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My live-in b-f of over 2 years is uninterested in sex with me...

By August 12, 2009 - 9:26pm
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My b-f and I have been together for a little over 2 years and living together for 2 years. He has always been pretty much of a roller coaster with his emotions- from going to sweet to hurtful and angry in a matter of minutes. We are both into bodybuilding and have a pretty quiet lifestyle- no partying, drinking, etc. In the past few months, our sex life has definitely been boring. It went from sometimes twice a day to basically once a week. I am usually the initiator, although I try to be very patient and non-dramatic. He is 31, I am 38. He works on automobiles from early morning to sometimes late at night. We are both very independent, but I think he may be insecure. He works a part-time job with high school aged people with whom he texts and sends pics to. Some of these h.s. people are girls that he sends pics to and it makes me pretty uncomfortable. The pictures are not pornographic, but they are pics of cute things (like puppies or baby bunnies) that I send to him which he forwards to these few girls. I don't know if he wants the attention or what from these girls. I am a jealous person, but I try to keep my feelings to myself. It just seems weird for a 31 year old guy to be sending pics or messaging a 17 year old. He said they are all friends and he sends them to everyone, not just the girls. Still...weird. On a daily basis he is very sweet with the things he says to me- whether it be my appearance or the cute nicknames that he has. But then when it comes to sex, lately he just seems really uninterested. He gets upset when I talk to people at the gym and doesn't want me to have friends, yet it is perfectly fine for him to do so. He has mentioned that he is tired of hearing from people at the gym about how I look and he doesn't get the attention anymore. Is this his way of making me pay for his insecurity? I know he would never cheat, nor would I, but I know there are other guys out there who would be happy to treat me right. I just love him so much and don't understand. Please, any advice?

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EmpowHER Guest

I think certainly comfort stops the intimacy in the relationship. You get comfortable and don't feel as if you have to impress someone anymore (your already there). Think of this, if you ate the same thing everyday, would it taste the same as the first one? I see your very athletic, do you do the same routine everyday? I bet the answer is no.

Change is good in all relationships. Not breaking up but when you hit that plateau in working out, you change to make it work in your favor again. Try that. Try to surprise him in some way. You never know what will happen. You are certainly not alone when it comes to sexual attention.

I would beware and watch for any signs that he may be interested elsewhere but at the same time, getting attention from elsewhere makes you feel still attractive and it can be just that. I love hearing someone say I am sexy or you look great, but I don't act upon it. It helps my ego and maybe I even stand up a little taller that day.

I wish you the best, please keep us updated since we all have this problem at one time or another.

August 15, 2009 - 9:25am
(reply to Anonymous)

Thanks so much- you are right. As humans we all like to get attention outside of our intimate relationships. I have found that being more independent and having separate interests helps. I would even rather go to the gym without my guy b-c then we are each free to talk to whom we please without the other one making a big deal about it. It is a great ego boost for sure- as I compliment men and women alike at my gym on their physiques. It seems to make everyone want to work that much harder. I suppose as my guy and I are both athletes that our sex drive would always be on high. I know it is for me- but not so much him. I really want to thank you for your time, support and advice! =)

August 15, 2009 - 3:51pm
HERWriter Guide

Hi again, Fitgirl -

Your honesty is very commendable, as is your ability to sort through the unnecessary fluff that some women cling to, in an effort to avoid dealing with the real issues. Thank you for that, it makes it so much easier to get to the heart of the problems and not focus on mindless things instead.

I think steroids could be a problem here - they are notorious for causing mood swings, although proponent of steroid use claim that to be untrue. One website calls " significant psychiatric symptoms " rare, saying it's only 5% of people taking steroids. That is one in twenty people! Since when is that rare?! I would argue that it's a huge percentage. Other problems like developing breast tissue and acne are not going to help a man who is already prone to mood swings.

Sexual side effects are common. Even though a man may actually want sex more, they cannot perform, due to steroids causing erectile dysfunction.

Like you, I also admire hard workers. I think it's a very admirable trait in a person. But when you say hard worker, do you mean he works hard on his body - meaning on himself? Or does he also work hard on his career and around the house too? Because working hard on his body is fine (and good!) but any body builder will tell you that they are very self-focused and self-obsessed. It kind of comes with the territory.

You said "I don't know if he really loves me or if he just loves the idea of having all of his needs met, and giving back only when he's in the mood." - and I think you're really on to something there.
And the fact that he is being wonderful to you now, after you warned him about text messaging teen girls, simply means he's trying to get back in your favor.

