I'm 22 but act really young (i dont know whether its to do with having adhd)
Even when things are fine, i do stupid things like dances, stupid voices and stuff i constantly crave his attention and get grumpy and paranoid when i dont get it.
I have a job but I sometimes mess about at work to make people laugh.
I wish i was really mature i dont know how to be, i'm scared he will leave me for a mature woman then i will be devastated and dont know how i will cope.
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Hi leannek87
"Maturity" is sometimes in the eye of the beholder!
Think of people like Robin Williams and Jim Carrey or Jack Black....are these guys EVER serious?! They have their serious moments, as I'm sure you do but we don't see a whole lot of it.
Maybe you're not immature - maybe you and your boyfriend just have completely different senses of humor! People with zany senses of humor are sometimes incorrectly labeled as childish, when they are not.
Quite frankly, I'd rather hang with you at work that some old stick in the mud.
The age difference between 22 and 29 is only seven years - not much, really. But because the difference between our early 20s and late 20s is huge, a lot bigger than say, early 50s and late 50s, we notice differences more. Our 20s are where we find out who we really are, where we want to go in life, what our passions and ambitions are. We may not know this at 22 but a lot of us have a better idea of that at 29. The age difference between you and your boyfriend may be making you incompatible. It does not mean you have to change and nor does he. It just may mean you aren't a great match - for now.
Since you know you argue like a child, you can change this. Take a breath. Think of how you'd like to be spoken to (you wouldn't like someone just rolling their eyes and tossing out sarcastic comments or having tantrums) so consider your audience before you start talking. To behave childishly at 22 is doing YOU a disservice, as well as doing the same for your relationship. If you wish to continue dating someone who is about to turn 30, you cannot indulge in childish behaviors all the time. And no man wants to date a childish woman - it makes them feel weird. They want a capable, smart and funny woman they can relate to. I bet you definitely have 'capable, smart and funny' in you - just take it out and use it!
It's easy to do an eye roll (and I bet you say "whatever!" at lot!) because we all do it sometimes - even me and I just turned 40! Don't beat yourself up about it - just don't make it 'you'. If you want to be taken seriously as a grown woman - which you are - you can't get out of real conversations by using eye rolls and tantrums to get by.
You sound like you're a fun person - don't change that!! Just target your audience better! Contain the silliness when having real conversations about things that really matter or more serious things. But don't ever lose your free spirit either, I love that in people. I love people who can make me laugh and I'm pretty funny myself!
You are grown now - but you're also 22. Don't get too serious too quickly - you are who you are. Just respect the need for others to talk with you without your negative reactions.
Do you react the way you do because you're afraid you're not smart enough for real conversations? Is acting in a childish way easier for you? You don't have to think very much and you don't have to expand your real thoughts to your boyfriend? I promise you that you ARE smart enough. I think some of your behaviors are done because you're insecure about your own position in life and how you're perceived. You hide behind the childish mask so you don't have to make adult conversations and decisions. Do you think this is the case or am I way off the mark?
Keep your core, keep your silliness and your humor. Lord knows we need all that these days, right? But don't be afraid to open up and be real. Take off the mask. I think there is a very lovely and smart person under there who is afraid to come out.
Does this make sense to you? Does it help you at all?
February 19, 2010 - 2:54pmThis Comment
wow, thanks alot. This makes so much sense. I'm 21 and I have the same problem with my boyfriend who is 31, I feel so insecure and young and its worse that he says I act childish. Its hard trying to act mature sometimes. I really wish I didn't have to make adult decisions and engage in adult conversations. I do hope this will get better with time.
May 12, 2012 - 12:28amAngee
Thankyou so much.I understand alot of this,I act very zany, often will start singing and dancing randomly.People in school used to laugh and people at work love it.My boyfriend also loves it, just not overexaggerated and obviously when we argue he wants me to have an adult debate.
February 20, 2010 - 5:28pmI think I react the way I do because I am so used to doing it and It seems easier to resolve the situations/arguements.I'm scared that If i say something constructive/adult like, I will still lose the arguement then get confused with what I am saying.If that makes sense?
Hi Leanne
It makes perfect sense. We do what we know. You know comedy and being zany so that's your way to communicate. That's fine! However, it's not fine in every situation. A good comedian knows her audience!
