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Sexual questions

By September 4, 2009 - 9:44am
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How can I get the guts to "jump my man's bones"? My boyfriend wants me to take the initiative when it comes to sex and I seem to have problems doing that. I can envision it, dream about it, and want to do just that, but when I'm with him, I just freeze. Why?
I also really want to be on top positions and can't seem to make myself get on top. My boyfriend has let me be on top a couple of times but because I don't know how to move on top, he stays on top or we do it from the back or the side. He doesn't seem to want to help me learn how to move on top and just tells me that I have to just "feel it", but he never leaves me on top long enough to do just that. Anyone have any suggestions on how I can learn how to move on top?

Another issue that I am having is I barely ever come during sex. I can come when I masturbate or when my boyfriend is fingering my clit but that's about it. Some times I have problems just relaxing and allowing myself to come and then other times I am relaxed but yet I still do not come. Can anyone tell me what's wrong with me and why I am having these problems. This has been ongoing.

Oh and another issue and I saw where someone else had a similar question or issue. I have problems performing oral sex as well. My mouth begins to hurt when I am performing oral sex. His penis isn't that large but yet after a certain length of time my mouth begins to hurt and I don't have to be performing oral sex for very long. It also seems as if I don't do it right or something. I also wonder about him. I can be performing oral sex on him and he can become erect or he can already be erect and I can be performing oral sex on him but he can lose his erect penis. Is it me or him?

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EmpowHER Guest

Hi my girl friend's name is Mina,every time we make a date together,she invites me to her celibacy home ;
several dating times,she tied my hands and abuse me with a "straped cock" hard,now, i cannot sit on the chair as well.
can you help me ?

April 9, 2012 - 10:40am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon!

I'm not sure what you are looking for. If you feel your girlfriend is abusing you, stop going on dates with her. If you need medical help, please see your doctor.



April 9, 2012 - 11:01am
EmpowHER Guest

Thanks for the information that you shared. I am sure you may be able to help a lot of women that are experiencing the same issues.

I have a great experiment for you that I would like you to try. This may seem crazy and you may feel a little uncomfortable at first but try to do this. I read a book about this very issue before about sexual relationships and I thought this was a good thing for you to try when I read your story.

You say that you both undress yourselves and you are looking for more foreplay in your relationship. Try this. For the next 7 days, initiate sex with him. I don’t care if you’re tired from the kids going nuts, the job driving you crazy, etc. Make time to have sex every night with him. (I am hoping that you live together or that you see each other daily). If not, every time you see him, try this.

Okay, so you undress yourselves….the first time you get the chance, buy yourself something sexy to wear and flaunt it around him without going into the bedroom. Make yourself eye candy so that he does not want to keep his hands and eyes off of you. Wear this while making him dinner and make it a point to rub up against him, flirt with your body and bend over seductively to show what your cute outfit is hiding from time to time.

If he grabs you in the ‘sweet spots’, stop him and grab his hands and show him what your looking for, force his hands to hold you, or make him rub his hands across your face. All of this will work since in the end, he knows that sex is the outcome. This will become hot and heavy….and you both have your clothes on. When you are ready for the sexual portion, move to the bedroom but make sure he does not unclothe himself and you take control by either jumping on top of him (with your cute outfit on) and again, show him what you want him to do.

If the man is really interested in you long term, he wants to know what turns you on. Try to stay away from telling him, “I need to talk”, because men fear those words. The best way to talk to a man about what you like sexually is while in the act, tell him what to do. He will catch on and do it more often if he cares about you. A man that cares about you, will ultimately try everything in his arsenal to make you happy, even cuddle…ha ha, although, they may not do it as often as we like.

Try to take control of the situation for six days (doing different things everyday) and on the seventh day, have go to the bedroom and take your own clothes off as your usual sexual sessions and see what happens. You may be surprised.

September 5, 2009 - 10:34am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I wonder if there are others who are experiencing what I am. I've never spoken about sexual stuff in detail with friends because we tend not to go there. One friend I have we can talk about sex stuff here and there but being more detailed about it, we just hadn't gone there. I hope that sharing my story, can help other women. I always felt like I was alone with this, but in actuality some of my issues are normal and many other women have the same issue. Of course I still have yet to run into some one who can't initiate sex or just kind of take over without thinking. I never really thought as myself sharing a story but just asking for help. But maybe more may stand up and speak out.