But you can't possibly live your life with ultimatums and showdowns. If the only reason you get the good treatment is because you've given him an ultimatum, your relationship is going to be nothing more than a serious of dramatic highs and lows. And mostly lows. And spinning your wheels, as you said, waiting for something to change. Perhaps the 'something' that needs to change is you and not him. It doesn't appear that he is prepared to change. Putting others down is a clear sign of low self-esteem but a need to dominate others.

Should you keep away from his phone? That's tricky to answer but it has nothing to do with being a stalker. You do have legitimate reason to worry about his contact with teen girls and until he proves otherwise, you may still have reason to worry. But he does need to be given a chance to prove himself, so I think it's good to give him that chance.

You may be able to work through this and think back in a couple of years and think "I'm so glad I didn't walk away - it was worth the time and effort to sort through our problems" - and you may end up in a very fulfilling relationship. Some relationships are really worth wading through the problems and emerging and much better, and stronger couple.

But on the other hand, you don't want to be sitting here at age 40 and thinking "Nothing has changed - same s--t, different day, and I have spent years trying to get a man to change who has no intention of changing - I should have walked away when I knew in my heart that this was how it was always going to be."

Oh, to have a crystal ball, eh? To be able to fast-forward a year or two from and now and take a sneak peak to see how things are.

But in a way, we all have a crystal ball. To see the future, we look to the past. Most people show how they will behave in the future, by how they behaved in the past. So if he proves to you that he won't change, by continuing the texting, by continuing the controlling behavior and by putting others down and not wanting you to have friends, he is telling you how life will always be.

I think it's great you put your foot down and told him the texting was ending, or your relationship was. Maybe he needed this. Now that you've done this, let it sink in for a day or so and then talk to him about the other issues. Things have to change or you'll waste your life living in a perpetual cycle of horrible ups and downs.

You are so good about taking care of the outside of your body so be good in taking care of the inside too - your heart, your mind, your entire self.

There's no need to write this relationship off. You said he has the ability to be wonderful, but that can't be a part-time trait. Switching on and off like that means that everyone walks on egg shells around him. No-one has the right to decide how everyone else gets to feel.

Fitgirl, you have a very smart head on your shoulders so I think you're very capable of going ahead and figuring this one out (and we're here to be a sounding board for you - always!). Don't let a potential job decide anything (although in this economy I know that's not easy) - take control of the situation, no matter what job you have.

Talk to your boyfriend, tell him everything you tell us and be as firm as you can, but kind. Whether he's willing to change is up to him, but he doesn't get to decide your happiness. I do hope you both can work things out. It isn't easy finding someone to make a life with and a relationship with a solid foundation of trust and respect is ALWAYS worth fighting for. But you need to make sure that you do have that foundation to begin with.

Will you stay in touch with us?

August 15, 2009 - 5:46am
(reply to Susan Cody)

Thank you so much for listening and for your honesty. I appreciate the fact that many of the ladies here have experience with or are going through the very same thing. Ah, relationships, huh? Seems like one is always giving more than the other. We had a very short conversation last night where I said what you mentioned- that it is totally inappropriate for a grown man to have a friendship with a teenager who isn't his own child. He played it off that he was only nice to these people on the two days that he works, and otherwise does not have contact with these people. He said I'm insecure because he likes the people he works with. I said that I'm insecure because our sex life is a roller coaster- what should I think? That I am a superfly hottie? Haha. Anyway he said that his hormones are up and down because of what he takes and that sometimes he just isn't in the mood. Glad he was honest anyhow. I told him that I wouldn't mention the work thing again (because it feels like a broken record).
In regard to his working hard, I definitely meant at his job. He takes a lot of pride in working on his automobiles and motorcycles, and it's a good stress reliever for him. Maybe that's why he doesn't need sex??? Haha.
Another thing I have noticed from reading the postings on this wonderful website are that many of the ladies here are experiencing a drop in their sex life after they and their partner have been together for two years. I wonder what the significance is? Maybe that is enough time for a guy to determine that he doesn't have to try as hard, because he and his lady have been together long enough that he doesn't have to try as hard anymore? What do you think? I was married for 10 years prior to this relationship, and there were some changes in our sex life, but nothing like this has been. Just wondering. Thanks so much again for your help and advice. Hope to stay in touch! //( ^ ^ )\\

