictive is that!? I have spoken to addicts and they say that what keeps them looking for hour upon hour is the fact that they feel that this perfect image exists somewhere but does it really?
I feel that focusing desire upon one another in a relationship makes for a happier and better tiem in bed. Rabbi Rabbi Boteach emphases porn's destructive effect on relationships. "Pornography breeds insatiability" and "is about fundamental boredom," he said. It creates unrealistic expectations of what women really are, and that gets marriages into trouble. This, to me, is so true.

I suppose that the real question to women is "How is your sex life". If it is bad or non existant and your man is looking at porn more that being with you then you have a problem and the porn is probably the cause. Ask men if they have a good sex life(not alone but with their girlfriend or wife) and if they say that they would rather have solo sex, then there is a problem and porn is at the root of it. If you are fine with your sex life and porn, then fine, but so many of us are not.

March 11, 2010 - 11:08am
Summers_isle

After really thinking about it I realized that i'm probably in the minority of guys. I guess I had always assumed that guys viewed porn like I do, however after looking through some of the articles that are in support of banning porn I'm seeing that there are definatly valid points. For me porn was a way to really feel connected to a beautiful sexual girl. I emotionally connect to the women i'm watching and try to understand the feelings she must be having. I get irritated when the porn becomes superficial "i'm just a dumb blond" crap. Strange how I could be so blind to what is driving the industry. Although I still cant help but feel like porn is not the problem but rather part of the expression of the problem.

February 17, 2010 - 12:45pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Summers_isle)

Hi Summers- Isle

Thank you for a male perspective on porn. We appreciate a diverse audience with different opinions.

I don't necessarily agree that you are in the minority of men - remember you are on a website primarily directed at women (although men are always welcome!) and the tendency will be that most readers will agree on a topic that they post on a lot. Some women's topics of interest are breast cancer or massage therapy, others focus on porn or nutrition.

I can guarantee you that if you looked elsewhere, you may find that pornography is happily accepted. I just don't want you to feel that you're an odd man out because you enjoy porn.
In fact, many women also enjoy it. The problem is that they are made to feel like brainwashed freaks if they admit it so they keep it quiet or claim they don't like it.

Like anything else, as you said, porn can be used and abused or used as simply a tool to enhance a person's sex life. No-one has the right to tell a person or a couple (as long as all are consenting) what to do in the privacy of their own home or what's moral or acceptable. Metaphorically speaking, hanging around other people's bedrooms is creepy!

If porn negatively effects one's life - they need to fix things. But too many content people (alone or in relationships) are made to feel like they are brainwashed and lacking in "education" about sexuality, and need to be saved from the horrors of a dirty movie! Yes, porn can get out of hand! For all or most? No way!

I don't have any experiences in a man choosing porn over me but I can imagine it's painful. It is all the man's fault or all the fault of porn? Probably not. "Fault" isn't even the right word.

The bottom line for me is that if you don't like porn, don't buy it. Don't date a man (or woman) who likes it, if it bothers you. And don't try to "save" everyone else who live happy, private lives and don't need the sex police to rescue them!

As you feel you are in the minority - as a woman, I may be too. At least outwardly. But I know many women who enjoy porn (some prefer soft porn rather than hard porn) and they are happy, satisfied and healthy women, with great relationships. Sadly, these women feel they cannot discuss it publicly, without fear of being pounced on and called a victim - or if they just educated themselves, they'd know all porn was bad.

Like any business, porn needs regulation. It's not going away and never will. All businesses have negative sides. I'd rather deal with a porn producer than a Wall St banker these days.

There are many sides to all stories. Those with anti-porn sentiments who are the majority on this thread make some very valid points. But those with "minority" sides get to speak too!

February 17, 2010 - 1:21pm
Summers_isle

an earlier poster said "It's always better to communicate than to resort to pornography which may make her feel ugly, rejected and cheated on"

Bear with me here, but I have to say this is just a bunch of nonsense. Pornography does not MAKE anyone feel anything. Women may feel negative emotions in response to it, however, those feelings are generated from her beliefs and her own choices. I dont know how women get it into their heads that if a man looks at porn he is rejecting them. This is not true. Men are BUILT, literally hard wired, to appreciate diversity. My liking an apple does not lessen my delight at the prospect of eating an orange later. Ask women who work in the porn industry if they feel like they are being degraded. Most porn stars who have been in the business do it because well ok the money is great, but also because they have a sense of giving a gift and of serving the wider community in a way that they enjoy. I happen to think that porn is a beautiful thing, I get to witness women who are open and feely giving their feminine gift. Often when i am watching porn that I enjoy the thing that is going through my head is "good girl". Women who think porn is purely distructive are completely missing the point. They seem to believe that men are viewing porn and thinking "yeah I would use that humping post and throw it away later", or something worse (and please feel free to enlighten me). Look porn is like anything else it can be misused. I think that because porn is about sex and sex is tied to our sexual identity (which is one of the deepest levels of identity) when it is mis used it can be especially devastating. I do not, however, think that this makes porn evil.

Yes men can spend hours on end looking at porn. Yes men CAN be addicted to porn. That does not mean that every man who looks at porn who happens to have an unsatisfied girlfriend or wife is an addict. I think women are mostly using porn as a scapegoat for an otherwise complex situation. Look at toms example, he turned to porn for relief from feeling rejected himself. I have experienced exactly the same sort of thing tom is talking about. I personally find that I CANNOT enjoy sex when the woman I am with wont allow me to please her.

I guess what I'm getting at here is that it offends me when people say that porn is the problem. It really is not 99 times out of 100. Even in the case of porn addiction, the addiction starts typically because the person is frustrated with trying to find a receptive and appreciative sex partner. The addict may have those things offered to them later and not care so much, but if those things had been present before their addiction they would never have gone looking for a substitute.

February 17, 2010 - 12:26pm
tom

Yes I have. No willingness to even discuss it. I do not disagree that porn can be a bad thing although I don;t see it as the height of evil either.

February 10, 2010 - 5:05pm
Diane Porter (reply to tom)

Tom,

Thanks so much for being willing to weigh in with another viewpoint and one that makes a lot of sense in your context. I think a lot of women could relate to what you said about your wife not being willing, able or even comfortable letting you please her. So often women focus their entire lives on pleasing others and are taught that it's what we are supposed to be doing. To do otherwise feels selfish or indulgent or vulnerable, and it can be very hard to change those feelings, especially after so many years.

I'm sorry she has no willingness to even discuss it. You both deserve more.

Thanks again for writing.

