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Partner not satisfied with my body

By June 3, 2015 - 10:43pm
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Hi, my partner is not satisfied with my body. He has told me he needs pornography because he likes "those" kind of bodies as if my body was not one of them. I am a sex positive person, so intellectualize porn as normal, but I feel awful that he doesn't get excited about me this way. Does having children ruin your sex life forever? I used to have multiple partners without getting committed to one. Now I am in a monogamous relationship with the one I love and he doesn't love my body and has said in his journal that he will never be satisfied with me. ( I know I should not have read his journal). I think I am pretty. I am trapped unless I leave the only person I have ever really loved. Maybe lust is different than love and you can only have one or the other. Maybe lust is for people who don't have babies or breastfeed. I am sure this is a common issue. My breast sag from breastfeeding and my belly...He doesn't look at my body or get turned on by me. I would be happy to enjoy the porn with him if I felt sexy and attractive and if it was supplemental, but how can I compete with hundreds of anarexic young women with bouncy breasts?

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Hi eldermoss

Thank you for sharing your story - I'm sure it wasn't easy.

Porn has transferred normal woman into cartoon characters.  Skinny women with enormous breast implants, fake hair/wigs/nails, colored contacts, overly bleached teeth or veneers and the list goes on.  They seem to orgasm as soon as man touches them. This is all fake and while some men know the difference, many don't seem to.  They get so wrapped up in this that they end up thinking these women are real and they are not.  They also don't age well at all. Porn actresses are thrown to the curb as soon as they show signs of aging. 

Your partner seems to be in that category of men who end up insisting that all women should look like this in real life. It's like you thinking all men should look like body-builders with a 10 inch penis. Real life isn't like that and your partner doesn't seem to know or care.  Old style porn was never like this but modern porn is and it has wrecked havoc on relationships. 

Your partner needs to come to terms with this. I think stopping porn is the obvious answer but he also needs some therapy to help him through this.  If he won't consider these choices then your relationship may have come to a standstill.  You can't change him, only he can do that. 

Having children certainly doesn't ruin your sex life - it's all about attitude and realism. Your partner isn't happy with your body or his sex life with you.  So maybe the changes need to come from you.  Be healthy - watch your weight and exercise but that goes for everyone. Our bodies change over time and babies do change our bodies.  That's real life. And it's ok. 

I think it' great that you are sex-positive and that you think you are pretty. I bet you are really pretty. Your attitude is great.  But your partner is dragging you down.  I know you love him but his treatment of you is actually psychologically abusive. It's very hurtful and is not acceptable.  I do think he loves you but sees you as some kind of project that needs fixing so that you transform (physically) into one of these cartoon characters. 

This is completely unreasonable.  You don't have to live your life feeling second best to women who don't even exist in nature.  So you're right - you can't compete with this.  Why would you want to? 

Tell your partner that these behaviors and comments aren't ok.  Tell him the changes you'd like to see and tell him how you feel.  Talk in terms of how you feel, not how he makes you feel. Like "I feel unwanted when compared to porn actresses" rather than "you make me feel...".  This is positive talk. 

If he refuses to change and you always feel like this, then you have some hard decisions to make.  Perhaps a separation is a good idea so that you can both think things through before making anything permanent.  You may find that you lose 175-200 pounds of pressure off your body straight away...



June 4, 2015 - 5:57am
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