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How do I know if my boyfriend still wants to be with me?

By October 6, 2009 - 10:03pm
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I have been dating this guy for two years now. We started out great always having fun talking and just loved being together. Now he is not as into me as before and I do not know why or what I can do. I have asked him and he says nothing is wrong and I love him very much. And now he is changing our sexual habits as well. It used to be to the point that I hated to have sex most of the time, but now when I try to hint at it or turn him on, he just acts like im not doing anything and its starting to worrie me. Ijust want to know how or what I can do to make him love me the same way and to act the same way he did when we first started to date.

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Dear PrettyGirl09

Thanks for your post and welcome!

There is no easy answer to your question. How old are you? We often go through several relationships before we find the one that really works for us. This may be one of those relationships.

You said "It used to be to the point that I hated to have sex most of the time, but now when I try to hint at it or turn him on, he just acts like im not doing anything and its starting to worrie me."

Why did you hate having sex? Your boyfriend may have picked up on this and mentally shut down a bit, and felt rejected. And he may be doing the same to you now - in an effort to make you feel bad. Not the most mature way of doing things, I know, but it's a possibility.

When you say you want things back to where they were when you first got together, you can be understanding, be his friend, lover, confidant and supporter. But if it still makes no difference, then the changes will also have to come from him. If they don't, you may need couple's therapy or the relationship may be fizzling out. If he doesn't want the relationship to work, it won't.

Sit down with him and ask him what's going on. Don't be offensive, or defensive - try to be as neutral as possible. But don't dance around things either. Things are obviously wrong and if he insists that nothing is wrong, he may not want to work on the relationship but doesn't know how to tell you. Find out - you deserve a chance to make this work - or leave and move on with your life.

All isn't lost! There's hope for any relationship where both people are willing to work things out! Put it all out on the table and ask for his response. His response - or lack of one - will let you know where you stand.

We wish you the best - and I really hope you can work things out together! Will you keep us posted?

October 7, 2009 - 12:48pm
(reply to Susan Cody)

Thank you for your help. You had asked my age, I am 19. When I said Ihated having sex, I ment like he was always trying to get to me and I felt like thats all our relationship was, I talked with him about it and he said thats not what he wanted me to feel so we worked it out and all was fine. Now months later this is happening but everything was going perfect. Italked to him and said "Baby whats going on? is there something on your mind are you stressed or do you just not feel the same?" He said " no baby not at all everything is fine. I am just thinking a lot about school, and Bowling." so I thought ok that could be true. Well now I just feel like its all about him, he never asks what I would like to do, or how I feel he just talkes about things that he does or wants to do. I just want him to care and love me and I want him to want me. And I want him to be there. he used to do all of this but now we are just kind of like best friends who have sex about one or two times a week. What should I do or how can I fix it?

October 7, 2009 - 6:05pm
(reply to PRETTYGIRL09)

Hi, PrettyGirl,

Two years is a long time to be in a relationship that started when you were 17, and it's natural and normal for people to grow and change. The newness of the relationship has worn off, and it can easily become more about daily life. Partly, that is what closeness is about -- you already know so much about each other that you don't always have to ask. However, there's a difference between that kind of intimacy and in what you're describing, which is feeling like he's lost interest in you.

It's good that you talked about this; you may need to talk some more. Find a time when neither of you are stressed or needing to get somewhere, like Saturday lunch or Sunday afternoon. Tell him that you aren't feeling as close to him as you used to. When he says that things are fine, be able to tell him that they aren't as fine for you, and give him examples: that you are feeling he's not as interested in what you'd like to do or how your day went or how you're feeling. Listen to what his response is and then decide if that's OK with you.

Susan gave you some awesome advice -- unless he also wants to change things, it may not happen. I'm concerned that you feel that YOU have to fix this. You certainly have to be able to talk about it and say how you feel, but it isn't yours to fix, really.

Do you have a life of your own? Do you go off and do interesting things without him from time to time? See your friends, go out for coffee, go to the mall or a chick flick without him? It's important that you are a happy person on your own, you know? So you can bring that happy person into this relationship. We all change somewhat when we are in a longtime relationship, and sometimes it's hard to remember the more independent self we were before we got so deep. But that independent self is fun and attractive, and it will help your self-esteem as well.

"Best friends who have sex one or two times a week" is not a bad place to start. I am betting that with constructive conversations, you can both be really happy in this relationship.

October 9, 2009 - 8:40am
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