February 12, 2010 - 8:11am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Have you tried speaking to you wife about this? It's always better to communicate than to resort to pornography which may make her feel ugly, rejected and cheated on. Also, porn can be addictive and can make men begin to objectify the women in their lives.
I know that you are just trying to give answers to the question asker but I can't help but comment on your post.
I don't believe that resorting to porn is EVER the answer in a relationship. Talking things over, even having a guidance councellor, these things may help but porn doesn't in the long term. The longer men continue to masturbate to porn, the less pleasurable sex with a REAL women can become for them, so they get lazy and don't bother trying any more.
http://www.oprah.com/relationships/The-Negative-Effects-of-Porn
This is a very interestng article which speaks to this very problem. Just something to think about.

February 10, 2010 - 4:58pm
tom

I have a WAY different take on this; granted a guy's side. I have a wife willing to 'satisfy' me but actively seems to avoid any satisfaction of her own. So she resists my touch and my strident desire to please her but quite willing is open to having sex with me to keep me happy. And she does this with a smile on her face.

I have to tell you that that is not a satisfying relationship for me and likely most guys. We really do want to please our ladies. Take that away from us and really what do we have? It is a huge deal to be able to satisfy your partner. So for me, heading to porn and masturbating makes it easier to get that quick relief than have to go through what is tantamount to rejection when I do try to please my partner. I think most guys do not just want to get off, we want to please our partners way more than you might think.

We've been together for more than 20 years and it has been this way for a long time. I've resigned myself to this path...some days are just more frustrating/depressing than others. And other days it is 'work' not to get angry about it.

Does this make sense?

February 10, 2010 - 4:30pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Thanks very much that site very helpful and has some great points. Really appreciate the feedback. Best of luck to u all x

February 10, 2010 - 5:55am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

http://stoppornculture.org/q-a/
This is a very interesting anti porn site. These are some commonly asked questions and the sex therapist's replies.

February 8, 2010 - 6:07pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

PLEASE DO NOT TYPE USING ALL CAPS. THANK YOU.

February 6, 2010 - 6:05pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

When they get very angry like this, it's because they are in denial of their addiction. You can't make an addict change, you can just decide that you won't live with being second best to these vile images of degradation. If a man can masturbate as often as some of you say he is, he can have sex with you. He just chooses not to as he is addicted to pornography. He will probably keep doing it until someone breaks up with him over it or until he realizes that he prefers it to real sex with a real human being and sees that this is a negative thing. Read this book;Robert Jensen, Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity. Or check out this site;http://www.oneangrygirl.net/antipornbooks.html
Porn is insidious and is destroying our relationships mostly because fo the internet and how there is no end to the images available. Men get angry and defensive as any addict would; an alcoholic is the same.
Women need to start saying that porn is NOT ok. How would your man fee if you refused sex with him and then he caught you with your vibrator evry day. Hurt, right?
But he may choose porn over you. If he does, it's time to move on. Why would you want to be in a relatinship where you don't get your needs met and have to deal with negative addiction? Surely you are worth more? There are lots of men out there who actually lOVE to have sex with a real woman!

February 4, 2010 - 11:54am
starr90

If he storms out like that then hes prob denying everything right? Not all guys do it...I kno!

February 4, 2010 - 9:31am
Moosifer

I too, am having the same problem. Only mines, a little more complicated.. im 22, so is my boyfriend. We both work at a local restraunt, same shift, same days off, and we live together. we are best friends, but spend way too much time together. we have lived together since october, started dating in july but were friends who occasionally messed around or spent time together for 2 years before we became exclusive. i am completely in love with him, i am extremely attracted to him, and almost satisfied. the past 2 or 3 months we've been having sex less and less; he watches more and more porn, and spends alot more time in the shower. since im still so attracted to him, i try to seduce him regularly, and when it doesnt work it upsets me, because it hardly works! i have tried quite a few times to talk about it with him, and he says not everyone wants to have sex everyday and i almost plead that i need to be pleased too. (sex is a very important part of a relationship to me, especially since i feel so strongly for him) He doesnt know, that i know, about the showers or the excessive porn. when i go to bed, or the rare occasion i work and hes off, or i go out with a friend or my mom, he watches porn- ive seen the internet history quite a few times. i know he likes porn, hes told me, and thats okay, and he knows i dont mind if he pleases himself *once in a while* but i want to still experience the intimacy of our new relationship. its not like we never have sex,but every four or five or six days just isnt enough for me. i am not sure how to act, he thinks im too horny, thats not true at all, im the same ive always been, its him thats not. i really hope that someone can get back to me soon. thanks in advance.

February 3, 2010 - 11:43pm
starr90

My ex done the same thing he worked 3rd shift and come home and watch porn! I was like ummm hello im here u kno....to me the porn thing always has botherd me bc it makes me feel like they wnt me to be like those girls in the videos...But my fiance now he doesnt watch porn hes the first guy that i have fallin for that doesnt watch porn...i would be honest with ur man and be like ummm wtf im here...im willing

February 3, 2010 - 9:49pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to starr90)

Thanks starr I have found that a lot of gals mention a man without porn = amazing. I have been honest and upfront but he just yells And storms off like a child or tells me it's completely normal and all guys do it. I think he needs to look at the bigger picture and effing try to make our sex life even just a dot of what it once was. I am sure I could find a guy who would be there with me wanting it all the time but he wouldn't stimulate me on the same mental and attraction level my guy does. Sigh.

February 3, 2010 - 10:16pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

WOMEN who defend porn!!!!??? Ha ha ha ha...I have to laugh!!!! And women who watch porn because they THINK they like it! Very funny!!!! Hello, brainwashed!
Porn is one of the most destructive things in modern day relationships. A lot of men who watch it start seeing ALL women as objects and stop wanting sex from their partners as they find the orgy-esque situations, violence, simulated child sex, etc. more of a turn on. It is soooo degrading to women. How can a true feminist say that porn is cool????
I NEVER pur up with porn in my relationships and manage to have incredible sex where the two of us are the fOCUS of each others fantasies and wouldn't have it any other way.
Men that love porn dislike women on some level as they can objectify them. Women who love porn are so brainwashed, it is sad.

