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ask: He wants me to support him, i dont know how.

By liketoday
 
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I am 24years old and my husband and i are the same age. We've been married for 4 years and have a 1yr old son.... not that that matters i guess......

What am i getting at? ..... Well.... My husband has told me numerous times when our relationship is gritty that he has a constant temptation to look at porn. He goes thru periods of months at a time where he is completely uninterested in me, then all of the sudden he's all over me for a week or two. I dont understand it. I was molested as a child and i dont know any other way to feel than that i am the problem. I can't believe that he loves me. He has recently started seeing a psychologist, and he keeps putting words in my mouth that i am unsupportive about this. Im not. He keeps begging me to support him. I dont know how. I feel like on the other end of his journey he is going to find that the only truth is that i am a piece of shit. I want to support him and have something to tell myself. I dont know. Maybe one of you ladies will. Thank You.

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Alison Beaver

Hi,

First of all, congrats on your little guy! Having a one year old son is wonderful (I have a three year old son...the older they get, the more fun they are), and I wish for many healthy and happy years for both of you!

I'm glad you found EmpowHer, and as rylons said, you will likely hear from many women, as relationship concerns are truly hurtful and emotionally draining.

There seems to be a few different issues that you are having to deal with, and the first and foremost concern is for you to seek some help and counseling for your past. Are you able to go to a therapist? Negative self-talk and deprecating remarks about yourself will never be a part of a healthy relationship, either with yourself or with your partner. These thoughts are hurtful to your core, and I urge you to see a caring, qualified counselor...as you need to treat your past and current hurts before trying to have a healthy relationship with your husband.

The second issue, and your primary question, is your relationship with your husband. My first reaction was: "he is using his therapy against you". If you do not know how to support him, then there is a communication breakdown somewhere...no one's "fault". As much as we would all love to be able to read our loved one's minds, we simply can't. I am sure your husband's therapist (if s/he is a good one!) gave your husband specific instructions on HOW to ASK for support. It is not fair to anyone to simply say, "You are not supporting me. Look, I have to go to counseling because of it!". This is manipulative and controlling behavior. In a healthy relationship, you would instead hear, "I am having trouble, and my counselor said I need to ask for more support from my loved ones, including myself. The way I need specific support from you includes X, Y and Z". The "X,Y and Z" includes specific behaviors that have a how, when, what, where. The behavior is not illusive or a secret that you need to guess at, it is concrete, specific and descriptive. It is a request. It is not a demand or a command, as you can disagree, decline or negotiate the details.

And, I hope this goes without saying...you need to feel equally supported in the relationship, and be able to use good communication skills (not self-deprecating remarks that can also be seen as manipulative...not that I think you are using them in this way, please know this!) to ASK for support (again...it is not a demand!) in the same specific way to begin a conversation. This is ongoing in a relationship; we all need support, and the type of support changes depending on situation and our needs.

I hope to hear from you again soon! Please let us know if you need help finding a good counselor in your area. You may also find this discussion thread helpful: What effects do childhood abuse have on young adults?.

September 20, 2009 - 5:41am
rlyons

Hi Liketoday,
I am sorry you are so sad.....I see from your profile that you have suffered a lot. You are beautiful, as is your baby and at least your man is seeking professional help for his pornography "temptation".
I believe that porn has a lot of ill effects on a relationship. If you search on here, there are many, many stories of women like you who are dealing with unwanted porn in their relationships.
To support your husband, is there a way you could go to a therapy session with him? Or try couples councelling? Does he know how you feel about the porn? It's important to be open and honest.
There is nothing wrong with you...it sounds like you may benefit from therapy yourself as you have been abused. I hope that your husband is sensitive towards you because of this?
This is NOT your fault.....it is NEVER a child's fault that they are abused and it is not your fault now that your husband is going through this problem.
I am sure that others will give great advice...I am just another reader but I wanted to say that I feel for you and things will be ok eventually if you can communicate well ,perhaps with a professional's help.

September 19, 2009 - 5:57pm
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