ask: How do you feel about a spouse leaving or cheating on their partner when they are diagnosed with a serious or terminal illness?

This thought actually bubbled up in my mind when I heard about former Democratic presidential contender John Edwards and his affair. The affair reportedly happened after his wife's cancer had gone into remission. Not sure what the mindset was here. I can only speculate that he was either scared, seeking control or had a need for escapism -- which seems to be typical in most affairs. Former House speaker Newt Gingrinch ended his first marriage after he allegedly discussed the details of the divorce with his wife while she was recovering from cancer surgery. (Source: CNN.com.) Not sure of the timing of these things, but it does seem harsh to have to face something like a terminal illness and the prospect of your spouse either cheating on you or leaving you.

And while many high-profile cases may bring the issues of terminal illness and divorce to light, BreastCancer.org says information suggesting the divorce rate is climbing (at least for those with breast cancer) is incorrect.

Similarly, they report just as many women leave husbands who are diagnosed with breast cancer as men who leave their wives.

If interested in more about terminal illness and divorce, check out this article from EmpowHer.com -- Are Divorce Rates Higher Among Women With Breast Cancer?
And I really like this quote from the story ...

"Breast cancer is not good for relationships, but good relationships can be made stronger by sharing hardship."

That may be easier said than done, but somehow I would like to think that if a spouse can survive the battle -- both illness and for the relationship -- he or she can come out the other side with a renewed perspective on life.

I really have mixed feelings when it comes to this subject. Wedding voes are particular when they say, "in sickness and in health". My first thought would be that I would hope that my husband would stick by my side if there was something to happen to me, but is it really fair to the person that is healthy?

I remember Terry Schiavo (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Terri_Schiavo). She was in a vegatative state after an episode of cardiac failure that left her severely brain damaged. Her husband wanted to remove her feeding tube and her parents did not want their daughter to die. Ultimately, the husband won the court battle and her feeding tube was removed. He had since moved on with his life in the midst of the sadness.

My other story I always remember on the subject is the Honorable Sandra Day O'Connor. What a historical woman. The first woman to sit on the United States Supreme Court. In November 2007, CNN reported that her family's situation has been made more difficult as, due to memory loss, her husband has formed new personal attachments in the institution where he now lives while not fully recalling his life-long family connections. On Sunday, November 18, 2007, New York Times reported in an article titled Seized by Alzheimer’s, Then Love, that she is relieved to see her husband of 55 years so content. She completely amazed me.

I am not certain what my exact feelings are about the subject. I move in both directions. I have to admit, I was facinated by Sandra Day O'Connor's story.

HI TINA,

GREAT COMMENTS. IT'S SO INTERESTING ABOUT THE BREAST CANCER ARTICLE STATING, JUST AS MANY WOMEN SEEK DIVORCE AS MEN WHEN THEY HAVE BREAST CANCER. ARE WOMEN STARTING TO ADVOCATE FOR THEMSELVES??

IT BRINGS UP THE QUESTION OF... ARE WOMEN LOOKING OUT FOR THEMSELVES AND DECIDING THAT THE MARRIAGE ISN'T WHAT THEY WANT ANYMORE? I THINK A LOT OF TIMES, WHEN WE GET SICK WE START TO REEVALUATE OUR LIVES. WE START LOOKING AT WHAT'S TRULY IMPORTANT TO US AND WHAT'S NOT.

YOU REALIZE HOW SHORT LIFE IS AND HOW IT CAN BE GONE IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE. IF YOUR MARRIAGE WASN'T GOOD BEFORE YOUR ILLNESS. MAYBE IT'S TIME TO RECONSIDER YOUR LIFE AND YOUR MARRIAGE. OR IT'S TIME TO REALLY LOOK AT IT AND SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP.

EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE JOY IN THEIR LIFE. THAT'S WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT. WE ALL HAVE CHOICES WE MAKE. SOME WOMEN AND MEN, MAY CHOOSE TO STAY IN A MARRIAGE THAT IS LESS THEN PERFECT OR SUPPORTIVE. SOME MAY SEE THEIR PARTNER AS BEING LESS THEN SUPPORTIVE. THAT'S WHEN THEY MAY DECIDE TO LEAVE.

IT'S SUCH A PERSONAL THING. YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT FEELS BEST FOR YOU.... WHATEVER THAT IS.

AS LONG AS YOU REMEMBER, LIFE IS PRECIOUS AND SOMETIMES SHORT. IF YOU'RE NOT HAPPY WHERE YOU ARE, THEN IT MAY BE TIME TO SEEK COUNSELING AND GUIDANCE TO START OPENING UP THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION. YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS TO YOUR PARTNER. THAT CAN SOMETIMES BE THE MOST DIFFICULT THING TO DO. BUT, IF YOU DON'T TELL YOUR HUSBAND OR PARTNER WHAT YOUR NEEDS ARE. YOU CANNOT EXPECT THEM TO READ YOUR MIND AND TO MEET THEM. COMMUNICATION IS EVERYTHING.

IF YOUR IN A HEALTH CRISIS AND YOUR PARTNER PULLS AWAY AND OR SEEMS TO HAVE NO EMPATHY FOR YOU. IS THAT A MARRIAGE OR RELATIONSHIP YOU WANT TO STAY IN?? CAN YOU TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE AND TELL THEM HOW YOU'RE FEELING? ALSO, IS YOUR PARTNER OR SPOUSE THERE WHEN THE CHIPS ARE DOWN? IF NOT, THAT'S SOMETHING YOU REALLY HAVE TO LOOK AT. WE ALL HAVE CHOICES. THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG ANSWER HERE. IT'S ALL ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN OR CANNOT LIVE WITH. PERIOD.