December 6, 2009 - 12:53pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Thank you all for a very insightful and interesting thread! What brought me here is my similar situation. My partner and I have been together for 2 Years now and things have always been great between us sexually but in the last year he has been constantly rejecting me no matter what I do. Tried everything to spice it up- it worked for about a week then he went back to the same old never interested and never initiating person. Even If I send him a sexy text he replies with a total different subject as if I never mentioned it. So here is the clincher, he jerks off to porn all the time. We work different hours so he has ample alone time. Like everyone mentioned I have no issue with the actual masturbation- I have an issue that it's replacing me and all that other baggage. Before u all jump on me no I have not let myself go nor do we have other issues. Aside from this our relationship is perfect and very loving. It tears me apart that he does this. It's also like the actual minute I walk out the door he is on there. He says it's boredom but that is a bunch of b/s. How come on a rainy bored day he doesn't want to screw my brains out then?? Get what I'm saying. Also he wakes up in the middle of the night every now and then horny as hell and will last about a minute. Do u think he dreams about all the porn he watches and wakes up acting it out with me? The final straw was the other night I came on to him like always - sexy underwaer etc etc starting up and he just freezes and pretends to sleep. I get pissed off and chuck a tanty go sleep on the lounge. Wouldn't u know it his in bed jacking off to these slutty whores!!! I am very sexual and willing for anytime, anywhere so how do I change this? Like I said our relationship is perfect otherwise so leaving him isn't really an option as I don't think it's worth giving the rest up over this, but want others opinions as an outsider can usually see things a shit load clearer. Thanks for listening

February 3, 2010 - 9:35pm
misvives HERWriter Guide

Thanks for your personal share about this topic. I have said this before on this post that I had a relationship with a man who was addicted to porn. I am no longer with him. It is truly a problem and I never felt better about the situation. I am currently with a man who is not interested in porn and I have to say that I love it because now he has more interest in me.

Unfortunately, I don't have a very good story that will help people that are currently in the situation and trying to make it better. I think there is a breaking point for every person and mine was when he stopped being interested. Every relationship that you are in is in your control. I hope sheds some light.

December 6, 2009 - 10:51am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

look Scarlett24 I'm exactly where you are and me and my boyfriend have only been dating 9 months. We have sex but he still masturbates and trust me it pisses me off. I am a willing body to his "work Stress" and even though I give him sex when he wants it I'm still the one that gets hurt. The few days I'm not with him (about 1-2 days) he decides work has become too stressful and and can't hold out just one more day.

I was gone for two weeks and he promised he would try not to masturbate well I found out in only 14 days he had masturbated 8 times.....sometimes I wonder whats the point of having me if all the companionship he needs is in porn and a peice of latex.

December 6, 2009 - 10:13am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

This is ridiculous. Welcome to the 21st century. If you're boyfriend is watching porn, good for him. He's been able to get over his shame about masturbation enough to enjoy it. Because there is nothing wrong with masturbation. In fact, you should consider giving it a try. It teaches you what you like in bed, makes you aware of what works for you. And not only that, it's completely different from sex. My boyfriend masturbates all the time, and it has no impact on our sexual relationship. Porn and masturbation are probably not the source of your problem. If he doesn't want to have sex with you, then something else is probably up. Masturbation is an alone activity, an activity that relieves stress and is low maintenance. Perhaps he's not sure he's comfortable with having sex with you regularly yet. How about talking to him about how you're feeling, explaining that you miss him and would like to be having sex at some point. Let him know you're there. You can also offer to watch porn with him, or to try something he liked from porn. If you don't like porn at all (which is fine) then you should explain why you don't like it, what about you doesn't really turn you on. If you can't get over him liking porn, then you might want to reconsider why you're with this man.

I understand that porn addiction is a growing problem for some people. And I've been there and seen that. But you can't blame porn for the problems in your relationship. You and your boyfriend are the only things that can control your relationship together. Everything that happens in a relationship is about the way both you and him are feeling. Obviously something is out of wack. I suggest an increase in constructive communication. If that doesn't work, couples therapy couldn't hurt.

October 5, 2009 - 5:35am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I really don't know why so many women here hate porn. I will admit that I love porn and masturbate daily. I am a highly sexual person and there is nothing wrong with that. When my boyfriend and I are together we have amazing sex, as we are young and love each other dearly. I have discussed porn with him and we both acknowledge that looking about porn is just about becoming aroused to feel good physically, and that true love and devotion (and the greatest of all sexual pleasure) is reserved for each other.

However, I do not see my boyfriend everyday, so I see nothing wrong with achieving orgasm on my own. I don't see why some women think you're not allowed to orgasm unless you're with your lover. I should think that of all people, feminists would approve of self-pleasure that is independent of men.

But in regards to the original question: he might just be looking at porn and masturbating because of the stress he is under. Orgasm does wonders to release stress, but perhaps he has problems with intercourse itself. Intercourse can even be stressful sometimes because men feel that it is their responsibility to satisfy you (usually not the other way around). It is such a hard blow for men if they believe they have underperformed during sex. So your boyfriend might be avoiding the whole thing altogether. Perhaps he is feeling inadequate because of problems at work. Perhaps the both of you are also dealing with the stress of moving, which might account for the fact that neither of you have new friends where you are. Perhaps you are acting stressed as well, which might be putting him on edge. It is possible that he feels that a bad sexual performance at this point might turn you off from him even more and make your relationship worse. Of course this IS all speculation. I think the best thing for you would to go see a couple's counselor. It's obvious that your boyfriend wants to communicate to you because he's told you this much. It seems to me that you really do care about each other, so take the time to think about how hard it is for guys to open up about sexual problems. Try to be understanding of what he says and don't jump to wild conclusions first. If there comes a point where you must draw a line, then do it - just be sure to think these things through completely first. Good luck!

September 25, 2009 - 2:51pm
Diane Porter

Hi, Oskangal, and welcome to EmpowHer. Thank you for your question.

As you can tell from reading the posts above yours, the way people feel about porn varies widely. Some women are okay with it in the context of their relationship; others feel that it is completely wrong at all times; and others are conflicted. What's important here is YOUR relationship, and YOUR feelings about it.

The good news is this: You two talk about it. That's an important first step.
The bad news is this: Even though you talk about it and he knows your feelings about it, he continues to do it.

Your emotions are misplaced if you are jealous of the women in the pictures. They are just images. They are basically being used as objects, being paid to go in front of a camera and perform sexually. Your boyfriend gets turned on by looking at them, and it hurts your feelings. THAT is the problem. Despite the fact that you have told him how you feel, he continues to do it and to tell you that it shouldn't be a problem for you (even though he tells you that you are the best). This is an alarm bell for me.

You're not silly to worry about this. I think it's good to be concerned about it now. It seems probable that you're either going to have to live with it or break up with him, Oskangal. You shouldn't feel like an afterthought when it comes to intimacy.

