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what is going on?

By August 29, 2011 - 8:52am
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My fiance and i have been together for almost 3 years now. We have a 5 year old boy and a 1 year old daughter. We moved from one state to another for him to get this amazing job. Which he did get. He does work a lot. He has been there for about 3 months now. But within this past week 2 female coworkers of his has tried to friend me on facebook. I do not friend anyone that I do not know so i didn't friend them. I am not jealous or being a bitch about it, but I don't understand why they would do that. Well my fiance and I went out for a few drinks and this girl was there and she wanted to go home with us for you know what. I am NOT into that at all. He has done one before not with me but he talks about doing it again, this time with me. I do not want to. but now our sex has gone down from 1 or 2 times a week (2 kids = tired) to 1 time every 2.5 weeks. but he expects oral all the time i mean like 3 times a week. when i mention that i want some he says he is tired. soon i get frustrated and say "you obviously dont want to have sex with me" and then since he got his feelings hurt he says "do something to deserve it" now i know that he doesnt mean it that way. when he gets hurt he hurts back. is he cheating on me? does he not want to be with me? help ! i am getting married in oct of this year. i need this fixed!!

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I completely agree with you. But he is weird when it comes to that. He gets his feelings hurt very easily. When I talk about it, he feels like i dont like our sex or he isnt doing a good enough job. I dont know but it is vedry hard to talk to him about that stuff. the only way that i can is if i text him while he is gone so it wont turn into a fight. which 75% of time ends up happening. i love him with all of me and i dont want to leave him. he is my soul mate. he is just very complicated.

August 29, 2011 - 9:54am
HERWriter Guide (reply to summerp)

Hi summerp!

Are you sure he gets his feelings hurt easily or does he just say that to manipulate you into not bothering him about stuff he doesn't want to acknowledge or talk about?

Terms like "soul-mate" aren't real - they are more often from movies and books. We generally meet who we end up with due to where we work/went to school/live/via friends. So our partners are made via where we live and what we do, rather than some kind of stars-aligning kind of thing. Don't let that expression force you into thinking that he is the only man for you. He may be, he may not be.

If the only way you can communicate is via text, your relationship is in big trouble. How are you going to start married life this way?

Think very carefully about this seemingly "smaller" stuff before you get married because it will only get bigger later on. And again, I think his "hurt feelings" are merely a ploy to get away with not talking to you.

I know this sounds a bit rough to hear (and I am not saying to break up or anything close to that) but take some experienced people's views and just have a little listen.

Also, some couples therapy would be excellent before you marry. What are your expectations (from both of you)? Things like suggesting threesomes to someone who is clearly not interested shows monogamy is not his style so just have a good think about things before you commit in October. Right now you have no legal commitments and no children so YOUR needs need to come first! Once you marry, there is far more "we" than "me"!


August 29, 2011 - 11:29am

That clears up a lot then-- disregard what I said about your fiance and his co-workers. It seems like your issue is the fact that you aren't sure if your fiance is cheating on you or not and that, like I said, isn't up to me to decide. However, you still should address the immature "tit for tat" behavior that is going on-- if you don't give him oral, he won't either. You are both adults and should be able to sit down and have a conversation about your sex life.


August 29, 2011 - 9:32am

Hi SummerP,

Thanks for your question. Being "Friended" on facebook by female co-workers of your fiance isn't really unusual-- Lots of people will friend boyfriends/girlfriends/wives of a person that they know or work with. What's odd is that one of them would even get the idea that she MAY have come home with you two the night she saw you. My thought is that your fiance and her may have already talked about this before--whether it was at work or at some other time. I meet couples all the time and under no circumstance do I ever feel like they want to have threesomes with me nor do I feel like I want to have a threesome with them-- know what I mean? Did you guys talk about this over drinks that night?

As far as your sex life, this could very well have something to do with it. He could be let down by the fact that you're not up for sex with him and a stranger-- don't be afraid to stand up for what you believe in. Now is the time to decide if this is the guy you want to marry. Quite frankly, sex isn't a reward-- so, I don't quite understand what he is asking you to "earn". It seems to me like you are not on the same page and it needs to be addressed with honesty so that he knows what you want and you know what he wants. Whether or not he is cheating on you is not for me to say but you are a woman-- always follow your intuition.

Good Luck,


August 29, 2011 - 9:05am
(reply to Rosa Cabrera RN)

i am sorry i think that i wrote it wrong. the girl up at the bar was not a coworker, she was a stranger to us that we sparked up a convo with her since she was alone.

August 29, 2011 - 9:25am
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