WoW! miscortes. :-) That was very detailed and you know what? That is somewhat what I have been thinking about and wanting. WoW! That was HOT and HEAVY!

Now, I am not married and me and my boyfriend do not live together. We do not see each as much as I would like because he travels out of town to attend school and by the time he get's back he needs to go to work. Now he has a few days off this semester when he does not have to go to school, but he works everyday in the afternoon. I will be interning very soon which is going to make it even harder for us to see each other and once basketball is back in season, oh wow! We may not have quality time together at all. Anyway, he is out of town with family this weekend. I think what I will do, is to find something new, that's sexy, and I believe he will like. I tell you, though, dressing up for him is sssssooooooooo much fun. :-) Really FUN! I mean his eyes get huge and bright eyed and he can barely talk. It's a huuuuuuugee turn on. With this outfit,I will tease him a little. You can look but can't touch, but if I do allow you to touch, I have to make sure that you touch me in the right spots (right?). Now should this be lingerie or regular clothes that are revealing or maybe even both?
I am going to have to loosen up and relax with this as well. Even though I am confident about my body and know that he loves my body, sometimes I can feel a little shy about some of the things I wear. I think this comes from my mom. Anytime I would wear something sexy out of the home, "You can't wear that, that is too revealing" You dressed like a slut or a prostitute". When you hear these comments so much throughout your life when you do dress sexy you feel kind of guarded, you know. But I love sexy clothes and lingerie especially behind closed doors and I know that I can play that sexy, seductive role, if I don't think too much about it.

I can't waaaaaaaaiiiiiiiit To try this! This is exciting! And this way, I don't have to talk, talk about the issue, I can just show him. The problem is getting over this performance anxiety issue. But I am use to wearing sexy lingerie and clothing around him, so if I can add the other, I will be on the ball.

I will definitely let you know how this experiment works. Most definitely. It will probably be Tuesday, Thursday, or Friday that I will be able to do this, but I will let you all know how it goes. And by the way... I got a man who loves to cuddle. He loves to be held and loves to hold me. We do this alot. Sometimes, he likes for me to come over so I can hold him until he goes to sleep. I'm sure there aren't too many men out there like that.

Thanks. :-)

September 5, 2009 - 1:30pm
HERWriter Guide

Hi again!

Thanks for your update. I think the answer to lessening your anxiety is doing as suggested - talking to your boyfriend more, employing more foreplay and taking lots of time. If an ex partner said damaging things to you about your sexual performance, even once, it can take a long, long time to recover from that.

It's funny the way we can sometimes brush a compliment aside but an insult takes a long time to get over. That's how we work - we often focus on the negative, instead of the positive.

In terms of sexuality, we also tend to be very self-reflective. If our partner loses an erection - it must be something we did! If we cannot orgasm, it's our wrongdoing, not his! And the fact is that often, nothing is "wrong" or "right".

Some women suffer from sexual dysfunction, like men do (theirs is called erectile dysfunction). Women with this condition often have a medical reason for it. I'm not diagnosing you but it doesn't seem like you have a medical issue. It seems based in your mind - your lack of confidence and your memories of a former partner being abusive to you. And when the mind is filled with anxiety, the body will be too.

With regard to trying to copy porn stars - don't even try! It's all smoke and mirrors and they are all acting. If you were on the set, actually seeing the movies being made, it's very clinical and non-sexy. While some of these actors say they really love doing porn, for most it's just a job - they are acting and later on, many will say they hated doing it - felt empty inside, and used. I'm not saying porn is a bad thing, or bad to watch. That's your own freedom and choice to do that and it's nobody's business to tell anyone what they can and cannot use or watch, in terms of erotica. I'm just hoping you understand that these women do it for a living and that it's not real like it seems. Also remember that there is no love, compassion or warmth in these movies. They are strictly for sex and have no correlation to a real, monogamous relationship. It's purely functional!