September 24, 2009 - 8:23am
Osakangal

Hi Everyone!
I am new but when reading this it wanted me to join this site.
After reading a few of your posts, i would like all of your advice please :)
I am almost a young adult, and i have a boyfriend.
I have had countless conversations about it with him, I get sad, upset and so hurt when i know what he is looking up on the internet as porn. He has a fetish for a few things. Once i found a folder of an anime character he said as 'a one time thing', yet i got so jealous of some made up thing, he doesnt watch sex on the internet but just certain things! He has told me so many times he thinks i am the best, he would hate imagining him with another woman, when he masturbates in the end he has to think of me because he wont finish, he doesnt think of the women but only of what they are doing. I still feel stupidly jealous though of the women! though he has told me countless times, i sometimes can't believe him, I can't help but think sometimes what i do for him is just a waste when he can masturbate over the internet (although he wasn't happy when i said that). Its silly only because i hate porn so much that i get scared in reality that one day it'll take him away from me that i get a little protective.
Anyone feel how i feel? I hope i can get kind advice :) i know im silly to worry already but i cant help it.
Please help!

September 23, 2009 - 5:13am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Osakangal)

I understand what you mean, but please be careful not to overreact about something involving this because I think it is pretty obvious that your boyfriend loves you very much. I think that every man will have some odd little fantasy or kink tucked away that is more like a quirk of the personality more than anything, and it is not something that could ever come close to stealing him away. I also think that especially in your case, the guy knows that porn is not real. It's just an idea. The idea is pleasure, that's all. He knows that the greatest pleasure, emotional and physical, is making love. And there is nothing that can divert his attention from you in that respect. When the two of you are together, he's not thinking about porn or silly fantasies. He's thinking about how beautiful and sexy you are, and how he must be the luckiest guy in the world. I know it's a little hard to think of that when you accidentally come across the porn he's saved. :P But, you do know that it's true. :]

September 25, 2009 - 3:20pm
PoLZZZity

I can't say anything about your relationships but believe me girl porn and masturbation are not connected with a real sexual life. You'd understand it later, now just be wise and don’t' worry. Masturbating doesn't mean cheating at all.

September 22, 2009 - 8:42am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Everyone here fails. Guys watch porn. Women read stupid sex "novels." Probably because men are driven physically and women are driven emotionally. Neither promotes any sort of degrading mentality. They are, however, both wrong. They have society convinced that relationships should all work a certain way. That sex is a common thing, not something to be shared between two people, that love works like it does in movies, and that a girl can be ripped apart by a decision between three guys and all of the guys will compete for her. Find someone. Love whoever it may be. And then stick with it. If a man is obsessed with the thought of killing babies and drinking their blood, but refrains from doing it because he is afraid of getting caught, is he still insane? If you said no then you're an idiot. If a man or woman consistently thinks about sex with someone other than their "significant other," then the man/woman is still not completely devoted to their partner. Humanity is steadily looking less like a race with a purpose and more like the anus of the universe.

September 12, 2009 - 4:18pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Cant everyone just get along?
Porn is porn, it will always be there.
Just except that fact and let people do what they please.
If you don't like it THAT much,get out of the relationship. Geez

August 26, 2009 - 2:14pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Ok this is how I feel about it.
#1 Using all caps is implying ur yelling and if you want help yelling isn't a good idea
#2 I hate porn I think its wrong
#3 it you have a problem with him masturbating suggest that you do it together or he lets you watch or even some like masturbating on there partner if he doesn't go for any of those idea's there might be a deeper problem.
But yes as for the porn I can totally understand ur feelings on it and I would not accept it either.
Good luck and take my advice or not its up to you really just offering some help :)

August 25, 2009 - 3:09pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hi everybody, special greetings to Scarlet24,

I must say that if someone maintains that you shouldn´t ask him to stop masturbating watching porn, it´s nice, but they don´t fully understand your situation. Freedom is one thing and its influence over relationships the other. I think porn addiction is going to destroy society in a very short time... I can´t say I hate porn, BUT...the amount of time you devote to it and problems it could cause... It´s all very dangerous to relationships and real life in general. You can say that it´s natural and normal, but you, men, can´t expect us, women, love you, if you don´t treat us well. Yes, I´m in the same position, I spend hours everyday thinking what I could change about myself, I nearly don´t eat at all, I´m looking in the mirror all the time and don´t understand what the problem is. I´ve never been this way before, the point is that I´m not satisfied anymore and feel alone, depressed and ugly. Wouldn´t life be easier for all of us, if we stopped this porn foolosophy??? A PORN ADDICTED MAN IS A SELFISH EGOMANIAC!!!

August 25, 2009 - 6:15am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I think alot of girls have this issue about porn.
its just how we work.
To breakdown at the first sign of not being good enough.

August 20, 2009 - 3:54pm
scarlet24

Anonymous clearly i said something that hit home! That is the only reason you would act all offensive.
Hope you learned something from me!
GOOD LUCK!

August 19, 2009 - 10:42am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

(man 44 married 20+ years)
my 2 cents: OP definitely has control issues. RE: partner, Masturbation is probably his way of manifesting something to control himself.

If I got an "itch", I scratch it - it's that simple for guys. Now, if I would choose to scratch it myself rather than with God's most perfect creation of beauty (aka "Woman") - well, then you need to look for the source and stop trying to treat the symptom.

August 19, 2009 - 9:20am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I hope to get more feedback on my post above
Regards
Scarlet24

August 14, 2009 - 11:22am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Firstly I would like to say I have absolutely no idee what the issue is with writting in all caps lock.Unless of course you can't read or understand english!
Also I appreciate all the comments/feedback but I must say I feel like most people who responded didn't get it completly right.
Let me give my opinion and thaught on the subjects: when it comes to porn yes i absolutely hate it! This will never change, I am firmly of the opinion that some thing(sex) that is suppose to be beautifull and good gets twisted into some thing ugly and sick and just contributes to makeing this world more nasty and filled with evil than it already is.
I also am deeply dissapointed in the women out there who defends such a disrespecting and degrading potrayel of women.No wonder men aren't gentleman any more and don't care about treating a women with respect!
When it comes to a man who masturbates of course any women/ man has his/her sexual needs and if the woman is completly involved with this I have no problem with it. But please don't be foolish, if he does it with out involving you,you are definately not the only picture on his mind!I feel sex/sexual needs in a relationship is indended as a union between two willing people not always willing in desire, but always in commitment!No matter how wild/kinky or whatever it is that is between them!
I simply just insist on my partner to put my needs/feelings first out of respect and love for me. As I would do in return!I am sertain in doing this any couple will have a strong, and lasting relationship.
I wonder how many people who commented above have been through either failed marriages/relationships?
How many relationships last now days? This would not be the case if couples learn to put each other first.
So in conclusion there is no collar around his neck and if there was he is more than welcome to leave!
I rather be a strong independant woman. Than one who is weak and under estimates her worth!

