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lack of intimicy in my relationship

By Anonymous November 3, 2012 - 12:25am
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My bf and I are 2 years together now; when we first started dating he couldn't get his hands off of me and now we barely have sex. We are both very busy with our work and still continuing education but we are very in love. I have been trying to talk to him if there was anything wrong and tried talking with him about why he doesn't want to have sex anymore. He just simply says he doesn't want to talk about it. He ignores the subject but he says why can't you just be happy loving me? I do love him, I am 28 years old and he is 26 years old. We live together, get along great, show love and emotion but he is not performing and satisfying me! I am in love with him and look forward to our future but with out sex or any kind of performance I am very unhappy that were not able to do that. It has been about 2 months now and I am waiting patiently but sometimes I just tell him through the text and ask him why doesn't he want me anymore; he simply ignores me until I talk about something else. HELP, what do I do in this situation? what is my position in this and how long do I have to wait?

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You may need the help of a therapist. Or a relationship coach... communication between you on this intimate topic is blocked... the reality needs to be addressed head-on. You're not happy and he's not talking.

Examples of what could be discussed; What's missing for you, and for him?
What turns him on? You?
What is romantic to you? Him?
Fantasies? Secret needs/desires?

Some men have needs or fantasies that are about visual turn-on's, or "dirty-girl" behaviors that are not what is waiting for them day in and day out.

Women need connection, communication and romance, to be sexually attractive and attracted right? Often this is not something that comes naturally for a guy unless someone important to him modeled this behavior when growing up.

Face it, neither gender is very good at discussion our sexual needs, there is no training for this in schools and most families never discuss sex at all.

The amazing popularity of 50 Shades of Grey may not be so amazing after all; it has tapped a wide-erotic nerve in a lot of women and men too.

And yes, he may be interested in another... and is afraid to tell you, or is lazy-comfortable in the situation of your live-in agreement. Hard to discuss this with honesty without professional help.

Wishing you the very best in your relationship,
Hugs Lori

November 4, 2012 - 11:07pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Coloradogirl)

Hi Lori,

Thank you for your reply! We have a great relationship and I am starting to feel he is afraid of Marriage, kids, being able to support me as his wife..etc...His such an amazing man and makes me so happy! We recently had a quickie and it was amazing! =) But I think what really is going on is that we are both very tired and being together in each others company is what matters a lot to both of us. Sex is not everything but yes it does play a role in our life and women complain a lot. What I am starting to see is that he wants to love me more and he used to be a huge sex addict-so I am special to him and he does not want me to be just someone he just have sex with. He tells me everyday I mean a lot to him and he loves me very much! I have no doubt that we will work things out. He is not cheating on me nothing close to that at all! He works with Engineers all day and his brother runs the company so I know there is nothing going on. We will work things out and I am looking to my future with this man.

November 6, 2012 - 5:17pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Anonymous,

Thank you for your question and I am sorry to hear about your situation. I recently went to a relationship seminar and this was an interesting concept that came up. The speaker was a clinical psychologist who spent his entire career listening to couples who complained and "didn't feel loved" in a relationship due to some facet that they were missing. One of the "missing" issues was ~touch~ or intimacy in your situation. So in essence, your love language would be touching. On the other end, your boyfriend may not feel love in that same way but he may need you to listen to him and provide him an "ego boost" let's say.

The point is, in every relationship two people may not speak the same "love language" but understanding each others language will be helpful. Patience, communication and understanding will always lead to a good relationship. If he is cheating on you, then this would not be miscommunication but rather a decision to stay or go.

Another suggestion is that it is very common that those awesome butterfly feelings and excitement tend to fade after 2 years of being in a relationship. The new becomes the daily ritual. This is nothing bad but women must understand that those feelings tend to fade and then we become more comfortable in a relationship and understanding and true love can grow at that point. This is the time where spending time alone doesn't mean "I don't love" you but rather that we understand that we don't need to be right next to each other daily in order to love each other.

I know relationships are crazy and complicated at times but understanding and communication will always iron out the woes.

Good luck,

November 3, 2012 - 5:09am
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