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What should I do if my boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with me?

By October 10, 2009 - 3:09pm
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My 62-year old boyfriend & I have been dating for just over 3 years. At the beginning of our relationship, the sex was fairly regular. We were first basically attracted because of similar spirituality views. He started attending my church. Our church would have breaks after the sermons and he would go talk to mainly other single women. After I felt puzzled and estranged from him by his actions, I asked him if he wanted to have a monogamous, committed relationship. He said yes. He then had a very flirtatious episode with one of those single women. One time, we were at church camp, and they hugged and she held on to his hand and then let it go in a dramatic fling, as if to say, “until we meet again.” Then another time when we were in the discussion circle, this woman was sitting to my right, and he was to my left, then they both crossed their legs in front of me and started mirroring each other’s leg movements. This made me extremely uncomfortable. Next he kept visiting another lady who owned a spirituality store in our city. It ended up that she lived in an apartment right behind him. Then he joined a martial arts class that she was going to be in. I decided to join that, too. It turned out to be good for me, too, though! Then a different lady who turned out to be a friend of a couple friend of ours opened another store in our town. My boyfriend ended up spending a couple of weeks or more going to her store every day. Each of these times I questioned him about his actions and he always said they were nothing and nothing was going on. Two of the ladies moved away. He no longer goes to the store of the last of the lady still in our town, as far as I know. He is from a very conservative Catholic background. After we were together for six months, he said, “Okay, that’s it. This sex stuff is over,” or something to that effect. I really don’t think I understood what he was saying when he said that to me at that time. I think I thought he was joking. He's on antidepressant meds, and claims he has no sex drive except for maybe once every 2 months and he suffers from erectile dysfunction, and has started taking testosterone for that now for about 4-5 months. However, our sex life is still basically non-existent. And if we do have it once every couple a months, it's only for me. He has never had an orgasm with me. I'm 54 and I have a formidable sex drive. Then just over a year ago my 65 year old ex-best-girlfriend’s husband died. They were our couple friends. I think a couple of months after our friend’s death, that my boyfriend may have started seeing his widow. I just was oblivious to the signs. Then for Valentines 2009, my boyfriend gave me a promise ring, and said he was giving it to me so I would know that he wants to marry me some day. Then later he said he wanted to do this also so he could wear some beautiful turquoise ring that he had bought for himself to make it took like he is a married man. I remained oblivious but somewhat suspicious of all the time they spent my boyfriend and best friend spent together at our local bookstore/coffeehouse from last November until this past July / August 2009 when my girlfriend started making a tremendous amount of competitive comments to me. These comments left me out as she seemingly tried to forge an alliance with my boyfriend through her comments. I found foods in my boyfriend's fridge that were foods she liked in particular that he never bought before our friend's death. I can't say for sure if their relationship was physical, or maybe it was only for her for a while, then they actually tried to do the act, (I think), & he found that her extreme heaviness was totally unacceptable. In July / August 2009 when my best friend started making all those competitive comments to me it blew everything out of the water. I called him on it & now he is staying away from her except for once in a while seeing her in the bookstore (as far as I can tell). My boyfriend was previously a salesman & he said that taught him how to meet anyone & not be afraid. He is an avid reader, thus his excuse for going to the bookstore & the library all the time. Recently, he's been heavily studying different religions, (which was kind of what attracted me to him in the 1st place). But now his sex excuse is that he believes he is not supposed to do it unless you are married. Any way, I don't think it is good to get married under these circumstances. (Boy, if that is not a catch-22!) However, his landlord is kicking him out of his little house apartment in 30 to 45 days, and we had been planning that he would move in with me some day. He has been unemployed since January 2009, and is going to go on Social Security early. Any way, I am thinking to let him move in. Probably only temporarily. I really don’t believe that he wants to move in with me. This would be to help him right now, and to also help me with the work that needs to be done on this ranch and house, and to help pay my mother (who owns the property) some money for utilities. Other than the lack of sex and the flirtations, he is loving, kind and helpful to me. He dislikes having too many discussions on our relationship and sex topics. I've been out of permanent, full-time work now for two years, now have no other friends, have a mentally-ill, disabled 32-year old son living with me, live in a very small town, & am trying to take care of my mother's 13-acre property & house which my boyfriend helps me with some. What should I do if my boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with me? (I get tired of doing it myself). Also, should I really allow him to move in under these circumstances? P.S. Since August '09 after everything blew out of the water, once day I had to take my brother to the airport and my boyfriend came with me. On the way back & an attractive young lady & her extremely young daughter got out of a car next to us, & he was so intent & distracted looking at them, he didn't even notice me handing him my purse so I could get into the car!