August 14, 2009 - 11:17am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

first of all i understand exactly what you mean when you say sick and twisted because some of the porn is actually kind of gross but then again theres lots that is entertaining and interesting i have been in a relationship for 3 years now and we are happy. but sometimes a woman can feel more self conscious because they begin to think the girls are sexier and he likes the way they look more than the way you do. usually that's not true. men masturbate when theyre lonely and want to be aroused they want to have sex but maybe think youre not that into it. maybe both of you should change. he should ease up on the porn and you Scarlet should ease up on the overprotectiveness

August 18, 2011 - 9:27pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

It is very good for you to be a strong independent woman. Hopefully nobody here will argue with that. And I also think that your boyfriend would want you to be strong as well. I also agree that sex should be beautiful.

Does the situation still stand that he prefers masturbation to real sex? If so, you should probably see a relationship counselor. The counselor might be able to help you understand why he's doing this, help him understand what you want and need from him if you're going to be together, and help the both of you be able to understand how to resolve the problem. Good luck!

September 25, 2009 - 3:09pm
Kelley Howard

Some very heated discussion on this topic. I agree with Alison in that we should be able to have some thoughtful discussion without being nasty. I also appreciate the gentlemen's comments above. I agree as well that there is nothing wrong with watching porn and masturbation whether you are married or single. Let's all remember that sexuality is a very important basic human behavior which we all need to utlize in order to stay health and happy.

August 9, 2009 - 5:18pm
Alison Beaver

Thank you all for your contributions and thoughtful comments on the "taboo" topics of pornography and masturbation. We ask that you keep your messages respectful, free of language that attacks or is otherwise inflammatory towards a particular person. This site is designed for the open-expression of health information and personal experiences that is inclusive, empowering and insightful.

Alison B
Moderator

August 9, 2009 - 8:59am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I am the guy that posted above, and i stumbled here, lol I don't regularly peruse womens health sites.

August 9, 2009 - 1:00am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Firstly I am a Man
Secondly Lol at the feminine power BS &porn.
Third, As was stated before if he really isn't paying you any attention as far as sex do you think the problem is with him or you? You sound super controlling, and naive to think you can change him. I suggest you avert your psycho collar you have around his neck before he leaves ya. He must really love you to deal with what you have done already.
Him masturbating has nothing to do with you. Maybe you should try to spice up, and stop waiting for it to change on its own.

August 9, 2009 - 12:58am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I cannot help but thank you for this post. although I am female, I am completely on your side. this is ridiculous. god, if anything, I watch porn WITH my boyfriend and laugh at the bad ones and get tips from the ones he enjoys. I hate manipulative people. and now I feel like I hate feminists more than ever.

February 12, 2010 - 7:56pm
mainer79

I might sound like a "3rd grader" for asking, but why do some of you have to comment on her writing skills or "netiquette"? She is stating very private thoughts for everyone to view. Give her some slack people. This is a place for serious conversations, questions, and advice.

August 8, 2009 - 7:28pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide

I think it also needs to be stated that we all seem to have diagnosed the poor chap as an addict.

Has this man been clinically evaluated, diagnosed and/or treated? Has he himself, admitted to having an addiction and needing help?

How quickly we turn into trained therapists and diagnose someone as having a negative addiction (with no knowledge of the facts) in order to evaluate and explain why a relationship isn't working! All we have done is focus on this man and all his "negative" traits without looking in other areas to perhaps see if there are other problems, and other solutions.

Let's slow down a little. Addiction may or may not be an issue. It would be wonderful to hear this man's side. Is this possible, Scarlet? I think it might open our eyes (and perhaps our minds) a little.

August 8, 2009 - 10:27am
misvives HERWriter Guide

I would like to add something here. I was also with a person who was addicted to pornography and it does create a huge problem in the relationship. This was a problem in mine since I am very sexually active myself and would prefer real sex versus self pleasures.

Please understand that this is not you in any means and not your fault either. Here are some more links from our site where you can read other reactions about this same subject.
www.empowher.com/community/share/sex-addiction

www.empowher.com/condition/sexual-health

I think the best thing to try is talk about it. This may be something you can enjoy together but if he chooses self pleasure all the time and you are lacking, there may be a better chance you will find someone different that will treat you the way you want. Think about it this way, there are several woman that do not care to have sex and being with a man addicted to self-pleasures would suffice them. You have your needs so go with them. Maybe finding someone new would be better in the long run for you. There are men that are addicted to pornography and would rather self pleasure. There are also men that enjoy the pleasures a woman bring.

In my experience, you cannot change someone, either you learn to deal with something you don't like or move on and find a better match. Thats my advise from an ex-porn addicted relationship. I hope this helps.

August 8, 2009 - 10:18am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I completely agree with susanc. Masturbation is normal. I do not understand how his masturbation is putting you second, unless you mean he is putting himself first which is what everybody should do. If you are unhappy then you need to change, not your boyfriend.

August 8, 2009 - 8:55am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Why would any guy want a girlfriend, spouse, etc., if he never wants to have sex with them, but would rather wack off? Seems the boyfriend should change, either he is going to have normal sexual relations, masturbate on his own time, but satisfy his woman or at least try, or just live a lone, so the woman can get with a real man who likes vagina over hand.

September 1, 2009 - 11:56am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide

Hi Scarlet24!

If you write in lower case, it's much easier to read what you are saying. "Netiquette" suggests that writing in all caps means you are shouting and it's very difficult to read!

Porn in a tricky subject for some people. Some love it, some hate it.

I have explained many times that women watch and buy porn in the millions but don't talk about it because they are made to feel like "victims" of porn and second class citizens to men. If a woman loves porn (or a man) they are perverts! Sick! Gross! It's cheating!

But women have their own "porn" for years, in the form of romantic novels. Billions of these novels are purchased and read by women every year, in more than one hundred countries. In these, the men are strong, virile and very masculine. The stories are powerful and very sexual in nature. Sexual activity is described in great detail - women fantasize about them and carry these fantasies into the bedroom with their real partners.

Romance novels known as Erotica are in high demand and the vast majority of readers are women. These books are strongly sexual in nature and millions are sold and read by women annually. "Paranormal" romance is an enormous market, involving vampires, ghosts and demons. More than half of all fictional books sold are "romance" novels.
But because this novels are in black and white, and there are no visual or graphic pictures - it's acceptable. The only difference between visual porn and the of paperback "romance" books sold every year is how it's presented. But both a pornographic in nature.

Believe me, we women have our own porn - much of it quite graphic - we've just made it to look different so that we can pass it off as literature.

But it has to be said that if porn is causing trouble in a relationship, then it's definitely a problem. You have the right to ask your boyfriend to stop and it seems like he has. I hope he continues to stay away from porn and that your relationship improves.