EVERYONE NEEDS TO HAVE JOY IN THEIR LIFE. THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE. LIFE IS PRECIOUS AND SOMETIMES SHORTER THEN WE WANT. BUT, ONE THING FOR SURE, YOU WANT SOMEONE WHO WILL SUPPORT YOU IN GOOD TIMES AS WELL AS BAD.

BEST IN HEALTH,

MICHELLE

Great posts on this subject! Personally I would feel compelled to support and take care of my husband if he had gotten ill, no matter how serious or long term the health situation. At the same time I do think we need to be careful about casting judgment on people where we do not have all the facts. I know our first instinct, as strong women, is to say "that creep did not stick with their spouse when they became ill, however it could be possible we do not have all the pertinent information, especially if this is some thing that is unfolding in the media.

I agree with Kelley. Half of all marriages fail. Some of these marriages that seem to fail due to illness may have been on the way out anyway.

Nobody really knows what goes on in anyone's marriage, no matter who divulges what. We need to be careful before casting any judgments.

At the same time, an aunt of mine lost a child to cancer (who ever wants to experience that?) and a couple of years later her husband was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease at the age of 45. It advanced quickly and she spent the next 35 years mashing us his food, being his wife, nurse, mother, and ended up changing his diapers, dispensing his medications and spending every day and night taking care of him as dementia began to take over.She spent her life, from when she was in her young 40s to the age of 78, caring for the man she married, who essentially became a child. She gave and never really received.

Nobody wants that life - her life. But ask her why she did it (he died a couple of years ago) and she'll tell you "because that's what you do."

She is tough, hard, strong. But I am also sure she bears resentments, regrets and a lot of sadness. Nobody signs up for this. But it was handed to her and she handled it with grace and class. We should all learn from someone like her.

I recently suffered from a very rare an extremely life threatening illness when i fell pregnant with my second child. I had a wonderful, loving caring partner who I trusted completely and was there for me when i was dying in hospital. I had to lose my baby in order to save my life. My husband and I thought about this and discussed the issue thoroughly. He was adamant that there was no choice to be made. He couldn't lose me and the odds of the baby surviving were very low. I felt torn between having to choose between my existing child and the life trying to grow inside me but I knew i didn't really have a choice. The pregnancy was ended and I started to recover, slowly. My husband started to withdraw from me and everyone else around him. His father then became ill just after I got out of hospital at at the beginning of the year he left after a few turbulent weeks where he suffered a range of mood swings and confusion to his feelings for me. I am on the mend but it has not been a smooth road to recovery and I do believe that my once loving Husband is in fact in the midst of some form of mental illness breakdown. Despite this the only professional advice I have been given is give him time, this often happens with men and their wives. he might come back? Some have said why would you want him. "Because thats what you do". I cant just walk away from the man I love and trusted if he is suffering from an illness. Two wrongs don't make a right. I can't do it to him because he did it to me first. We had GOOD life together and our marriage was solid before this happened or so i thought. What is frustrating is the lack of help out there for wives in my situation who have to sit back and watch their loved one proceed in destroying his life.

Hi Anon, thanks for sharing such a powerful story with us. You are an incredible woman for battling a life-threatening illness, having to make a difficult decision about your pregnancy and dealing with your husband's withdrawal in such a short amount of time. I'm always amazed at how the emotional aspects of illness for both patient and caregiver seem so under explored.

I'm wondering in what ways did your husband support you during your illness that you think might work with him now? Do you think he would be open to communication?

And in terms of resources, I found a pretty good resource about illness and family from the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy that was interesting to me that you may find helpful.

Finally, another woman on our site was going through something similar with her husband although her circumstances and outlook were different. You may want to take a look at that here.

It's very difficult to say how one feels about cheating or leaving a sick spouse. I can honestly say as a woman who is married to an ill husband I often think about doing both. I would never have believed that I would conemplate this, but as things become worse and worse it sure becomes an option that I've entertained. It's not the physical manifestations of illness or the deterioration related to the disease, it's the constant emotional rollercoaster that I deal with on a daily basis. It's the lack of attention, emotional connect, sex and all that a relationship should have. As my husband is more and more verbally abusive I entertain and dream of the day that I can be left alone. Am I such an awful person for wanting out? I just wish that he'd leave me so that I wouldn't have to be the "bad guy" and leave a sick spouse. And before you ask, yes I am seeing a counselor and have been.

I think that only someone who has lived it can understand the wrenching emotional battles that occur when you live with someone who is chronically ill. My husband and I have been married for 18 years. About a year into our marriage, he was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease, which is a terminal illness, but dialysis and organ transplantation can help extend life. For 15 years, I watched him get sicker and sicker, dying by inches. A year and a half ago, he finally received a kidney transplant, and has been much better. However, the price of living with his illness has been high. We did not have children. Sex became scarce, and then non-existent. Over the years, I became less of a wife, and more of a nurse, housekeeper, best friend, and roommate, since we ceased sleeping in the same room/bed long ago because of his illness, but I loved him and remained faithful. I never thought of leaving him until after he got his transplant. I know I was hoping that as he recovered, we could rebuild our intimacy and sex life, but that is not happening. We have talked about it several times, and he is simply not interested, nor is he willing to get counseling, with or without me. About a month ago, I started having an emotional affair with a co-worker, and now am seriously contemplating having sex with him. I am also going through huge internal emotional battles, because I want so much more than what I have, but feel a lot of pressure to stay, since the transplant is showing signs of rejection. I feel that I have set my own wants, needs, and desires aside for a very long time, with a sense of hope, but now that hope seems to be lost, and I really am thinking about moving on. I have looked for resources about women who face this dilemma, and have found precious little.