Please don't feel bad about yourself when it comes to sex. I know that's easy for me to say but do realize that we all wonder, at one time or another, if we're doing things the way we should or if we're "good in bed". Men worry about it all the time! Sex is natural - what is not so natural is the fantasy we have created that we all have to look amazing, be beyond amazing in bed and that sex is out of this world like you see in the movies each and every time. This isn't how it works. And this is why we like movies - it's unreal and pure escapism!

Do you know that a 60 second love scene can take two days to make? This is because it takes that long to fake it all and make it look Hollywood perfect!

The sexiest thing you can do is just be you. Tell your boyfriend, as we talked about before, that you need more time in certain positions.

One suggestion I have for you is to stop having intercourse for a week. Only have foreplay. By doing this you can concentrate on when you need to concentrate and not worry about the intercourse part. And it'll make it all the more exciting when you get to have full sex again. Try that out - I think it might help. Your boyfriend can help you along with this, I'm sure he won't object if the goal is to improve things all round.

Also, take long baths and dim lights - that might help. Breath in and out slowly - learn to relax.

I hope this helps you out - please don't think you are any different to anyone else. I bet you are a wonderful lover, but somewhere down the line you lost your self-confidence and are overly concerned with how you are perceived in bed. You can get your confidence back if you have a loving partner (and it seems like you do) and time.

September 5, 2009 - 4:48am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

Thank you for being so considerate and caring. Like I said, all of this is new to me as far as stating something sooooo personal and something that I have been concerned with for such a long time. I never thought that I could have a normal sex life. I think about how my son was conceived and I think that I was crying that day. I don't know how I could have allowed myself to be in that Up and Down and just plain old CRAZY relationship. It's unreal. But one thing my now boyfriend will do is to listen to me. If I say to stop or wait, he listens to me and stops or slows down. My previous boyfriend did not, he would tell me to shut up and keep on going. Sometimes my vagina would be swollen and dry and just hurting. It would take the rest of the day if not until the next day for it to go back to normal. I never have this problem with my now boyfriend and he's not rough either. He's very gentle, but never participates in foreplay. It's weird to me. He will perform oral sex, but no foreplay. One time we did have a conversation a few months back and we were talking about nursing and he made a little joke and I told him that he didn't suck them as much I would have liked him to. He was thinking he did and I told him he didn't. So he began to do a little more of that. So he does listen, but of course he has stopped that again and still goes straight for the "hole". Another thing that I don't like is that we take off our own clothes and jump in the bed. I like to be kissing and taking off each others clothes. I think that I like that spontaneous sex. One time we did just that and the sex was really good, but that hasn't happened since. Sex seems to be planned with us. Although, just recently, I surprised him. He had to take a neighbor to work and while he was gone I decided that I would get naked and lay in his bed. So when he got back, he would be surprised and he was. I told him, "you said you wanted me to take the initiative".

I am not very fond of erotica. I will only use it to either figure how to move my body or if I am just "horney" and want to turn myself on. I don't get to see my boyfriend as often as I would like to and once basketball season begins and I begin working, who knows when we will see each other. I realized that I didn't care to much for it when my previous boyfriend was so hooked on it. Anytime we had sex the x-videos were on and he was beginning to act like the men in the videos and wanting me to be more like the women and I just started just staying away from him when he was watching the tapes. I even told him that I believed he was addicted to the tapes but he didn't care.

I never knew that it took such a long time to make x-rated videos. I actually thought (I guess you are going to think I am naive) those tapes were real, that they were actually having sex. Well some things I see they are actually putting the penis in the vagina and actually performing oral sex. Sometimes, like I said, I use these tapes as a learning tool. I think like you said it is best to just learn from your partner. I think that I just be wanting everything to be sooooo perfect and I want him to be pleased as much as me. You know even that sound that comes from the vagina that sounds like you passing gas can bother me. When I first heard that sound I thought, "what the hell" What's going on? Of course I had to go look that information up and find out why my vagina was sounding that way. My understanding is that air is getting into the vagina, is that true?

He talks about how beautiful my body is and how sexy I am and he always ask if I come and how I enjoyed myself. He always wants me to have come even if he hasn't.