With regard to masturbation - it is a natural act that many women and men do. So do children.It is certainly not a "guy thing". There is nothing immoral or wrong about it. You cannot and should not ask him to stop. Studies on masturbation show that anywhere from 40% to 70% of women do it, and 50-90% of men. When you say that his "only excuse is..." - he does not need an excuse for doing something that is natural and very normal.

We have no right to demand that someone stop doing this. We cannot and should not control someone else's body! We cannot and should not control someone else's sexuality!

I am wondering why you need to control so much of your partner's life? Do you really feel like he his cheating on your or that he is placing you second to masturbation?

I can understand not wanting porn in your life but not allowing your man to masturbate is controlling and dominating behavior.

Can you explain to us a little more about you? Were you taught that these forms of sexuality are wrong?

It may be that your partner and you are just incompatible and you need to go your separate ways, since your core beliefs are so different.

Scarlet24, if this is how you feel and this is what you believe then more power to you! You have every right to live by your own standards and your own code of conduct. Don't feel forced to change to suit someone else. But you don't have the 'right' to demand the same of someone with a different set of beliefs and they should not have to change to suit someone else either. It may be a case of agreeing to disagree and moving on.

Scarlet, we all have opinions and view that are completely different from someone else. What's right and wrong is all very subjective. If it is wrong to you, Scarlet, then it's wrong! But please don't try to change someone when he really doesn't need changing. He may just be the type who is better on their own - not with a partner. If he is happy doing what he's doing, then he is happy. He isn't changing and you should not have to either. What he is doing is not illegal and not immoral (by many standards). If he doesn't want to change, he should not have to. Not everyone is the right match for everyone else. As mature adults, we need to be open to this and be open to ending incompatible relationships rather than living unhappily and waiting for the other person to change into someone he's not.

August 8, 2009 - 5:14am
blakerbob (reply to Susan Cody)

I realize this is an old post. I don't care. Maybe you will still get this.
You are an idiot. Try to not group all women together with romance novels. I have NEVER read one in my life thank you. I do not and will not fantasize about another person when I'm completely in love and attracted to my partner. Your advise and post fly's in the FACE of the very definition of a committed relationship. If you want variety and the excitement of it, then don't partner up in the first place. Porn is a classic case of having your cake, and eating it too. Porn, simply put, is defined by the putting in VIEW, sexually engaged strangers, with the fantasy element, that you are there. That's cheating. Just because you're not really there? Doesn't mean you don't WANT to. That hurts people. If you don't see it this way? Well, all I can say to that is you're not in tune with what this porn deal really is. You're missing the details of this issue completely. You're not thinking as far on the topic as it goes. So just because you can't see 5 chess moves ahead, and people like me can, doesn't mean people like me need to get dumber and conform. Your kind, needs to get up to speed.

August 22, 2012 - 11:53am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

Finally someone with a brain on this thread.

September 5, 2009 - 10:51am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

it's because you write in all caps lock.

August 8, 2009 - 3:36am
scarlet24

DEAR LADIES THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE COMMENTS! I RESPECT ALL YOUR VIEWS AND IT SERTAINLY MAKES ME FEEL BETTER KNOWING I AM NOT ALONE.
MY PERSONAL OPINION ABOUT PORN IS VERY MUCH THE SAME AS RLYONS. I FIND IS ABSOLUTELY DISCUSTING, SICK AND DEGRADING!SO NO I WILL NEVER ALLOW IT IN MY RELATIONSHIP.
AS FAR AS THIS MATTER GOES I HAVE SPOKEN TO HIM AND TOLD HIM YOU MUCH IT HURTS AND EMBARESS ME.
HE PROMISED TO NOT DO IT AGAIN AND AS FAR AS I KNOW HE HAVEN'T SINCE( NOV LAST YEAR)
HOW EVER HE DID CONFESS TO STILL MASTURBATING AND HIS ONLY EXCUSS IS THAT EVERY SINGLE GUY OUT THERE DOES IT!
I STILL CAN'T UNDERSTAND THIS NEED OF HIS? HE ALSO ADMITS THAT IT IS NOT ME BUT THAT HE FEELS VERY UNCONFADANT AND THAT HE DOESN'T MEET UP TO MY STANDARDS.
SAYING ALL THIS I DO HAVE HIGH STANDARDS AND THAT WILL NOT CHANGE. I FIND HIS MASTURBATION WRONG AND UNEXCEPTABLE! I JUST WONDERED WHAT YOU LADIES THINK OF HIS REACTION THAT ALL MEN DO IT AND THAT MEN ALWAYS WILL? APPARENTLY IT IS A GUY THING!
I REFUSE TO BE SECOND IN ANY MANS LIFE!
ANOTHER THING IS THAT I NOW REALLY STRUGGLE TO FORGIVE HIM ABOUT PRIVIOUSLY WATCHING PORN! I DON'T LOOK AT HIM WITH THE SAME EYES ANY MORE AND FEEL CHEATED.
BUT I REALLY REALLY DO TRY AND ALSO TRY AND SUPPORT HIM WITH HAVEING THIS MAJOR WORK STRESS.
AS I FIND THIS AND HIS LACK OF CONFIDANCE TO BE THE BIGGEST REASON HE PREVERS MASTURBATION ABOVE ME.
IF THIS DOESN'T CHANGE SOOS HE WILL NOT BE APPART OF MY LIFE MUCH LONGER.
I JUST REALLY NEED SOME FEEDBACK FROM THE LADIES OUT THERE AS I KNOW I AM NOT THAT EXPERIENCED IN THESES MATTERS.

August 7, 2009 - 10:58pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to scarlet24)

OMG what are you 12 years old? seriously everyone masturbates at some point in their life ok. IF they don't then oftentimes they are lying.Its natural it feels good who cares..!! omg if you want talk to him and join him don't sit there in your medieval mindset and think.."oh god that's so disgusting!.."uhm seriously grow up and let him be a male. As a female i masturbate daily.. why? because it feels good life is short and i'm not hurting anyone.Obviously you aren't that experienced in these matters you type like you are 12 years old and you speak like you have lived in a convent your whole life. Good grief open your eyes and live a little... holy shit!

September 22, 2009 - 11:10am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to scarlet24)

Your boyfriend needs to run for the hills, seriously.
This cannot be real, you have to be kidding.

September 13, 2009 - 1:10am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to scarlet24)

I find your spelling, grammar, and use of of all capital letters to be sick and disgusting. I also feel as though your post is far more degrading to the English language than pornography is to women.

