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In a new relationship, but not having much sex. Is something wrong?

By July 13, 2009 - 6:08pm
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I have been dating this really great guy for about 3 and a half months now. In january of this year we were introduced to each other by a married couple that we both know (he's friends with the husband, I, the wife.) We went on multiple double dates with this couple until he got my phone number, then we started going out just the two of us. Ever since he got my phone number (this was the beginning of April) we have spent every weekend together. I should point out that we can only really see each other on the weekends due to conflicting schedules, he works 3rd shift and I work 1st shift. We had sex for the first time about 2 months ago and it is great! When I started dating again after my last relationship I had decided I wanted to date someone a little older than me, and now I know why that is. We get along really great, and he is so much more on my maturity level than any of the previous guys I have dated. Now here is the problem that I am having. I think that maybe the first two weekends after we started having sex we did it 2 or 3 times over the course of the weekend, but since then it has been only once during the weekend. Keep in mind that I am generally at his house Saturday night and Sunday night, and I do sleep at his house so we are usually together for at least 2 full days, then we go all week without seeing each other. Now this last weekend we didn't have sex at all which is why I am here, I'm quite concerned and frustrated. I did talk to him about it once because I couldn't get the situation off my mind and he said "I don't feel like we need to be having sex every minute that we are together." I also expressed my feelings of being worried that it was me and he assured me that it is not me. I'm not some kind of raging sexaholic, but seeing how this is still very new to both of us and we can see each other only a limited amount of time, I am confused as to what is going on here. Should I be so worried about this? I would really appreciate any advice that anyone can give me. Thanks.

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HERWriter Guide

Hi Tris

Thank you for your question and welcome to Empowher.

This is such a subjective subject that honestly, no-one can tell you to be worried about this or not. Depending on everyone's personal experiences and preferences, you should break up straight away - or marry the guy!

The problem is this - when sex is not a problem, sex matters only a small fraction in the relationship. When sex IS a problem, it matters so much it can shadow all the good stuff.

I can understand that sex in a new relationship is usually quite intense and frequent. In fact, it usually takes up to 3-5 years to cool down to a slower level (and that's assuming no pregnancies or babies are involved!).

But some men and women simply have a higher/lower sex drive. Some men and women can slow down with age. Lots of things slow down, sex is one of them. This is not some broad stroke statement, mind you. Lots of people have a huge sex drive their whole lives! But for the sake of argument here, it may be the case. You say your boyfriend is older than you - I assume it's by a fairly significant amount, if you mention it. More than five years? Ten years? He may be in a different place to you, sexually.

We're different people at age 20, 30, 40, 50, 50 and on and on. We're different emotionally, physically, financially etc. How big is your age difference?

Is he physically fit? Does he have stressors in his life? There could be a sexual problem or a something mental, or he simply may have a lower sex drive. Time will probably tell which it is.

I don't usually give relationship advice because it's impossible to understand all the variables in someone's life, plus their partner's life, especially when we only have one of their stories. But handle this delicately lest your boyfriend feel criticized or not living up to expectations. If all other aspects of your relationship are good, then make sure you don't make this a huge issue unless it really is one. And don't forget that cuddling, holding, talking and laughing are great fun and comfort. Doing it more and more can help initiate things progressing.

You are entitled to have a good sex life and you're right, it's doesn't make you a "raging sexaholic" at all! My thought is that you both have a different sex drive - yours is average and his is low.

I also wonder has he the desire but difficulty with performing, or does he have less desire altogether? When you have sex, you said it's great - this is a good thing! Some people (men and/or women) are perfectly content with sex once a week or just a couple times a month. Others want it even less or lots more. If there are no physical/sexual/emotional reasons for this issue with you both, he may need to make a little more effort - and you may need to worry less. A kind of compromise by both of you. Asking more of him may be asking too much - but you also need to be happy. This is something you'll have to work on together, and fairly.

Does this help you?

July 15, 2009 - 2:12pm
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