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Husband isn't sexually interested in me after only 2 mos. of marriage

By September 12, 2009 - 6:11am
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when we first started seeing each other we had great sex for a year, then he moved in with me and for a year and a half our sex life went from good to okay, he was taking anti depressants a nd said his lack of interest was from the pills, so he went his Dr. and was given Lavitra, It helped some, but he seemed to ejaculate to quickly, so he would take half a pill, this helped, so he gets 6 pills per bottle, and splits them in half 12 pills, they last 3 months, We got married 10 weeks ago, and never had sex on our wedding night, he was to tired. Now he seems to have more excuses not to have sex, headache, he drives 2 hours a day to and from work, he's tired, can't it wait till tomarrow, I don't feel like getting up to take a shower. I feel unwanted, unloved, there is no intimacy, no pillow talk, no nothing. I have bought porn, he'll get off after watching that, I discovered he looks at porn on computer then will have sex with me, I have purchased alot of sexy nighties, I light candles, I have put dirty little sex letters in his lunch bag, I perform 90% of the oral sex, when we do it, he just lays there doesn't touch me, then he just has sex with me and I very seldom get off, I need stimulation to, I try to talk to him about it he says I'm pouting, or i'm just mad again. well no I'm not pouting I'm hurt. he just ignores the issue and goes right to sleep, the next day he will call me from work and act as if nothing is wrong. I feel lonely, and I'm bored. I feel more like his mother than his partner. Please help.

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HERWriter Guide

Hi Ladies

I'm sorry thing are remaining the same - meaning the same old nothing. Sitnkimmie. I'd be more open to thinking something was wrong medically or psychologically if your husband was also not eating, sleeping or doing well at work. But in your case, life seems fine with him apart from his sexual connection with you. And the fact that he tells you that you're "pouting" doesn't make any sense. You have a serious problem in your marriage and he is treating you like a child.

Sitnkimmie, do you have children with your husband? If you do, then it's even more important to get things sorted out. It's not that relationships without children aren't as important but with children, it's not just the couple who suffer. So getting your marriage healthy is really important.

If your husband continues this way - and it seems like he is - it's time to get proactive. Hire a private investigator and have him followed or have his phone/internet checked. You can buy a tracker that will allow you to access his emails and all his internet activity. I think it's time to find out if there is another person, because I think you realize that it's at least a possibility.
I have said many times that ultimatums don't work and they don't. Forcing someone in a corner isn't going to make a marriage work. But you're in a corner yourself, forced into it by his lack of communication and any physical contact. It's time to come out of that corner and take a stand. If he refuses to work with you in any way, you need to reevaluate your marriage and whether you want to remain in this marriage for the rest of your life.

To the Anon who is pregnant - I'm very sorry you are going through this. Pregnancy is a difficult enough time emotionally so having marital problems on top of it is even more frustrating. But you must have some kind of sexual life with him if you are pregnant again. Divorcing with two babies will be rough going. If he absolutely refuses to go to any kind of counselling and still refuses to treat you the way he should, you can either suck it up for the sake of your children, do everything you can to encourage him to work with you to save your marriage, or agree that it's over and work out an agreement.
And if you continue to have sex with him - no matter how sporadically, make sure you use protection - don't bring a third child into a marriage that's obviously in trouble. It won't make things better - it'll do the opposite.

I wish you the best of luck with your upcoming delivery! Please update us to let us know how it goes and please also let us know how things are going with your husband. The next year will be a very busy and tiring time for you both, so he needs to step up and do his part or make other arrangements. The pressure of an unhappy marriage, combined with very young children, will do none of you any good.

September 25, 2009 - 11:21am
EmpowHER Guest

I feel your pain. My husband and I were married in June of 2009 (when I was six months pregnant) and we have a beautiful 20 month old already - but since before the wedding our sex life has just plain sucked. If he is interested, it is only long enough to get himself off and when I have tried encouraging or requesting certain things to help with my satisfaction he 'tries' for all of fortyfive seconds before going back to just caring about himself. I am due in a week with baby #2 and at this point, I have already talked to my husband about us needing marital counseling (he shows no interest) and at this point I have already talked to my family and close friends about the likelihood of a divorce. I just can't see the point in being married to someone that isn't interested in me in the bedroom.

September 24, 2009 - 9:24pm
(reply to Anonymous)

I hope he agrees to counseling, for you and the babies, I have tried talking to my husband, i have even been very frank, and asked him what i can do to make him more attracted to me, his response is nothing, he is attracted to me. I don't get it, i don't understand it and he doesn't try to help me understand. I asked him Wed, if we could have some fun in the bedroom as i would be getting my period anyday, he fell asleep, last night he said he has had a sore throat for two days. really? you seem okay laughing at the T.V. you seem okay visiting your mother last night, his excuses are even getting lame. I was awake until 2:30 am crying last night, he doesn't even realize. The only thing i can come up with now is , he must either be interested in someone else, or he is having an affair. I'm hurt and confused, and he blows me off and says I'm pouting. I'm tired of it, and I'm very lonely. I think i'm more hurt that he doesn't care. I'll take any suggestions at this time.

September 25, 2009 - 8:09am
HERWriter Guide

Hi, sitnkimmie.

I know you posted this question already yesterday and I just responded to you a few minutes ago on your original thread! Check it out and get back to us?

September 12, 2009 - 6:23am
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