I can remember as far back as 10 years old or so when my Mom would verbally abuse my brother and I daily. Although it felt like I got the brunt of her rage most of the time because we shared a room. I remember her calling me a fat cow and stupid constantly. She was also extremely controling and it got worse over the years, especially in high school. She never taught me anything valuble during those most important times of growth and vulnerability. She would expect me to already know things with out teaching me and get angry and abusive when I would not know.
When I recall these memories, I noticed that it started around the time she divorced my father. She clearly was angry with the situation she was in because she had to go out into the work force and she wasn't used to holding down a full time job. My father didn't pay much child support if any. Anyhow, I'm 28 years old now and I pretty much thought that I was over the years of phsycological abuse becasue now the relationship between my Mom and I is a lot more healthy then in the past. She never talked about the abuse or even acknowledged that it happened. I feel so helpless sometimes because I can't seem to move on from the trauma it caused. I suffered from very low self esteem because of this. I was never sure of myself and that resulted in a string of bad choices and relationships. I've come a long way since. Through self counceling , mantras, inspirational articles etc and sharing my experiences with my husband which before I met him I had never shared this with anyone, I was able to improve my self confidence. I just still feel angry at her, some days I still feel like that helpless child with low self esteem. I feel like it's nagging at me all the time in the back of my mind and I don't know how to get rid of these feelings. Sometimes it's so bad that I can't focus for the whole day and I just watch tv or do nothing at all. This is the first time I've shared this other than with my husband because I feel like I have no choice but to seek help this way. I have so many issues because of the abuse and because my father dropped out of my life after the divorce around age 9. All these issues have affected me to the point that I don't trust people and I have a hard time keeping friends because I can't open up on a real level. My Mom and family are not good at verbally expressing their feelings and if I didn't feel so weird opening up to her I would have talked to her about how much I am bothered by this already. I think I know that one of the first steps is getting my feelings out there like I'm doing now and also seeking out some professional counseling. I have always pushed the thought of counseling away off to the side but I really think I should consider it. Thanks for reading and allowing me to vent through this amazing website. I know I need to be free of this heavy burden so that I can become healthy. Comments or advice are more than welcome. Thank you.
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