Facebook Pixel

My boyfriend doesn't ever want to have sex or kiss me passionately anymore

By July 5, 2011 - 1:18pm
Rate This

I have been with my boyfriend for about 5 months, and we have been officially boyfriend and girlfriend for 3 months. He is 33 and I am 27. The past month or so, he never, ever initiates sex or even kisses me passionately. He says he is under a lot of stress working long hours and trying to catch up with his bills. We have fought about this, as he gets angry when I bring it up, and I end up in tears. I love him so much. Every other part of our relationship shows me he does truly love me. He has brought up the future, marriage, and even says he wants to adopt my 5 year old daughter. He calls and checks in with me all the time when we're not together, tells me he loves me "with all his heart and soul," and is wonderful with my little girl. But the lack of intimacy is breaking my heart. I used to feel beautiful and sexy, but now my self esteem has hit rock bottom. He tells me I'm sexy and beautiful, but it is hard to believe it when he doesn't act on it. I am fairly certain he is not cheating, but at this point everything has crossed my mind as I have never experienced this before. It is ego crushing. He is a wonderful man, and aside from this issue I could see myself possibly spending the rest of my life with him. But I cannot live in a sexless relationship. I asked him why he doesn't kiss me anymore, and he said he is just tired and doesn't feel the need to, that he enjoys just holding me. I wonder if you love someone how you could not feel the need to kiss passionately. He does kiss me, but he won't make out with me unless I ask him to. The other night after a big fight, he told me, "I do know how you feel, I have been in your shoes of wanting sex more than the other person." I know he was trying to be supportive, but this just got me hysterical all over again! With someone else he wanted it all the time, but with me he doesn't and its a problem! He said it was many years ago when he didn't have the stress, but now I just can't get it out of my head. For the record I have not changed physically at all since he first met me. I am exactly the same weight, same everything. We have sex only about once a week, which I initiate 9 out of 10 times. I go down on him maybe a 1 or 2 times a week. Which I love to do and quite frankly would do everyday if I didn't fear I might be rejected. I want to have sex and go down on him all the time, everytime we're together. Why doesn't he want it??! He does a lot for me and my daughter, and is very supportive in other ways. He does have a motorcycle, a "crotch rocket," that he's had for five years. I researched and found something about riders having erectile, fertility, libido, and impotence problems. Could this be the cause? Once he is erect, he can stay erect, but he does take a little while to gain an erection, longer than any other guy I've been with. I suppose a few minutes, whereas other men I have been with it was instant. But he's also older than my exes, could his age be a factor? I thought 33 was still young, but I feel like I know nothing anymore! When we do have sex he ejaculates quickly, about 5 minutes usually. Is he just not attracted to me? But if thats the case, why are all the other signs there that he loves me? He always wants to spend time with me and calls me multiple times a day, pays for things for me and my daughter, even though I never asked or expected it. He says he does it because he wants to and he loves us. He works long hours in the heat, could this be part of it? Also, I have noticed that he does not take very good care of himself. He has not seen a doctor in years, has had blood in his stool for five years, drinks about 5 energy drinks a day, and physically abuses his body at work carrying more weight than I think he should at a time. He also eats take out all the time, and junk food. I tell him I will cook, but he never wants to be bothered to go grocery shopping. And he smokes. Please help! Could he be cheating on me?? My heart says he isn't but my mind keeps going there as I simply cannot fathom a man not wanting sex, unless he simply isn't attracted to me anymore! I truly love him and can't bring myself to leave him. Please help!!

Add a Comment5 Comments

EmpowHER Guest

I am jealous. Yours has only dismissed you for one month. It has been almost 2 years for me. He always turns his head away just when the kiss starts to get good. I am a real chump.

August 28, 2016 - 1:06pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

You're not a chump - you're someone is love with someone who may not be in love with you and that's a horrible feeling.

Get yourself out of this relationship even if it hurts to do so. You'll look back and be glad you did.


August 30, 2016 - 12:37pm

Take it one step at a time. Your boyfriend's health, specifically, blood in the stool, needs to take priority over possible erectile dysfunction or lack of libido. Work on getting him to take care of this...go to the emergency room if necessary. Rectal bleeding can be as simple as hemorrhoids or as serious as colorectal cancer. A urologist is a specialist who can diagnosis erectile dysfunction.

July 6, 2011 - 4:59pm

It is understandable that you should feel rejected by your boyfriend's lack of interest in having sex. However, the fact that your boyfriend is having blood in his stool for 5 years is a very serious concern that needs immediate medical attention. I don't care if he doesn't want to see a doctor, it is imperative that he does.
If you re-read what you wrote, I think you will find clues to why your boyfriend is not interested in having sex. It sounds like he does hard, physical labor, is concerned about paying his bills. is not taking care of his health. It is possible that he does suffer from erectile dysfunction. I suggest, that instead of arguing about not having sex, you urge him to get a complete physical examination with his doctor. If he cannot afford a doctor's visit, consider a health clinic. Hospitals and community centers often have clinics with a sliding scale payment based on a person's income.

July 5, 2011 - 4:31pm
(reply to Maryann Gromisch RN)

Thank you very much for your reply. I do agree wholeheartedly that he needs to see a doctor, and we have discussed this. I did not bring up the issue of sex, rather, it was over the blood in the stool thing. He just said he does not have health insurance and cannot afford it. I will suggest a clinic as you suggested. I have thought about ED as well, but he is able to get and maintain an erection, just not very quickly. And when he does, it is usually not a full erection, but a partial one. But he does get fully hard if I go down on him. Also, he never loses his erection, and I thought thats what erectile dysfunction was. Does this still sound to you like ED? And if so, how do I approach this topic without hurting his ego? I know this is a very sensitive topic for men. I do love him very much, and if it is indeed a medical thing I will stand by him and not feel so hurt as to give him a hard time about it. But I dont think he would ever bring up sexual problems to a doctor, so how do I go about this and preferably make it his idea? Thank you again for your reply

July 5, 2011 - 7:19pm
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy
Add a Comment

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.

Sex & Relationships

Get Email Updates

Resource Centers

Sex & Relationships Guide

HERWriter Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.


Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!