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My husband doesn't like the way I look

By June 4, 2010 - 9:11pm
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I am unhappy that my husband doesn't like the way I look. What I mean is he doesn't like my body type, he doesn't like the size of my nipples - he has a list. He said he thinks my face isn't unpleasant. I've been married to him for eleven years. He isn't mean; he's just very convinced that I do not fit the criteria that is required to be a good looking woman.

He responds sexually, but I find his attitude toward the way I look a turn off. He likes the way he looks and he is very comfortable in his own body.

I got breast implants nine years ago, frankly to please him, but still he said I don't fit the bill. I am in good health, a size 12. I'm almost 5'7". I have gained weight since going through menopause. I think I weigh around 155lbs. I usually weigh 128 lbs. He thought I was too fat at 128 lbs; he has told me just not to gain anymore or he'll leave.

I believe he loves me. He calls his assessment of my body "reality." He says he loves me for who I am, not for my body. I have gone from really liking sex to feeling ashamed of my body, I don't want to take off my clothes.

Any suggestions? I am trying to lose the weight and firm up, but it's a slow process.

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EmpowHER Guest

My husband and I are temporarily apart while I am visiting family. We talk on FaceTime and everything has seemed fine until this morning. I really don't know what to make of this. My husband said in our last conversation that he misses me, he loves me, I have a beautiful smile (which I have a hard time accepting because I just don't see myself that way). I'm trying really hard to accept compliments but it's hard when things like this happen....... After what I thought was a really good conversation, we said our goodbyes and then he immediately sent me a screenshot he had got of me which would have to be one of the most unflattering pictures ever taken. I mean it was ugly. I laughed it off as the joke I guess it was meant to be, but it took me back to high school being bullied by the 'mean girls'. I never expected that I would have to endure my husband making fun of my looks in this way. Sometimes he has no idea how deeply he can hurt me in an instant. Just had to find somewhere to vent about this, I don't want to cry.

May 11, 2016 - 4:26am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Maybe your husband has a dark sense of humor but that was a mean trick he played. And very juvenile considering he set you up by complimenting your looks, all while taking an unflattering picture of you (something even supermodels have!) in order to send it to you later.

Is this unusual behavior from him or is there a pattern here?


May 11, 2016 - 6:44am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

Hi Susan,
Thanks for your comments. I wouldn't say there is a pattern of deliberate meanness but there is definitely one of insensitivity. We have only been married a few years but we are in our 40s so it's sad to me that the word juvenile as you suggested does actually fit his behavior at times. I'm ok, the sting will fade and I'll put it behind me. I'm slowly learning my own value and so I don't have to rely on anyone to make me feel good about myself. It would be nice if I could trust my husband next time he pays me a compliment instead of being on guard. Sad that he doesn't see how he's sabotaging intimacy with his wife but I guess that's for him to figure out.

May 11, 2016 - 10:41am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi again Anon!

You have a very level head on your shoulders which is good to see!

I understand you're ok and the sting will fade but if he does something like that again, tell him to cut it out, that it's not funny.

I don't rely on anyone to tell me my value either but it's certainly wonderful to have it reinforced by my husband. Husbands are supposed to be the ones to build you up and hold you if you fall down. Not play childish tricks with a hurtful undertone.

Stay strong!


May 11, 2016 - 1:35pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

Thanks again Susan.
You're right, he needs to know when a joke isn't funny. I find it hard sometimes to explain something that I think should be blatantly obvious so it's really nice to have stumbled upon this page and be heard by someone who just gets it! I'm really grateful for your feedback. I'm not sure when or how I'll bring this one up but I've decided that I won't accept the unacceptable anymore. Hopefully he'll respect that. Well thanks again for your thoughtful words. :-)

May 11, 2016 - 3:41pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

You're welcome!

Come back to us anytime!


May 12, 2016 - 5:13am
EmpowHER Guest

My boyfriend hates my weight not that am over weight or big am 64kg and 5months pregnant, he hates what I eat, I don't understand him because I do eat what he eats he says I should reduce on eating or eat certain foods. It's making uncomfortable and sad

July 23, 2015 - 10:13am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

You're boyfriend's behaving like a jackass. Has this started all this, now that you are pregnant? Tell him he needs to grow up and realize that all pregnant women gain weight, since they are growing and carrying another human for 9 months. You sound quite petite.

Don't pay attention to his nonsense - he can leave the table if he doesn't like what you eat.

Stay strong~!


July 23, 2015 - 2:57pm
EmpowHER Guest

So, I asked my boyfriend if I was hot. I know, TRAP! You'll never be happy- blah,blah. Every girl does it at least once in her life so shut up. Anyway, I did. His reply was "sorta."
Look, I get that this reflects my own bodily insecurities and all and Yep, 100% correct- I have ALWAYS had this issue but it's consuming me because I feel it's so out of my control! To put into perspective: I am a short girl; 157cm. I am23,I weigh 62kg which according to most is average however as much as I'd like to say otherwise, I'm seriously not toned- like, at all. I know that I have a classically pretty face equipped with beauty spot and pouty lips but I WANT that sexy body that drives men crazzzyyy. The thing is- I know that YOU NEED TO WORK FOR IT, or you can be a spoilt bitch and just be born with it (like my bfs ex) but I walk for 75mins every morning and calorie count, boy do I- and I enjoy this, this can be MAINTAINED but squats, lunges, running, etc, etc is just not something that I am naturally interested in, nor am I used to doing. I refuse to begin exercise that I hate, only to hate myself more for hating it and hate then I hate myself for not doing it- and the viscous cycle continues.
Which brings me to my boyfriends comment which I know I asked but for gods sake, he's not a fitness fanatic by any means, nor does he try to support me in my healthy eating. He is beautiful and would never mean me harm but why couldn't he have just said "you are hit to me but let's try and lose a few kilos together?!"
I feel that now he has said I'm "sort of" hot that I don't want him to touch, look or think about my body. I suppose I expected hotness to be somewhat like sexiness, not just skin deep. Sigh- I just don't know what I think of my body- it's "normal" to doctors and such, and my boyfriend tells me "it's fine, you are too hard on yourself" and then hits me with a very contradictory doozey like "sort of hot."
I feel like one has to come to terms with not feeling sexy and get on with it, but men don't understand how much women so long for the feeling of sexiness.
I woman wants her partner to crave her body, to be thankful for it and want nothing else, but most of all feel sexy as she is.

July 3, 2015 - 3:23am
EmpowHER Guest

You know my husband is the same way. I'm leaving him because that is not love !! :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

April 30, 2015 - 2:40pm
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