I am so glad to know that I do not have any kind of sexual dysfunction because I have always felt that I had. I just always felt like I was not good enough for my x when it came to the bedroom.

I will inform my boyfriend that I need more time in certain positions. Now I can't imagine having foreplay for a week with no sex. That's almost like teasing a man. Heck that is like teasing me. :-) But I will get him to try it. I remember when we first starting having sex, I performed foreplay on him, by kissing him all over his body and performing oral sex, but he didn't do the same with me. He may have performed oral sex but that was it. Do some men not like foreplay? I do think though if we added foreplay, I would feel more comfortable with sex and with us, it would be more intimate, more seductive, it would be the real "making love" He says that he likes to make love, but to me, a lot of love making is the foreplay and when that is cut out, I feel like we are just having sex, even when we do love each other. I hope that makes sense.

Are you telling me to take a bath by myself or with my partner? I need something to help me relax. We can lay in the bed together naked and my mind is running about oh, I want to kiss him or touch him here or there, but I can't move. I'm thinking should I move, should I get on top, is now the time, but then he will get my hand and place it on his penis and I think, I wanted to do that without you placing my hand there. I just want to get out of this thinking mode into this just doing mode. I am hoping through foreplay I can achieve this. I just can't stand that I am this way, it makes no sense to me. I am just over thinking stuff instead of just "doing".

I will try to relax, add foreplay to my relationship, and try to believe in myself and have more confidence in myself. My now boyfriend has stated to me that I have a confidence problem, so I will work on that.

Thank you so much for helping me and answering my questions. I may be able for once in my life be able to get out of this funk that I am in with sex.

September 5, 2009 - 10:02am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Just to clarify, a "love scene" can take a day or two. In terms of porn, I believe you can crank out an entire movie in a day - that's a wham-bam thing and yes, it's real sex but they couldn't be described as "love scenes" as there's not a whole lot of love going on!

Also, when I was talking about "dysfunction" I meant it in a medical way like a hormonal or thyroid imbalance. If you don't ultimately feel better about things you might want to consider counseling that will help you move on from past abuse.

We wish you the best!

September 5, 2009 - 11:51am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

Thanks. I think that I can use your suggestions and be able to move on. I have a very loving boyfriend and I think if I sit down and talk with him about my issue, he will help me. He knows a little about my past relationship and he also knows that it wasn't a good one, so I think he will be understanding. But if things don't ever feel better for me, then I will seek counseling.

Thanks again! :-) susanc

September 5, 2009 - 12:59pm
HERWriter Guide


Welcome to Empowher!

It seems like you have a lot of performance anxiety in the bedroom. In terms of learning sexual positions, we're not in a position (pun intended!) to "teach" anyone sexual positions, it's something you will work out with your partner.

You said "He doesn't seem to want to help me learn how to move on top and just tells me that I have to just "feel it", but he never leaves me on top long enough to do just that." This may be where your problem lies. More patience is needed and make things more fun - there is no clock and no time-line - you're in no hurry! Being rushed off like that is not only unhelpful but will do harm to your enjoyment, your abilities and your confidence. Tell him you need more time.

With regard to not reaching orgasm during intercourse - more women achieve orgasm during foreplay or oral sex, not intercourse so don't feel that it's not "normal" - it's actually very normal! Don't force the issue - there is no need to be able to do everything in every way and during every position. Sex and sexuality doesn't work like that. Women (or men) are not a once-size-fits-all entities.

With regard to your mouth becoming sore after a while (in terms of oral sex) - this is also very normal. It's going to happen to anyone and penis size isn't the issue. Everyone performing oral sex on a man gets a tired jaw.

To another concern of yours - a man's erection changes during the course of sex and foreplay - he doesn't always stay the same the whole way through. Again, normal.

When you say you don't think you're "doing it right" I'm wondering why you think this and I think it's connected to your other concerns. To me it seems like you have seen sex scenes on TV or in movies (whether it's R or X rated) and think that it's really like that in real life. Or you are reading erotica and think that you are not quite as "good" as the characters portrayed. Do you read erotica or watch it? If so, you may have a false sense of what sex is like.

