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Please help! How do i get my boyfriend to wear condoms?

By Anonymous October 27, 2009 - 8:30pm
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I don't really know what to say about this but we only have sex whenever he wants it. Other times if i go anywhere near him even for a hug he says 'your always buggin me, what you want' like i'd be after sex of him, i don't think so. But when he wants it he has to have it and want take no for a answer. When i say put a condom on he goes'i will' but just puts it in anyway. I say moving him out of me 'put one on' and he goes 'ok' but just puts it back in a carries on. How can i make him wear one? And i don't enjoy sex, i can get turned on and wet but as soon as it's going to sex i go completly dry. When he's done he just gets up and goes watch tv or something. We never seem to talk anyway. I have never had great or even good sex. Is it always this boring, is there something wrong with me or when the right man comes along will he 'blow my mind' or is sex never like they show on films?

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EmpowHER Guest

The relationship must of been good in the begining, i just can't remember them. Now it's not. I live with him, i don't work and don't have any friends really. The last friend i had that used to come round he'd pick at her and she hates him. He can go out whenever he wants, i can't. All i do each day is stay in looking at the four walls. I would love to have friends and my own place but at the moment i can't do it. I'm scared to go to work or out talking to strangers, i really would'nt cope.
I was'nt always like this, i used to have lots of friends, go out round clubs, but it's all changed.
I am scared that in 10 years time nothing would of changed and this will still be my life.

November 2, 2009 - 4:55pm
(reply to Anonymous)


I am very concerned, both about your original question and your updates. From what you say, you are with a controlling, abusive man. And your fears are keeping you with him.

Why are you scared to go to work, or talk to a stranger? Can you talk a little more about that?

Controlling partners want control of everything. They get angry at little things and at big things. They want to isolate you -- because they know their behavior is not acceptable out in the world. They dont' want you to have friends, because the friends may influence you. They dont' want you in the working world because they are afraid it will make you more independent. And they always control the home -- everything from what they want for dinner to how the sex life is.

Has he ever hit you, Anon? Does he call you names?

I sense that you are a smart and thoughtful person. You clearly know that it's not right to be treated like this, but you aren't sure what to do. If you knew you could leave him, would you? There are plenty of places that will help a woman in an abusive situation. We would be so happy to help you find places that will help you find a safe place, find a job and take some small steps toward a life of your own.

Where are you (city and state)? I would be glad to give you some names and numbers of places in your area.

Here is one EmpowHer page on domestic abuse and how to recognize it in different stages (it usually escalates over time):


And here is some more information originally written by another one of our EmpowHer guides, Susan C:

Help Guide.org has a list of signs and symptoms of domestic violence. You can read them all here: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_caus...

Nobody deserves to be mistreated, verbally abused, intimidated, threatened or hit - for any reason. For ANY reason! It is not normal, it is not a part of life we just have to live with and there is help for everyone - including children. We need to be aware that adults who batter other adults in the home are also far more likely to batter children. Children are not 'better off' remaining in in-tact homes where there is violence. They are likely to become victims themselves or repeat the violence they witness. We need to end the cycle.

If you need help, or know someone who does, here is further information:

The National Domestic Violence Helpline -
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

This toll free number is available in all 50 states with translation available and help is offered for both men and women. Visit their website here: http://www.ndvh.org/

The Feminist Majority Foundation offers a detailed list of shelters, hotlines, networks and phone numbers in all 50 states. You can find all this here: www.feminist.org/911/crisis.html

Anon, please write back, tell us a little more about why you are scared to work or to go out?

November 4, 2009 - 8:31am
EmpowHER Guest

I feel like i don't have any power over the situation yes, i don't know why. When he wants it he'll just carry on trying to do it anyway whatever i say. If i did say no properly and walked away i don't think he'd force himself, but he would sulk and moan and it's just not worth it. I don't need another reason for him to have a go at me. Although i would really hate it if i did get pregnant with him, because i don't think he'd be a good father, wants everything his way. If he wont use condoms i'll go on the pill or injection

November 2, 2009 - 4:46pm

Can you explain more what you mean by, "he won't take 'no' for an answer"? If he is asking/demanding sex, and you say "no"...and he "puts it in anyways" as you say... this is a form of abuse, and is very concerning to me. Abuse does not have to be like it is in the movies, either...it can be subtle but does not make you feel like you have any power or control over yourself or the situation. Is this how you feel?

October 29, 2009 - 2:08pm
HERWriter Guide

Dear Anon

I agree with Rosa.

It does not sound like you and your boyfriend are a good match. It's not your fault - you two are simply not a good match. It happens. And you will find someone who IS a match with you and it'll be a lot better, I promise!

Sex in the movies is not as it seems. It's very unsexy for the actors and very cold and uncomfortable and sometimes embarrassing. It's the camera angles and editing that makes it look good.

You can't force your boyfriend to use a condom but you can force yourself to walk away anytime he refuses. Any man who refuses to use a condom (they don't fit! I'm too big (yeah, sure!)) is not worth another second of your time. Trust me on this. I wish I had someone to tell me that when I was younger. It's sex with a condom or no sex at all.

If your relationship has never been good or healthy or happy, why are you staying? Do you think you won't find anyone else or that you have to be in a relationship to be happy? You've proven the latter wrong, for sure, so it's time to take a deep breath, reevaluate why you are remaining with a man who doesn't seem to love you much, and that you don't seem to love so much and free yourself up to be available to a man who treats you with respect, loves you and will be both a great lover and friend.

Movies aside, it's very possible, but not if you are stuck in a relationship that doesn't sound like it should have gone past a few dates.

Thank you so much for finding Empowher and we wish you the very best - we hope to hear more from you!

October 28, 2009 - 1:46pm

Dear anon, thanks for your question and welcome to EmpowHer.

I am sorry to say that your boyfriend is simply using you as a means to fulfill his own needs. Meaning: he is only having sex with you to fill an urge when he gets horny. Are you on birth control pills? If not, I would strongly suggest being very stern about not having sex without condoms, otherwise, what will happen if you get pregnant?

I hate to bring this up but it does seem that you do not enjoy sex for two reasons: He doesn't respect your decision to wear a condom and there is no passion in the sex because of his selfishness and lack of emotion.
No, sex is not like in the movies but it should be pleasurable for both you and him-- not one-sided. Usually in the beginning of a relationship, the sex is fantastic then it may fizzle a little after a few years but you pointed out that it has never been great. It may be time to move on. Not just because of the sex but because, based on what you wrote, it seems as though the love and passion is gone.

Please keep us posted and good luck to you.

October 28, 2009 - 5:28am
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