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Hi
I'm over 40, in a fairly new (5 month) relationship with a lovely guy. I'd say in all aspects of our relationship we are great, however, when it comes to sex we seem to be very different.
He's has been used to having oral sex frequently, and is unable to climax through penetrative sex, it's very important to him. He hates wearing condoms and prefers to give me oral sex rather than penetrative sex. I've never been that keen to give oral sex, have only been asked a couple of times before and so it wasn't a problem. Now though, I love this guy, want to settle down with him, but we have this major problem with sex.
I have tried to give him oral, on the few occasions I've gone there .. it's getting easier, but I don't like getting semen in my mouth or on my face. I've tried a couple of things, flavoured lube, he took that personally, and thought I didn't like the taste of him. I try licking and taking him into my mouth, but my stomach turns once any semen's produced and so I stop and use my fingers .. this stops the climax for him .. and not surprisingly, he's getting really frustrated about it... and I'm getting upset that I can't do it for him. He feels rejected and then he rejects me, and we both get upset.
I always think that sex is something to be enjoyed by both partners, so .. how do I handle this? Is it possible to get over my 'distaste' about oral sex? We have talked about this and it is a major issue, it's really important to him. He doesn't want me to do it all the time, but my default is not to do it at all .... I just don't know how to resolve this. I don't want to end the relationship, it's been the best thing that's happened to me in a very long time. I'm concerned that if I can't do this for him regularly that it's going to cause a major rift and as sex is a really important part of the relationship for both of us, I'm worried it will end because of this.
I hope you can help,
Thanks
K
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Add a Comment6 Comments
My personal take is that he's pretty selfish . . . also, I kind of cringe at the idea that he "hates condoms," yet expects you to take his bodily fluids into your body, via your mouth . . . kind of scary, I think. Frankly, it sounds like he might have some sexual hang-ups if he can't climax through penetrative sex, and he's got such a one-track mind regarding the oral sex. I know it may sound judgmental, but really, 5 months isn't really enough time to decide whether you want to really settle down with someone, especially if you've got problems like this from the get-go. My take? I'd move on. Better to get out after only 5 months than invest another year or two and find out only then (though I suspect you already know it) that you're sexually incompatible. Sounds like he's got the hangups, but he's trying to make you feel like it's all you. Red flags!
September 6, 2010 - 1:19amThis Comment
The short answer, by the way, to your question: you can you continue to use your fingers and your mouth/tongue all during oral sex. Then, when he is about to climax, you can continue using your fingers and tongue and he can still climax (not in your mouth). Your mouth/tongue can still be on/near his penis. There are websites that teach techniques (that are not too sexually graphic; actually educational) including using your hand/fingers in the shape of a circle and tightly squeeze around his penis for the sensation of him "entering" a cavity (such as a mouth or vagina).
The most important part is communication between you two. Men are able to climax with oral sex and with "only" hand manipulation, so he may need to learn a new way of climaxing. (Is he able to climax when he masturbates with just his hand?)
September 5, 2010 - 5:51pmThis Comment
Hi Alison
Thanks so much for your response, it's very helpful and insightful. Yes, he is able to climax through masturbation, just not through penetration. I think that we need to do some more honest talking and see if we can work this out, or not. Can you recommend a good site that I can look at please?
Thanks
September 7, 2010 - 3:03amK
This Comment
As man who enjoys oral sex with a wife who likes to receieve but not give It is very frustrating. However, I do see your persepective-since my wife does not like semen in her mouth either. But if you use a light condom-then he gets to feel the oral sensation and you do not have to have fluids in your mouth. Good luck.
P.S. I suspect you are not really sexually compatible
December 3, 2010 - 6:49amThis Comment
Thanks for your advice, I tried suggesting the condom, but he was offended when I suggested that and thought I thought he wasn't clean. I couldn't win, and neither could he .. in the end we parted company. Definitely sexually incompatible, but not for want of trying. Ce la vie.
December 5, 2010 - 6:58amThis Comment
Hi,
It sounds like such an easy solution, but I'm sure it's not. In any sexual relationship, each person is going to have their preferences. You two are not unique in this way, and there is no need to take any preference "personally" as a personal rejection. This is not about rejection, it is about what each person finds sexually satisfying....and this can change over time. Sexuality is not stagnant; it is always changing and evolving. You both can try different sexual acts; one of you might like it, one of you might not. You both might like it with some "tweaks".
Oral sex is one of those preferences that some people like to give, some people like to receive, and some people prefer not to do it at all. Since your boyfriend REALLY likes it, and you really prefer not to perform oral sex...this may be one of those instances where some "tweaking" is needed.
The "easy" solution I was referring to is in the way you two are having oral sex. It seems as though you don't mind oral sex as long as he does not ejaculate into your mouth. Understandable. Nothing to reject and nothing to take personal. Many women and men do not like the warm, sudden sensation in their mouth. You are not rejecting your boyfriend, and he will need to "get over" this excuse. You are trying to please him sexually, and have fun yourself. You can perform oral sex in MANY ways...it does not need to be his one rigid, specific, narrow definition. Oral sex can include hands, fingers, tongue, mouth, light teeth, no teeth, squeezing, pinching, rubbing, scrotum or no scrotum, humming or no humming. It can include talking or no talking. It can include cock rings or other sex toys. It can include the ejaculating inside the partner's mouth, on another body part. The person can either spit or swallow if ejaculation is inside the mouth. Or, oral sex can just be a "teaser" activity that leads to other things, with no ejaculation at all.
I hope I am not getting to much into detail...but do you see where I am going with this? If you enjoy oral sex in most ways, but need to make a few tweaks, then it is irrelevant what your boyfriend expects because of past relationships. Those relationships are just that...in the past. He is with you, a new partner, and I hope he enjoys all of the newness that the relationship brings...including new and different ways to enjoy oral sex...in ways that you BOTH enjoy.
have fun!
September 5, 2010 - 5:04pmThis Comment