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can the past cause no sex drive?

By June 20, 2016 - 7:09pm
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I am 21 years of age and am currently in a relationship and have been with each other for a little over 3 years. The only thing is, he is 18 years older, but he looks and acts like hes in his 20's. When times are good they are GOOD, but when times are bad they are BAD. So I have never gave someone my all, but with him I do. While trusting him completely and giving him my whole heart, I find out that he was talking to another female and not just one night, they were talking for like 6 months to a year. I don't think they have had sex or anything like that, but sending pictures to someone else is still considered cheating in my book; same as if you are messaging someone and you have to delete messages then obviously you are doing something you shouldn't be. So even after this whole situation I saw he was talking to the same girl again plus like two more. Anyways my point is he is a sex addict and I am not. The first year an a half maybe our sex drive for each other was amazing, but now, I never think about sex, I am never really in the mood for sex, and most the time I just have to force myself....But him on the other hand always wants to have sex, like at least 5 times a day. Or if it is not sex for some reason within the last year he is so obsessed with oral sex. I swear he asks me to perform oral sex at least (no exaggeration) 10 or more times a day. And then if he doesn't receive it then he gets all depressed and will just stay to himself like I am not even there, or he gets really moody.

How come I am never interested in having sex, especially since I am 21 years of age. Shouldn't I be more interested? Can the past effect my sex drive with him? What's wrong with me???

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HERWriter Guide

Hi tiff,baby69

Thank you for your post!

I think there are several things going on here.

I do find it concerning that a man who is about 39 years old "acts like a 20 year old". That's not always a good thing and I wonder why a 39 year old would be interested in a young woman like you. He would have been 36 when you first dated when you were 18 so that's double your age. Men his age often do this because they feel they can control the relationship and do things a woman his age would not find acceptable.

Asking you for oral sex ten times a day is just obnoxious. You don't need to put up with that, nor all his sulking afterward, and you don't have to put up with him texting or communicating sexually/romantically with other women. You need to explain to him what's acceptable to you and what isn't. I think he's doing it because he knows you won't try to stop him (at least not really).

You have said nothing about your past to know if your past is to blame for your lack of sex life but our pasts, if abused, can do this. But since your sex drive was fine for the first 18 months of your relationship, I'd say it's more like his ill treatment of you that could be to blame.

I think you're in a dysfunctional relationship that needs help. Suggest counseling for both of you and please don't feel you need to stay with this man. You should be loved and cherished and treated like a superstar by your man. That's what relationships are about, not dealing with all you are dealing with and at such a young age. You deserve more.


June 21, 2016 - 4:54am
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