August 15, 2009 - 7:52am

Hello, and thanks so much for your response! =-) You are so very sweet! As far as steroids are concerned, yes he does use them and is currently on a cycle. He has used them for about 7-8 years. I found out he was using them about 6 months into our relationship. He knows that he is a roller coaster (his reason for staying busy with car/motorcycle projects at home) and puts much of his intensity into that. He is very mucha homebody and doesn't go out. We go to the bookstore, movies, dinner, and watch movies at home all the time. I feel like a mom to him (as many of use do with our male counterparts)- making meals, doing laundry, cleaning, etc.
Last night as he was leaving for work at his part-time job (he had just finished changing my oil in my car), I said to him " If you ever send any pictures to the girl at work again, I am done. I don't need that stupid, childish b-s in my life, and I deserve to be treated better. I WILL find out if it does happen again, so you need to think about what is more important- to flirt with a teenager or to have a real relationship. You don't get to have both, and that's all I'm going to say." He left without comment, and called me soon after. The conversation was unrelated to any of the drama. This morning when we were having breakfast, he said, " I just love you so much and don't ever want you to leave me." All day he has been accomodating and giving (not sexually though). I don't know if he really loves me or if he just loves the idea of having all of his needs met, and giving back only when he's in the mood. I haven't looked at his text messages since I found the picture a few weeks ago- I'm trying to be more trusting but I don't want to be naive.
Like an idiot, I am one of those women who likes to make people happy at the expense of my own happiness. He DOES do really nice things, but it seems like it's when he feels like I am upset and he wants to do something nice to reel me back in (which usually works =( ) . I don't know if he will ever grow up. He is very much a narcisscist, putting down the few friends he has, only to nuild himself up. We are totally opposite in that regard. I just feel like I am spinning my wheels and hoping for something that isn't likely to change.
What do I love about him? Gosh, great question. He can be the cuddliest, sweetest guy ever. He looks amazing. He is a very hard worker, which I truly admire. But his emotions come in doses. Sometimes for weeks he will be affectionate and loving, then after that it's like we are just 2 roommates.
Right now I am in-between jobs which makes it a little more tricky. I took a test 3 weeks ago for a state job and did very well on it, but there are a lot more steps in the process. I won't know until September until I pass all the other tests whether or not I will be hired. If by God's hand I do, I believe that is His way of saying that I am ready for a big change in my love life as well.
Should I keep away from his phone and be trusting or what? Any ideas? I'm not the stalker type, so I don't check up on him at work.

August 14, 2009 - 8:31pm
HERWriter Guide

Dear fitgirl

Thanks for your question and welcome!

A grown thirty-something man who texts teenage girls is either looking for trouble, or causing it! It matters not whether he works with them - they are co-workers and minors, and he is treading on thin ice. My daughters are very young but if they were 17 and sending/receiving texts from a grown man, he would be facing my very tall husband very quickly - it's simply inappropriate, whether is cute puppies or anything else or whether he also sends them to young men. Grown men do not need teen girls as friends. It only takes one misunderstanding (or deliberate set-up) for the police to arrive at his (and your) door. That's not me being dramatic, it happens all the time. And you don't know for sure that it's just cute emails and pics he is sending. He could be selectively deleting from his 'sent' file. And teen girls can also be inappropriate, "sexting" him whether he wants it or not.

And I think you know that it's wrong or you wouldn't be asking about it. You need to inform him that this needs to stop. If he thinks it's fine and appropriate then you may want to reconsider the relationship.

He sounds like he may be immature - getting mad that you get compliments from the gym or not wanting you to have friends is very strange - and controlling. Withdrawal of sex may be his way of passively punishing you and controlling you.

Do you know if he's taking steroids to increase his muscle mass? I know that most body builders go natural, but many also take steroids which causes mood swings, anger and acting out. sexual withdrawal is also of note. You should check into this.

It seems your boyfriend either has something going on in his life that you don't know about, or is too immature for a relationship with a mature 38 year old woman who is (or was) confident and has her own activities and interests.

What I want to know is how the relationship is benefiting you - do you feel fulfilled, satisfied and happy? What is it about him that you like and love? Don't say "but I just love him!" - tell us what it is that makes you continue to invest in a relationship that is not actually happy - and that has obvious problems.

If there is enough to make you want to work out the problems (that does not include "love" or the fact that you have been together for a couple of years, neither reason is enough, no matter what anyone tells you) then work with that to start to put things right. And none of it will matter unless he is also willing to change some of his behaviors and allow you some freedoms, not to mention friends. What person doesn't want someone they love to have friends?

You may "love" him - does he love you? People who love other people do not react like this and don't treat others like this. We teach others how to treat us. We can all talk a good game but our actions show how we really feel.

I look forward to talking to you more! Please update us a little more (sorry for all my questions)! I think a relationship with a solid foundation of caring, commitment and mutual respect always has a shot. But you need to make sure that BOTH of you have these traits and not just you.

PS - Is that you in your avatar? You look amazing!

August 14, 2009 - 11:56am
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