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It's been 2 weeks since we last had sex, what can I do to help the situation??

By Anonymous January 23, 2010 - 12:43am
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My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost 7 months now. When we first started dating, we were having sex at least once a day. However, in the last few months, we have been going 2 sometimes 3 weeks without being intimate. He uses excuses like "my head hurts" or "i'm too tired" and completely rejects me when I try to initiate. As far as I know, there are no changes to his lifestyle(we live together). But I have noticed changes in other aspects of the relationship as well. For instance, he used to not go anywhere where without me, now it seems we only go somewhere together when i say i want to go. Also, I read somewhere that a man who is really in the relationship will not jump up right after sex, which he had started doing when we were having sex. He has a history of getting "bored" with a girl and moving on quickly, but swore to me he wasn't doing that. He is 26, I am 23 and there are no medical conditions on either part. I've tried talking to him about it, but when I do, he makes a joke about it and changes the subject saying that he "doesn't know" why we aren't intimate anymore. I don't want to pressure him and I don't want "pity" sex either. I have a very strong sex drive, and he is fully aware of this, but it doesn't seem to bother him. I have laid awake many nights, crying, trying to figure out what I did or need to do to make him want me again. If anyone can help me, I will greatly appreciate it.

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EmpowHER Guest

Hi anonymous,

If you sit down and talk to him about the intimacy, maybe instead of making him feel pressured, you may want to try and help him with his stresses. For example, maybe you could see what the stresses are that are causing him to pull away from you and see if you can help him in some aspect in order to have him feel less stressed and in turn have sex again. If he is depressed, this may also cause a low libido.

I hope this helps, please keep us updated!

January 24, 2010 - 9:10am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Well I did talk to him about the stress levels and the only thing he keeps saying is work..which of course is not a subject I can help relieve stress from. I do everything I can to keep stress I can control off his shoulders. I give him neck, back, foot and even full body massages. Since my last entry, we FINALLY had sex, but that was it. There was no intimacy, just sex. I'm not complaining about that but he has yet to make any other kind of passes at me and still rejects the passes I make on him. I'm going to give it a little longer, talk with him one more time, see if anything changes and decide what I need to do. Because in my opinion, I'm still to young to be put through a relationship where I am the only one doing any pleasing.

January 28, 2010 - 9:26pm
EmpowHER Guest

Of course I will keep you posted! Thanks a lot for your help! I'm going to try to talk to him tonight. I just hope it's not what I'm suspecting. If it is, I guess it's better to find out now than wait around 6 more months and then be even more hurt and humiliated. Thanks again!

January 23, 2010 - 12:04pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

ok, so I talked to him and he said he really has been stressed out because of bills and work. I told him I wanted to talk about it to make sure there wasn't anything I did or didn't do to contribute to the situation. He said it wasn't anything I had done, he is just stressed. But I still don't understand how a man can go 2+ weeks without any intimacy. He said he goes through phases like any other human. (I must not be in that stage of life yet....because I have yet to go through that phase.) I'm kinda worried that the talk might have made him feel pressured and I don't want that. I'm not only worried about the sex, though others may think so. I just don't want to lose the intimacy in our relationship with it. If the talk leads to pity sex, I don't know how I will take it(emotionally). I want him to want to do it. Not feel like he has to in order to keep me happy.

January 23, 2010 - 7:16pm
HERWriter Guide

Hi Anon

Thanks for your question and welcome!

I'm sorry you feel so hurt and rejected; that can be expected with this type of behavior.

In some instances it's very normal to forgo very frequent sex - including medical issues or right after giving birth. But as long as the emotional connection is there, it's fine.

To tell you the truth, I think he may be falling into old patterns. He was interested in the conquest and now that he has settled into a routine, he's bored and may start looking elsewhere (particularly if he doesn't appear to want you with him when he goes out). I don't find it very reassuring that he tells you he's not "bored" because people don't say this with words, they do it with actions. And people will do anything to avoid confrontation and admit that they are no longer interested. Instead, they spin yarns about being tired, feeling unwell or the old standby: "it's not you, it's me" or "we're just moving in two separate directions".

But of course, there is always the possibility that there really is something wrong or that he is genuinely exhausted. Often times, when people say these things, it's because it's true.

But considering his reputation from jumping from relationship to relationship, his avoidance of going out with you, as well as laughing about the lack of sex (and then essentially rejecting you after sex by leaving which means he wants sex, not intimacy) then you need to sit down and just ask him to be honest. Tell him you won't get mad or be offensive, just that you deserve to know (and you do deserve that).

If past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, you may need to admit that the relationship is at a standstill. Only he can tell you why, or you can choose to talk to him, get truthful answers (be considerate, sit down over coffee or a glass of wine and don't make him feel like he's being interviewed - make it casual and friendly, he'll open up more then) and then you have to decide your next move. Don't feed off his behavior to decide what to do - feed off your needs and wants.

I hope you find that this behavior is over something else, rather than him wanting to move on without you, but it's time to find out so YOU can decide what to do for YOU.

Will you keep us posted?

January 23, 2010 - 6:49am
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