Tips for Being in a Relationship With a Man Who Has Asperger's or Autism
Being involved in a successful romantic relationship can be difficult for most people. Consider all the breakup self-help books available, the movies portraying cheating significant others, constant fighting and dramatic breakups, and your own relationship history.
Do you think these difficulties increase or decrease for someone with a mental disorder? Let’s just say that it’s not easy to have a relationship while trying to function “normally” in the world.
For people who have Asperger’s disorder or autistic disorder, social interaction is complicated. Although people with Asperger’s are thought to have high-functioning autism, they still have social problems. For example, people with Asperger’s don’t contribute as much socially and emotionally, and they don’t know how to use nonverbal behaviors as well, like eye contact, according to an abnormal psychology textbook.
Interaction and emotional reciprocity are important in relationships, so it’s no wonder that it would be a challenge for someone with Asperger’s or autism to be in a relationship. Although this doesn’t happen for everyone, it’s a stereotype that someone with these disorders will not share his or her emotions as frequently. For example, they might not say “I love you” or show affection as often, because they don’t understand and express emotions as well as the typical person.
If you decide to be in a relationship with someone who has Asperger’s or autism, it seems there are some things you have to consider to help the relationship work. Keep in mind, this may not apply to everyone who has Asperger’s or autism. There is the proposed autism spectrum disorder, which places autism and Asperger’s together. Basic symptoms will be the same, but specifics may differ.
This is what I have observed after being in a short relationship with someone who thought he had Asperger’s and through reading different articles:
1) Don’t assume the other person is uninterested, just because he isn’t telling you he likes you or finds you attractive. Decide what you think of him and let him know.
We value and respect the experiences of all of our HERWriters, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.
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My partner is Neural Typical (NT - a term adopted by people with aspergers & autism for the rest of the world), and I have Aspergers. I think a succesful relationship of this type requires some compromises for BOTH parties, and the acceptence of each other as a package deal.
The other important thing is to be open about the condition, so that misunderstandings are avoided. It is easy to fall into the trap of misinterpreting behaviours on both sides if you aren't open and willing to talk to each other. I must admit this comes a lot easier for my partner than it does for me, but it is worth the effort.
Don't discount someone just because they have Aspergers Syndrome. There are a lot of positive traits which come as part of the package, you just need to be prepared to go that extra mile (or two) to get to know them.
July 8, 2010 - 12:53pmThis Comment
Yes!! I agree! My brother has aspergers and it's not that he doesn't feel emotions, it's that he expresses them in deferent ways then a lot of people or not at all. He also doesn't always get it when you say or do something so you need to be more forward. Especially with letting him know that you care about him because otherwise he might just not know.
November 16, 2010 - 11:13amyes its good you let your brother know you love him.but i spent 40 yrs telling my a/s husband i love him.however it was all one way.what about us people who are married to or live with some one with a/s.?????in the end i had a breakdown through low self esteem.remember when you are building his self esteem,be carefull.he may become so self concerned that he will never be able to relate to others self esteem.so always stress to him how important it is for him to tell others he loves them.
December 2, 2010 - 2:37amit is possible,we had special councilling for couples where one partner has a/s.now my husband has learnt to show me some affection[not much].i was always so concerned about his self esteem,and building his confidence,that i forgot my own.so try to instill in your brother that we need to hear we are loved too/
your artical is so lovely.i just wish my a/s husband was as open as you.my husband will not read any books or articles on subject.since the diagnosis i have tried so hard to make our marriage better,they said when he was diagnosed at 65 yrs old,he probably would not,could not change,
November 16, 2010 - 12:18pmso i joined carers group and newly formed aspergers wives group.
now know how important his routine is,and understand the O,C,D,more.but its all one way.
perhaps it will be better for your generation.
My husband was diagnosed late last winter as a result of his behavior, which has devastated our lives. It was so off-the-wall, so inexplicable, (he spent our funds down to $0, and did not warn me. I had trusted him because he has an MBA, cum laude, from Harvard. I trusted that he was handling our funds with care. I did everything else that required handling. To say he is passive is an understatement. He initiates nothing----as if he has never had an idea in his head. I am responsibile for constructing a life.
