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should I be leary about marring my boyfriend who is a claimed 30year old virgin by religeous choice, yet has issues with fantasies about boundage, gag, and rape?

By Anonymous January 28, 2011 - 11:53am
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Hi Anon

Thanks for your question and welcome!

I think your question is far more of a statement than a question and that you may know the answer already? Perhaps you need some validation and we're here to help!

Male fantasies about mutually consented bondage are normal. Women have them too. I know these fantasies sound very odd but they are not necessarily unhealthy. They are called fantasies because they are FANTASTICAL - meaning they don't happen! But bondage in a relationships isn't bad either as long as everything is mutually consented to.

And many men and women have a certain kind of fantasy where they are very attracted to the other person but won't admit it/fight it but then are pretty much "kissed into (consented) submission). Again, this is normal.

But for some fantasies, you need to be careful. Men who fantasize about actually raping a woman have mental health problems. By definition, rape is a brutal and vicious attack on a woman in order to hurt her, humiliate her and control her. It has little or nothing to do with sex. So any man who gets off on these fantasies needs help, not marriage.

What concerns me most is that he's a 30 year old virgin for religious reasons yet tells you about his rape fantasies? What kind of religion is he in? No one that I've heard of.

My advice is to tread very carefully about this man. He does not sound "religious" to me and for someone to claim virginity through virtue, but yet feel the need to tell the woman he loves about his rape fantasies is a glaring red flag. One just doesn't go along with the other so something is amiss here. I can't tell you whether to marry him or not but I will tell you to step back for a long time. I think by posting your question, you may already know this. When that voice inside you tells you there is trouble ahead, listen to her.

I hope this helps and I hope to hear back from you,

January 28, 2011 - 2:42pm
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