To answer your question about whether the problem is you or him - it's not you OR him. It's sex. Sex is hot and sexy - and messy and tiring, and sweaty and wonderful and dirty (in a good way as well as sometimes a bad one!) and it's really fast and over in 2 minutes flat or it can last a lot longer. It's sometimes really good and other times it's moderately good or even a bit boring. That's real sex. I am wondering if you have some kind of unrealistic standard of how you are "supposed" to be like or how you "should" be able to perform? You seem very hard on yourself. Have you been criticized or put down by a man or former partner?

All the things you think are wrong with you are not wrong! They are normal. No-one is a perfect lover all the time (no matter what anyone says) and everyone needs time and patience to get to their particular level of comfort.

I think you don't have the "guts to jump" your man's bones because you think you are doing it all wrong. You are not - you just need more time to feel out what feels right and good to you. Tell your partner this and spend time fooling around with no expectation of flashing lights or screaming your head off with joy! And in time, it'll happen. Like anything, it takes practice to get better with things and to feel more comfortable.

Another thing to remember is that some position just don't work for some people. Some people love a certain position and others hate it. We don't have to be experts in every sexual position, it's very normal to be "better" (for want of a better term) or prefer one way over another.

I hope this helps you, even a little. Please don't think you're not good at something or are doing something wrong. This isn't the case - be kind to yourself and realize that sex isn't something to be graded on - it's always a work in progress!

Keep us posted, will you?

September 4, 2009 - 12:03pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

I just want to say, thanks so much for replying to my question. You don't know how much it means to me for you to respond. I have never spoken of this issue ever and have always been feeling like I'm doing something wrong in the bedroom. I think too much and I try to enjoy it but sometimes my mind just keeps running about is this right, is he enjoying this, am I sucking right or am I holding it right, and this and that and on and on. Sometimes it just drives me crazy! And even if he suggest something or tells me to do this like that, I get kind of upset because once again, it adds on to the fact that I am not doing something right.

You did nail something about me! A previous boyfriend of mine, dogged me out in the bedroom. It was awful! Looks like nothing I did was right, everything was wrong, and towards the end of our relationship, he began to get rough with me and was telling me to shut up and everything. You mentioned X-rated video. It wasn't me who was addicted to it, but my x-partner. Once he got addicted to it, this is when the sex got worse and I felt worse and I think then, I may have been trying to be like the women in the videos. I even tried to see if I could move like them when they were on top, but later gave up on that. I also used the videos to see how to perform oral sex. So you may be right about that as well...maybe I do try to be like the women in the x-rated videos.

Another issue that I had with my previous partner was something I know had to be abnormal. My previous partner was my first, so of course, I have only been with two guys during my lifetime. I don't even remember my first time because I had so many problems with sex. It was very difficult to get the penis in and it hurt like hell, so I'm not sure when it was ever placed inside the vagina for the first time. Anyhow, once we got going with that, during sex, I would want him to stop. He believed that when I was getting ready to climax, that is when I wanted him off. I don't know why, I wanted him off, but after a certain length of time the motion or something was no longer tolerable for me especially when he was on top, so it would be like we were fighting and this was ongoing. This was the top position, when he would be on top and that position hurt and I wanted him off at a certain point and we fought. It was like I had to fight him off. If we did it from the back, after a certain point, I laid down and would say that's enough, but I guess because he didn't come and he felt like I was trying to avoid coming he would continue. I don't know. Sometimes I liked sex back then, but the majority of the time I hated it. So by the time I began seeing someone else, years later, I didn't think that I could have a normal sex life. And before I actually had sex with my now partner, I almost spoke of my past issue with sex, but I thought that maybe I wouldn't have to, that maybe things would be different and plus, I have had a child since then, so maybe my opening may be a little larger and maybe I can withstand a little more. And that is just what happened. My first sexual encounter with my now boyfriend was GREAT and get this, it was with him being on top. I had no problems and it felt GREAT and I had no pain. Of course my now boyfriend penis is smaller, so I don't know if that had anything to do with it. Plus he was very gently, very considerate, and basically very soft and smooth and took his time. I must have said a little something about my previous relationship with him, especially when it came to the bedroom because I will never forget him telling me, "See, I was very gently, took my time, and I bet you your previous boyfriend never did that" And I think that is exactly what happened with my previous boyfriend. Seemed like everything was forced or something.