September 10, 2009 - 1:36pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

thank you, jesus christ, I was wondering when someone was going to mention the fact that this woman who apparently has been living under the no masturbation rock can't even spell disgusting. I agree, the integrity of the english language has suffered a greater blow here than anything

September 12, 2009 - 9:18am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

wow. thank you so much. seriously, is her caps lock broken or something? i wasn't even as concerned about the issue she raised when I attempted to decode her terrible english grammar. but to the issue she brought up, if she has these "high standards," and i am pretty sure that her boyfriend is aware of this, of course he is going to feel unconfident, especially if he has tried to fulfill her sexual fantasies. you cant be so goddamn angry about someones supposed "impotency" if you dont do shit about it. seriously, whoever wrote this is just a high maintenance bitch who is more concerned about the "sexual relationship" more than the actual relationship itself. then theres something wrong when sex overpowers almost every emotion OTHER than anger. besides, its not like hes been fucking around with actual women. get the fuck over it or for gods sake, let the poor man find someone who doesnt threaten and bitch the shit out of him.

February 12, 2010 - 7:47pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to scarlet24)

hey there. masturbation is completely normal. its not sick or disgusting; i wouldnt expect him to stop. i take it to mean you dont masturbate, yourself; but look, sometimes you just know what you want, and how you want it, and dont want to bother with someone else giving it to you. masturbation is fun, free, and healthy; it improves circulation, boosts immune function, and helps promote libido, ie the more you o it, the more sex you want. so, i wouldnt give your guy a hard time (no pun intended), i would *join* him!

August 17, 2009 - 12:15pm
laura21

hi scarlet24,

my boyfriend and i have a great sex life bit he does watch a little bit of porn and maturbates, but that is just when we havnt been able to have sex for a while or i havnt seen him. its just to relieve himself when im not there for a little while. but he is still 100% interested in me and having sex with me also.

i think that if your boyfriend prefers masturabtion to porn than having sex with you, or just masturbates and never has sex with you then i think that more than just relieving himself. especially if you live together! i think you need to have a real talk with him about how you feel and how this is not only effecting you but your relationship. if he doesnt respond... then i dont think he will be changing quickly.
i dont want to tell you to break up with him, or stay with him.. because that is ultimatley your decision and youll base that on how you feel. but do talk to him and see how he responds and if anything changes.

i think a relationship can involve a little porn (mostly on the mans side), but only to reliev himself if you are not around for say a week or more. but i dont belive a relationship can work if porn is replacing you.

August 7, 2009 - 6:37pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to laura21)

seriously, drop that piece of useless meat. or, spice his world up and show what he's missing out on.

August 17, 2009 - 4:14pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Rlynos: Addiction: compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful. as defined by merriam-webster dictionary. watching porn to get off is not an addiction. yes I understand that some con become addicted to internet porn however it is very unlikely.could it possibly be that your "porn addicted boyfriends" were just not into YOU? scarlet24 like I said in my earlier post if you are unhappy in your relationship then it needs to change even if it includes asking your boyfriend to stop watching porn, however I do recommend that you do mot listen to any one who says that anything is bad all the time or to anybody that goes around spouting feminist bull. go luck in your relationship. Anonymous I am a real woman and I guarantee that my porn loving boyfriend is not impotent, listless and unhappy with me or our sex life.

August 7, 2009 - 2:38pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

It's a sad and messed up world if women are DEFENDING pornography! Cyber porn is derstroying the men in our society, leaving them impotent, listless and unhappy with "real" women. At least if the women in their lives can say no to porn in their men's lives, we have some chance of saving the future generations of men. But these days, feminism is considered a bad word. WTF!?

August 7, 2009 - 10:55am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Personally, I think "Feminism" is a bad word because of people like you. I'm sorry, but here's how it should work: You have your opinions. You can talk about them. But you don't use biased, foolish language such as "we have some chance of saving the future generations of men". You do your research, you say what you think, and you don't rub it in people's faces like that, okay?
And, since /somebody/ will now tell me I'm doing that to you, I'm not. I never said you had to stop posting. Just pointing out to you that you're giving feminists a bad name by calling /other women/ (you know, those people you're trying to make equal?) part of a "sad and messed up world" because we understand men. Try it!
In the case of my relationship with my loving boyfriend (who, by the way, I've been with for a long time, and I can speak pretty solidly on the subject now) I have no issue with porn. In fact, he watches porn nearly every night. And you know what's the kicker? Sometimes, I do to.
The world is a wonderful place. There's nothing wrong with him, he hasn't been rendered impotent, and by God, he's pretty damn happy with me. He's /happy/ with me because I accept it. I understand that porn can be exciting, porn can be arousing, and some (or, probably, most) men have a sex drive that goes far beyond what he wants from sex.
With my boy, he watches porn, he does what he needs to do without me. That's fine. And then, when I want it, he gives. When he wants me, he'll try to take me. We have a wonderfully healthy, and incredibly sexual, relationship.
For some men, restricting them from porn can make them lose their sexual interest in you. Men (and, quite frankly, myself and many other women that I know) get bored of the same old thing. Watching porn can give them ideas. It can be fun to see other people, sometimes! Really, a lot of the time, the porn makes him want a sexual relationship with me even more - he sees it, and he instantly thinks /God, I miss her./

To the OP, and anybody else with this same issue, I think it may not just be an issue with porn. I understand that it makes you feel cheap and cheated: believe me, I totally understand where you're coming from, even if I don't feel it myself.
Sit him down and talk to him. A lot of people aren't comfortable talking about this kind of thing, but it's something that has to be done. And, really, once you become comfortable with one another sexually, everything generally falls in to place.
Talk to him - don't fight with him, and don't let him fight with you - about what kind of things he likes. What are his fantasies? And yours? Are there things that the two of you can agree on, a type of compromise? Maybe porn has given him some interesting new ideas!
There's always a reason, you've just got to calm down and take the time to sort it out. Happy hunting! :P
Good luck.

February 8, 2010 - 10:44am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Feminism is considered "a bad word", as you put it, in these days, because a lot of feminists have taken it from rational reasons of defending themselves against discrimination to provide equality, to whatever they say goes. Porn isn't evil. Men are naturally more sexually stimulated than woman. I know numerous couples who are extremely happy, including married couples, that have a healthy relationship (emotional and sexual), but the man sometimes watching porn and masturbates to it.

It isn't fair to expect a man to be sexually frustrated all of the time when it is more healthy to masturbate at least one or two times a week. I'm not saying as a substitute for, sex, but as a way to release when his partner is not feeling sexual.

Maybe instead of getting irate at the idea of a man being horny, or waiting for HIM to try and invite you to join, you should invite yourself. While he's watching porn, walk in, completely naked, and say "wouldn't you rather fuck this?" and give a flirty wink. I know no man that would refuse. If he does, I think that the relationship has deeper problems.

If you actually love this person, talk to them and work with them, stop the angry accusations of how the recent generations of men are broken because of porn. Porn has been around for centuries.

Take some responsibility for your lover for once.