You say you use comedy to resolve situations and arguments. Where has that gotten you? Have you really resolved anything? It doesn't sound like you have. You are not actually resolving anything, you are simply sweeping problems under the carpet by making jokes about them.
It's easy to get a bit too used to joking your way out of things. If you want to be taken seriously in serious situations, you have to dump the jokes and get down to business. The jokes will end up annoying people and it seems to have gotten a bit old for your boyfriend already.
Leanne, "arguing" is not about winning. It's about coming to a mutual decision over things (or agreeing to disagree) and sorting out differences between each other. Unfortunately, some people using arguing as a way to exert their intellectual superiority over another, to annoy someone, to get one over on them or because they generally enjoy being a royal pain.
But what we're supposed to do is use arguments in a away that brings us together, not isolate us because we're winning or using. There should be no competition involved. You and your boyfriend are supposed to be allies, not fighting each other. I wouldn't stay in a relationship full of arguments - what's the point? Because you "love" each other? That's not love.
I still think you need to be true to yourself. You are zany! And fun! Don't change! Just change how you view talking things through. You are perfectly capable of having an intelligent, interesting conversation with your boyfriend - you need to stop thinking of it as an intellectual competition. It isn't. It's life.
Start by tapering off the jokes and silliness, one day at a time, when your boyfriend needs to talk to you. When there is some real conflict, think about how it would upset you if someone joked their way through it at your expense. You are reaching out for help with us, and you'd feel pretty helpless if we started making silly comments or jokes at your upsetting situation, right? You want a real conversation with us in order to communicate and reach out. Your boyfriend feels the same way.
I am a complete joker at times, and tend to laugh at things a lot of people would be upset about! But it's important to know when to use humor, and when to give respect. You CAN do both, I promise. You just need to stop depending on your jokes for everything, and know when to use your brain and compassion - and when to have fun. Both are needed for fulfilling relationships. Give it a shot, Leanne. It won't hurt to try!
Tell us how things work out, will you? Let us know how you're progressing.
February 20, 2010 - 6:01pmi am 22 years old but people are thinking i am like 14 years old because i am young and i am 5'4/ but act like kid, i am really immanture, don't respect, bad attude, bad words, jelous. i need to stop and i want to mature because i want to meet friends my friends hate me because i am bad person i am unhappy, i am from peru and i mature more respect more, when i moved here i am still young and mature but ba people effair me become bad, immature, disrepect, so i don;t wanna to become bad person. actually i want to be change life i need to mature. help me?
July 21, 2010 - 11:34amHi Anon
Thanks for your post!
I think the same advice given to the first young lady also applies to you.
There is reason for you to curse at people or have a bad attitude or have people hate you. Why would you do this to yourself? I'm not sure if they really 'hate' you but they probably don't want to be around you.
Think about how you act towards others...would YOU want to be around you when you curse and act out? Probably not.
Try some empathy - try to feel how another person feels when you treat them badly. Imagine someone swearing at you and being mean, and then remind yourself that that's what you are doing to others. It's not a good feeling to be treated like that, right?
Hang out with people who are fun to be around, and have respect for those around them. Don't spend time with negative, rude or disrespectful types. Like attracts like - meaning the worse you get, the more likely you are to attract people who are mean to others.
Anon - the great thing is that you know you have problems and know what you are doing is wrong. Only you can change you, but others can help, which is why you need to surround yourself with positive people.
I think it's also a good idea to talk with a doctor to try to figure out why you behave the way you do. Were you spoken to like that as a child? Were you treated badly? Were you bullied in school or at home and now have become very defensive because of it? Learning about WHY we do bad things is as important as working on stopping it. Also, discovering what triggers your outbursts will help enormously.
One more thing - you are certainly not a bad person! You're having difficulty learning how to communicate well with people and you lash out and behave badly. But this doesn't mean you are bad. It just means that you have to work hard and get some help in getting back on track again. If you were a 'bad' person, you wouldn't be looking for help, right? I promise - there is a wonderful person in you, just dying to get out!
Do you have access to some help for yourself? Do you have a good support system around you and can you avoid negative situations that leads to your behavior?
I'd love to hear more from you - please update me when you can.