As for the other things that you stated in your reply. I will definitely tell my boyfriend that I need more time on top. I asked him one time why did he take me off top so quickly and he told me that I was stiff, so I asked him to help me and that is when he told me that I just have to feel it and he even told me to look at some flicks. I would think a man could help me with my movement. He could help me move in a way that will please him and I can adjust myself to move in a way that can please me as well. One time I was on top and it felt good, but he moved me before I can really get into the motion of things. I think his favorite position is him being on top and that is what he sticks to mostly. Just recently we have switch to the back position or to the side. i just don't want him doing all the work all the time and he seems exhausted afterwards. I want to take some of that off of him. Plus he has back problems, so all that lower abdominal work can cause his back to hurt.

You are right about me having performance anxiety. I actually caught on to that just recently when I saw Oprah. They were having a discussion about sex and they said something that make me think and that is when I realized that I may have a performance issue in the bedroom. I think there may be many reasons for this. The way sex was portrayed to me in my family as wrong, dirty, and filthy, painful, and should not be done before marriage. In addition to this, the issue I had with my previous boyfriend didn't help either. How can I shake off this anxiety. I swear, sometimes I could just push my boyfriend against the wall and do all kinds of stuff, but when I see him, all that stuff is still on m mind, but I can't get myself to do what I'm thinking. It's so weird to me. I can envision and dream of all these different things I want to do to him and with him, but when I'm with him, I can't do anything. He has even told me that he would like me to take the initiative but I can't ever do it. I always freeze even when I tell him I want some, I rarely even start the kissing or touching, he does. Speaking of all this, you mentioned foreplay. Now, I am going to have to sit down with him and really discuss this issue. This is something that he does not do at all and I want some of that so badly. He is so about just going for the "hole". I be wanting to be kissed and touched and caressed and everything. I sometimes tell him like recently, I am not ready for you to put it in, but if he puts his fingers down there and I'm the least bit moist, he says, you're wet and places it inside, which sometimes hurts just a little and I guess because I don't really be ready. Now he will perform oral sex and that is TERRIFIC! I mean really GREAT! I will never pass that over because if he is good at anything in the bedroom it is that, but I want more with that. I want to be kissed all over and touched and played with a little. We never have foreplay. I mentioned it to him one time and he said what do you mean and I said why don't you do a lot of kissing and stuff, but I don't remember what was ever said about that. I love foreplay and we have none of that, just oral sex and popping it in.

I am so HAPPY to hear that I am not the only women who does not come during sex. He would always ask me if I came during sex and I said no and one time he asked me, why don't you ever come during sex and I thought, I don't know. It's rare. I can come when I masturbate for sure, but I don't even come the majority of the time when he is touching my clict or licking it for that matter. Now that also has something to do with anxiety. Sometimes, I can't seem to let myself go or relax enough to come. Like I said, my mind is sometimes running and wont shut down but I do come during that time.

I am also am glad to know that I am not the only person having problems with oral sex. I have no problem performing it and want to please my man, but I tell you, it can sometimes hurt and I thought if the penis was much smaller it wouldn't hurt as badly but it does, so you're right about the size not being an issue.

I am glad to hear that a man's erection changes. I thought maybe something was wrong with my boyfriend or maybe even me. I mean we can be in the middle of sex and he can lose his erection. I can be performing oral sex on him and he can lose his erection which I felt was weird, but if all that is normal, then hey, I guess we are cool then.

Thanks again for your reply. You made some really good suggestions and told me some very important things that I didn't know anything about. I have been feeling so badly about myself when it comes to closed doors and I want so much for those things to change and I want to be able to just "jump" my boyfriend without thinking twice about it. You have any idea how I can get rid of this anxiety? I will definitely talk more to my partner about being on top and giving me more time and more importantly talking to him about foreplay. I think that if we did take the time to have more foreplay I would be even closer to him when it came to sex and maybe even feel more comfortable initiating sex and feeling free to do more.
Thanks again! :-)

September 4, 2009 - 3:59pm
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