P.S. What kind of person is he, really?

Add a Comment3 Comments

Wow! Thanks for your very insightful response. Reading it when I got to the end, I felt I could suddenly breathe...I think this says something! It is a lot to process, and I will get back to you with updates on changes.

Thank you again so very much.

October 12, 2009 - 9:16am
(reply to Dae and night)

Dae and night,

I don't have anything to add to Susan's wonderful response to you, but I wanted to chime in and agree that regardless of the challenges, you deserve a man who respects you. It seems like he gets something that makes him feel good from his flirtations with other women, that it makes him feel attractive and successful. I wish that his definition of success had more to do with whether YOU are happy.

The fact that you could suddenly breathe after reading Susan's response tells me that you're a very intuitive person. Follow that gut. Deepak Chopra once said that there are only two signs in the universe -- yes or no -- and that by listening to our guts, we know which one is right for us. Listen to yours.

All the best. I'm rooting for you! And will be so interested when you write us again.

October 13, 2009 - 9:26am
HERWriter Guide

Hello Dae and Night -

Thanks so much for your post and for finding EmpowHer!

Your relationship with this man is complicated - with a lot of push-pull factors.

His push factors (towards you) are an obvious connection with you, based on your religion and your mutual interest in having a monogamous relationship.

His pull (away) factors are confusion based on his religious teachings that sex outside a marriage is wrong and his clear attraction toward other women. However, his actions show that he is prepared to have sex when he wants to, regardless of his faith. At the age of 62, we pretty much know what we want and don't want and what we believe in and don't believe in.

His flirting isn't much of a threat unless he follows through with action, but to be such an outrageous flirt right in front of you (knowing it bothers you) is disrespectful. And the foot/mirror game was kind of childish for a man his age although I suspect he may have been doing it to stir you up a bit.

He may also have a need for the constant attention from the opposite sex. Some people are like that - both male and female- as it gives them validation that they are still attractive and still able to play the game.

With regard to the ring situation, it's anyone's guess but to give you a promise ring (with the intent of it leading to an engagement ring) a mere 8 months ago and now back away so quickly leads me to believe he is not serious. Telling you he gave it to you as an excuse to get one himself in order to "look married" is just strange and I'm unable to make sense of it. I would have given the ring back.

So many women say that their man is wonderful - except when he's being difficult, estranged, cruel, distanced, unavailable....[insert your own descriptions here]. Well - of course that's true. The fact is there is too much unacceptable behavior to make the nice behavior worth it. Is the drama, the checking up on him, and all the wondering...worth it?

You know he has E.D. There are medications that can help with that but he seems more focused on the aspects of his religion that prevent sex outside of marriage. But his faith also says to treat his woman with dignity and respect and he's not really doing that either.

I want you to remember something - we cannot tailor our religious beliefs to suit our behavior - we must tailor our behavior to suit our beliefs. So he needs to walk the walk a bit more.

Should he move in with you? That's totally up to you. If it's temporary and you know for a fact that he'll help you as promised, then it may be the right thing for you. But he may also be using you for a place to stay until he can find his feet again. His promises thus far haven't come to anything. You are still not engaged and still not intimate, nor has he stopped the constant flirting. Make sure the arrangement is official. He only moves in on the condition that he earns his keep by maintaining your property. If your smart, you'll download a rental agreement and have him sign it. You may think that sounds crazy - he's your boyfriend, you care about each other, he's wonderful (when he isn't being distant and a bit manipulative) but once he's in, he may claim renters rights and if things go wrong, you need to have yourself protected. Right now, your allegiance is to you - not him. Protect yourself and your son first.

If he is taking anti-depressants then obviously he has depression in his life - and needs to be treated fairly and with compassion. But simultaneously, people with depression should not treat others badly, especially those who are good to him.

I don't know if I have clarified anything for you. You are a vibrant 50-something with a high sex drive and a busy life - good for you! Make sure the man you find appreciates this and doesn't shower you with empty promises, plays games with other women, nor uses his religious beliefs only when it suits him. That's unfair to everyone concerned.

I wish you the very best and please stay in touch, we'd love to see you through this.

October 10, 2009 - 4:53pm
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