December 7, 2009 - 7:43pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

are you serious??? PORN? porn. PORN is the reason men have been degrading women? thank you for clearing that up. until now, i always thought that it was centuries of a conditioned society made to believe women were a lesser species than men. or the media that depicts a certain image of "what a woman should look like" or "how a woman should act". lets remember that the glass ceiling still exsists, women are still getting paid less than men for the same work, and its within my grandparents lifetime that women were granted the right to vote. who the fuck cares about porn? PORN is degrading in general. theres lesbian and gay porn, which is offensive to me being gay, but i choose not to watch it. theres all kinds of porn that can be offensive to all walks of life. and if your man is really that unhindged from reality, that he cant decide the difference between reality and fantasy...maybe you should pick smarter, better men to date.
your "feminism" is a disgrace to real feminists, and real women everywhere...

August 19, 2009 - 8:39am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Women aren't paid less for the same work. Women are paid less in general, only because they choose jobs that are less paying or are not hired into higher paying jobs because they are women. Genetically men are geared towards manual labor. Jobs like being on an oil rig aren't real popular with the ladies. If the ladies want the job, they likely won't get it, because a man could do it better. Simple as that. This may be extremely sexist, but in reality it is this way because the employers will make more money this way. Porn is degrading to men and women, but honestly our society revolves around sex now. If you really want the guy who watches porn all the time, just go after him.

August 26, 2009 - 10:04am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

i dig feminist gals who are willing to take control...but also, if your man wants to rock the internetz for his fun, then you really need to just step up and show him you know how to rock his world.

August 17, 2009 - 4:12pm
snugglebunny (reply to Anonymous)

your crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELL NO! I completely disagree. If a man wants to watch porn and the woman feels not good enough, you dont need to STEP UP. Thats saying the woman isnt good enough. HELL NO! your wrong hunny

October 3, 2009 - 5:03pm
rlyons

I am aware that not every person who views porn is addicted but I have been with men who WERE; meaning that they PREFERRED sex alone with their computers than sex with a pretty, willing woman.
I was not invited to join in on their onanism but left, alone with no sex at all. This to me says addiction. It is not normal to prefer cybersex than actual sex. Masturbation to images on a computer screen is NOT sex, it is voyeurism. The lady above is not having her needs met. She is not happy with a porn addict boyfriend, so this is NOT a happy relationship. And if you are with a man who will not have sex with you and continues to wank away to porn despite your upset at this fact, then he is not respecting you or women in general.
It sounds like you are content to have pornography as part of your relationship. This is fine if it doesn't bother you. We all have different desires and needs.
For me, porn is unacceptable as I personally feel that it degrades women, emasculates men and weakens bonds in relationships....but that is just how I feel.
I merely pointed out to scarlet24 that her boyfriend might have an addiction if he is unwilling to have sex with her but happy to use porn. Anon, I think you missed the point.

August 7, 2009 - 10:50am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Different people need different things to help them become aroused. If your boyfriend likes porn that dose not mean he dose not like you. My boyfriend watches porn regularly and masturbates, I am not that into porn it doesn't do it for me, but I to will masturbate regularly. It has nothing to do with the other person unless you have been invited to join or help (maybe you could offer.) If it really bothers you, you need to tell him how you feel, and that you would like your sex life to more active. and to rlyons: addiction and watching porn are different things. someone who enjoys watching porn to help them get off is not an addictive and 95% of men watch porn and the rest of then just don't admit it. being able to enjoy yourself and share that with your partner means you have a healthy relationship and could even increase your sex life.

August 7, 2009 - 7:44am
blakerbob (reply to Anonymous)

Simply put, you are wrong. The first posted response is dead on. Try to remember people are coming here for REAL advice from people that have KNOWLEDGE and EXPERIENCE. Clearly, you're not qualified. People don't NEED different things to become aroused outside of a committed relationship. That's what your partner is FOR. If not? The wrong partner was chosen or settled for. Period. You know nothing about the thousands upon thousands of cases of men that have used porn far too long/often, become hard-wired in their brain to it, (yourbrainonporn.com), and will get to the point that they prefer porn over a real woman. Most of these men, will develop chronic ED and/or PE (erectile dysfunction/premature ejaculation) after some time giving into this ADDICTION. You know it's an addiction if you cannot stop when you want to, and/or ignore negative consequences linked to your sexual behaviors online. Get a clue before you speak poster....please.

August 22, 2012 - 11:17am
rlyons

Porn addiction is so common with the advent of the internet. I too have suffered with a relationship where my boyfriend preferred to masturbate to pornography than to have sex with me, though I was very horny at the time. I too was terribly hurt as I saw it as cheating.
He would use porn and reject me all the time. He eventually realized that he was addicted and actually, though he liked the IDEA of sex with me, was not able to be turned on by one mere woman but needed all the variation, etc. that internet porn brought him.
The problem with addiction is that the person themselves needs to come to the realization that they are addicted. Your telling him will not do it!
What I did was to tell my boyfriend that I would not accept pornography in MY life and if he chose it over me, then so be it, though that would break my heart. I see it as enabling an alcoholic or a smoker.
Luckily he overcame his addiction and eventually we had great sex without any porn darkening our door.
I am now in a relationship with a different man who never uses porn and we have the best sex life either of us though imaginable.
Porn is very negative in relationships; it emasculates men, leaving them unable or unwilling to have sex with women they love, it makes women hurt and jealous and leaves them unable to get their needs met.
I feel bad for you that you are in this situation. It is not easy. Think about what you want and need from this man and good luck to you.The work stress doesn't help. Often the porn acts as a stress reliver...but you should be able to help him relieve his stress...if he will let you.
Porn is described as the "crack cocaine of the internet"....it is horribly addictive and the fact that there is no "back page" like in magazines of old, leaves a man totally unsatisfied, continually searching for the "perfect image". Some men spend hours daily trying to find it.
When they find images they "like", they usually masturbate and reach orgasm, making the association with the porn a positive one. You have to break the cycle.
Therapy can help but only if he wants help.
And remember that none of this is YOUR fault! You haven't done anything wrong.

August 6, 2009 - 1:50pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to rlyons)

This is so true. and this is happing to me. i am a little heavy but he says it's not that i just ant home when he wants it or we never have time. but he never comes to me anymore or showes me he even wants it so when should i do he says he loves me more than anything but he knows i don't like the porn but when i ant here he does it and then when i want some at night he acts like he doesn't. PLease help me i don't know what to do.

March 11, 2010 - 8:53am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to rlyons)

Ever thought about that your men maybe didn't like to make sex with you, because youre sexually boring and then he has more needs than just to sleep with a 'willing women'???

February 11, 2010 - 5:47am
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