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I love him but I'm losing trust in him...

By Anonymous February 20, 2015 - 11:42am
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hello, so i have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. we've never had much arguments or problems in the first year of our relationship. in fact, we couldn't get enough of each other. but then during the summer of our second year I found out that he has been routinely masturbating to porn EVERY night! we don't live together by the way. and when i found out about this i just couldn't handle it. honestly, i thought it was the most gross/disgusting thing a man can ever do! especially considering that we've had a great sexual relationship with each other! okay, so once i found out, i was completely honest with him and told him that i did not like it and that he should try and gradually bring it to an end. he disagreeed. he told me that masturbating is something he has been doing his entire life and that he can't stop. and quite frankly, i started seeing him differently. differently as a very "perverted" man with nasty thoughts about females and no respect for them. and following my thoughts, i stopped wanting to have sex with him. i thought that if he has pornography every night, why should i also pleasure him! he can't have the best of both worlds. soooo i started resenting his touch. i would continuously try to move away and pretend like i had something important to do. i really couldn't stand him touching me down there. in my head, i was thinking that he's probably imagining me as one of those pornstars. Not letting him touch me started to anger him. and we would start arguing. i would tell him that he doesn't need to have sex with me if he has internet and his right hand.

moving forward, after the similar & continuous arguments, we decided to go to the beach with his older cousin and his gf for the weekend. it was just the four of us. and while we were there, it was hell between me and my boyfriend. i felt so secluded over there. his cousin's gf is very curvy and JEALUOSY really hit my head because thoughts of him looking at her in a bikini and watching her being so playful while i was being a "bitch" (what he said i was acting like) really got to me. she is a very social girl and honestly i literally witnessed my boyfriend checking her out the entire time we were there. she knew she really had his attention so she would purposely act extra happy and playful when my boyfriend would come around!!! i once used to be happy and playful! up until i found out about his masturbation. it has affected me so negatively psychologically. the worst vacation for me. i truly hated it. once we came back home, i confronted him about it and he said that i was going nuts. that i was insane for even thinking like that. to this day i have not gotten over it and he knows that.

now i feel like all he wants is sex sex sex. i don't want to have sex. the more he desires it the more i don't want it.

then there was this time that i gave in. after 3 months i decided to have sex. but it wasn't what i was expecting. he was unable to keep an erection for more than 2 minutes! as soon as we were getting into it, he laid back and told me "i can't babe." so later on, at work, i started googling the cause of it and i found a forum posted by health specialists! I told him to take that forum into consideration. It said things about how it's not healthy to ejaculate often and how it can lead to him not being able to hold an erection for long amounts of time. also, ejaculating often can cause him to be sterile. he read it and told me that he's seriously going go try and stop. i believed him. i really did because that forum was a fact and he experienced it himself.

so 2 weeks later, i find out that he's still masturbating. I couldn't help it. i was so furious and angry with him!!! i told him how him masturbating has changed me into the "bitch" he thinks i am! i told him how i started feeling insecure about my body because he's always getting to look at perfect girls on pornography. how he's so hooked to porn! i told him that i couldn't trust him around any female because i did not know what could be going on in his mind! he took what i said into consideration because he knows that i was much different during our first year together. he understands that after i found out about his mastubation that things started going downhill between our relationship. that one topic created such a storm for both of us.

so now. he says that he's truly stopped but i can't believe him. at alll! I'm starting to doubt him a lot. and i don't want to be like this but his previous actions have left me with no other choice. i love him so dearly and i don't want to lose him but i'm helpless. i cannot trust him. there is no relationship without trust!

what should i do?

Add a Comment3 Comments

hi anon ,why dont you leave him.you havent yet married so why dont your seperate. If He cannot keep an erection for atleast 2 minutes

August 16, 2016 - 10:31am

If you don't like it now, you'll never like it so I would cut my losses and find someone else.

February 27, 2015 - 10:20am
HERWriter Guide

Hi Anon

Thanks for your post!

When two people are in a relationship - and both are ready to work on it, they treat each other with respect.  They put aside some other persuits (in his case, porn) and listen to each other, look out for each other, give each other both emotional and physical affection - and they have fun together!

Your relationship has none of that.  It's non stop drama about petty jealousies, lack of sex, masturbation, porn, and a ton of disrespect. 

How on earth do either of you live like this? What is it that you love about him? The things that used to be good? You can't cling to that if it has gone. His actions show that he neither loves nor respects you but you are clinging on in hope.  

Anon, we cannot diagnose your boyfriend but he may certainly be addicted to porn.  Addicts are, by definition, selfish.  They put their addiction before anything and risk any relationship in order to get their fix. 

I agree with you - I don't think your boyfriend has stopped the porn either. He's just being far more careful - typical of an addict. 

Unless he is willing to stop (I mean, really stop), the relationship will never work.  Don't wait, hoping that something will magically bring him back.  You love what he used to be, not what he is now.  You might as well be a blow-up doll to him - wanting nothing but sex but treating you like a nothing, otherwise.  

You can talk to him about therapy - couples counseling.  Or help for his addiction.  If he agrees to it then you both have a great shot and making this relationship work.  If it doesn't, you need to move on. 

You have only been together two years and half of that has been awful.  You are too young to be dragged into all this and your boyfriend is in no way mature enough to be in any kind of a relationship. 

You may well have been over reacting to the situation on vacation. I think your own insecurities were the factor here, not the other girl.  You may not be ready for a relationship either.  In fact, your relationship now sounds exhausting, for either of you.  I hope neither of you are feeding off the drama - that can be a bit addictive too. 

So please talk to him - sit down - no games, phones or TV around.  Both of you need to be mature and talk this out. When both people want the relationship to work, then you're half way there already.  But there's also a chance that you two are just not a match and neither of you are ready for this. 

Adult conversation - mature and real - and/or therapy are the keys to figuring this out. 



February 20, 2015 - 4:51pm
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