Thirty years of marriage to this man has caused me to lose my physical and emotional health. If only I had KNOWN. I could have either learned how to deal with it in a more responsible, reasonable manner, or even chosen to leave. I just thought he was "difficult" and "odd". How many times did I, in total frustration, say to him, "you are the strangest person I've ever known.". That was really helpful (sigh).
What complicated my situation was that shortly after we began living together, and then married 31 years ago, he had brain surgery for a tumor and almost died. After the surgery, he was like a different person, but I thought the physical trauma had caused it, and kept waiting for the man I met and fell in love with to "come back". Of course, he never did. The suave charmer he presented the first 3 months or so was unsustainable for him, and so the man he truly was, an Aspie, appeared. No bonding, no love, no intimacy, no ability to speak of it, and unable to hold a conversation.
That was in 1981. My life since has been one long, lonely and frustrating experience. Just learning about this condition has made a world of difference. I feel much more compassion and less hostility. And I am really looking forward to connecting with others who have lived versions of my story. It's just unbelievable when your partner looks great, speaks well, is very bright, and just adept enough to negotiate brief, surface social situations, to fool those around us. Friends thought I was crazy---surely I must be. After all, he is a charming, nice guy. He is. He is also, unfortunately, a charming, bright shell of a person. He feels no empathy, has no insight, and is very child--like. But, he has a respectable IQ.
The temper tantrums that have come out of nowhere, odd personal habits, disinterest in loving or a physical relationship, let alone an emotional one, have confounded, frustrated, and irritated me. All outsiders could see was the attractive facade. We were in marriage couseling 15 years. I would love to sue the therapist who kept us coming back. Surely he knew. Surely, he could see those classic symptoms of an autism spectrum disorder.
Now broke, and almost broken (but healing!), I'm just beginning to glimpse the comfort to be found in being connected with other women who have lived my story.
While he is not a drinker, Al-anon and therapy for the past 15 months have literally saved my life.
eskimo
December 6, 2010 - 12:54pmthank you eskimo.lots of different a/s people out there.my husband is outgoing/agressive/hypa.o,c,d,workaholic.aspergers as is older daughter,his brother and our younger daughter are passive aspergers.
December 6, 2010 - 4:02pmyes we all marry the handsome charmer,funny.odd.hard worker.i knew within 3 days of our wedding that he was very different .please read up TONY ATTWOOD/andMAXINE ASTON.they have saved my sanity.
no normal councilling will never work.you have to find a councillor that specialises in a/s.
when we saw a normal councillor hubby did not speak to her.
recently in U/K the charity relate offers a/s couple councilling.it helped.normal councilling will upset your husband very much.he was only diagnosed 4 yrs ago.so had 40 years of hell.as most oh his close family have a/s[undiagnosed]to them thier behaviour is normal.i am the odd one out to them.so i read every book on a/s i can find.i joined a group for a/s wives,and also mental health carers[daughter is psychotic].i also work with autistic kids and sdults.i now cope more,we have to learn to cope or leave,its not on perpose they hurt our feelings ,they have no empathy/.its not his fault,must be some where in his family.take care,bet he loves you very much,just cant show it.
One glaring factual error: neurological conditions are NOT mental disorders.
July 9, 2010 - 2:48amThey're about hardware, nor software.
You are absolutely right, Anonymous. Thank you for the comment.
July 9, 2010 - 6:46amyes you are right,but in u/k services for adults with aspergers do not realy exist,so if [some do]they have lots of stress.depression or psychotic illness then it is classed as mental health.most of the adults in my family with a/s are on medication,its usualy to keep them calmer[if they are manic] or anti depressants.,usualy because of relationship problems.
December 6, 2010 - 4:09pmWhat a welcome article!
I have a 21 year old son with aspergers, and I constantly worry about the future for him, especially in the area of relationships with women. Thankfully, he has a mild form, and we flooded him with help since he was a toddler. But abstract concepts are a challenge for him still. There's a ton of info about children, and so little about adults. This was a great article! The comments were great, too!
July 10, 2010 - 7:17pm