July 21, 2010 - 12:31pm~Susan
My real name is Karen. i complete agree with you. i am honest, i diffucult commutinca with my parents because i am really deaf, my parents don't understand deaf peopple. they don't allow me go hang out with friends, they treat me like kid, i have been depressed with my family. my father hugged me a lots, kiss me a lots, he doesn't want to me meet boys he thinks deaf can't marry boy, deaf cant have child, deaf can't drive, and my mohter same thing. but my dad keeps hold me, that isn't fair my sister has perfec life my dad want to her take care of me. my dad is always saying " please don't marry baby, don't life alone, i want to you life with me forever you are my baby you are soo pretty you are babdy" i am sick of it. i told him i am not little kid anymore he won't listen to me. he never to my sister and she is pretty too but my father never hung her or never kiss her he respects her. My mother thinks i am stupid deaf she said " baby, please eat breakfast and lunch i am going to work tomorrow and don't leave house you are my baby", my parents project me a lots.
I never independent or expiernce, my mother keeps asking where are you going? who is friend?. i am sick of it. my aunt thinks i am stupid deaf too. my aunt is so annoying me.
my parents made me lost friends. my sister is going with me and project, my sister keeps me who is her you know her? she aloways calls me stupid deaf. my parents never never believe me anymore. my sister is free and whateer she wants but she is 18 years old. my parents never let me go to hang out friends or boyfriends.
my dad keeps looking at me and wink me, and he is always come my bedroom and lay down and hugged me and he says " you are my baby forever because i am deaf.
i have been frustared and i have been depressed and anxiet a lots. they don't want to go to see dr.natie smith and she is hearing of hard and she helps them she is good like consuler, they won't go see her and they disagree with deaf. they did see her for 2 times but i want to more help her understand deaf.
dr.natlie smith told my dad that my sister dont walk with me he said ok but it was lie he won't let me go to alone my self. my dad said i don't care about her and i want to my sister go to with you you are my baby, i know deaf can't drive car, cant marry, cant live alone, cant have children you are stupid deaf you are my baby.
my brother is always making fun of me he called me fat, called me stupid deaf, he said you are trash and you are adopot and my parents pick you from trash! that's why they don't want to you go anwayhere hahaha, you are nanny bitch.
my sister said i am happy i am not deaf, i have perfect life, my parents proctect you because you're deaf stupid deaf.
my parents never allow me go to king domion, hang out, project pary graduation. i am sooo mad
i want to out of house :(
July 22, 2010 - 5:40pmoh one more thing, my aunt marisol is annoying me, touch me and hold my hanf walk across car but i am not stupid i can watch and careful my self but she thinks i am stupid deaf.
July 22, 2010 - 5:41pmHi again Karen!
I think it's a good idea to contact a support group for deaf people. Are you living in the US?
Contact the National Association of the Deaf to see how they can help with your family dynamics and how to transition to a more independent way of life. You can link to them here: http://www.nad.org/about-us
Your family seems very dysfunctional in terms of their view of deafness. Deaf people can drive, marry, have kids, work - they can do anything a hearing person can do - expect for hearing!
Your relationship with your Dad seems a bit intense too. Karen, you are a 22 year old woman - why is your dad coming into your room and laying with you? This is something that is done with a young child, not a grown woman. Telling you things like "don't leave me" and "you're so pretty" and not wanting you to marry makes it sounds like his relationship with you is inappropriate. Have his actions towards you ever made you feel uncomfortable? Is he also really calling you stupid? Does he use that word?
Karen - there are many jobs for deaf people. Do you have a job? Is there any way you can move out from your home and be more independent? Here is a link to information and links to deaf people and job opportunities/placement.
Please do contact the National Association for the Deaf. I hope to hear back from you soon.
July 23, 2010 - 12:52pm~Susan
hello, sorry it took me long time. yes i live in usa. my dad was laying in my bed because he treated me little kid. my parent won't let me hang out friends. but my parent is still project me.my dad was lying on my bed and hug me a lots he says " i don't want to you marry men and i don't want to you life alone i want to you are life with me and mother because you're my baby" my dad keeps saying deaf cant' marry, can't have kid if baby is crying then deaf can't hear i explained to my dad about flash then he doesn't believe. but i already set up deaf therapst. my dad think deaf can't have fun. my parents never believe me what i tell them for important they refused listen to me i was furious. my dad wants me life with parent forever because deaf can't live alone. i am frustared but i talked to therepst i hope it will work thing.
March 17, 2011 - 6:17am