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What is wrong with me?

By Anonymous October 1, 2010 - 6:28am
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I have no idea what to expect from my situation, but i do think i may have something wrong with me. I am 17 years old, and although i haven't had a terrible upbringing, infact my mum has brought me up wonderfully considering i have never met my biological father, i do feel as though my life is going nowhere. When i turned 14 i met a girl called Loren, and i had a counceller who helped me through my feelings for her. I was with this girl until i turned 16 years old, and she was very controling, and i felt as though i had to obide by her and she did sometimes scare me into doing certian things. She had on a lot of occasions hurt me and she did threaten me. I couldn't see it myself, but everybody including my family and friends told me that she was not right for me, and it wasn't until i turnd 16 and had started college, that i FINALY realized that i just had to get out of the trap. Then i met my current partner, Casey. He made me feel something i had never felt for a boy before. He is 19, and i am soon going to be 18. I have been with him for a year now, and we are planning to get married in Florida next year. My mum is coming with us, everything is paid for and i can't wait. But even so, i feel as something is missing. I can be so happy one minute, and then for no reason atall, i will be angry and will lash out and feel like i want to lock myself in the bathroom and cry myself to sleep on the floor. I have thought about commiting suicide on more than one occasion, mainly when i was with my ex girlfriend a few years ago. She lead me to cutting my skin, and i was still self harming when i met Casey, but he helped me through it by being an amazing boyfriend. I really do think he's the one, but my question is.. why do i feel this way towards life in general? I have no interest in going out of my flat, (i live with casey) and i never understand my own mind. I will admit that i love to wind him up on purpous.. and i always like to create arguments, and i used to do it with loren, JUST so that she would grab me, or push me or take me by the throat.. I understand that this is not normal, and i really would love to know why i felt like that and still do now. I cheated on my previous girlfriend a total of 14 times, because i loved her finding out and the feeling i recieved from her anger towards me. In a way i guess you could say that i love being dominated.. and i love pain. Even now i will sometimes crave cutting myself, but i stop myself.. I have been called a Masochist by my ex, and i read up on Masochism. I just need some form of help.. not to relieve my problem as such, but just to put my mind at ease to find out what it could possibly be. I love to drink.. it gives me a buzz and i love the image people portray me as, which is a "state" and a "mess".. how is it normal to love somebody calling you a state? I even know that it's not right, but i love it for some reason. I would love a life where i settle down and have children in a cottage somewhere with Casey, but then some part of me just wants to go out every weekend drinking and sleeping with everybody. Whoever reads this must think i am someort of "get around".. or that i am cheap, but i am not. I don't let other people abuse my body, i only abuse it myself, and i have only ever slept with Casey. I dress down. I have no interest in the latest fasion, but i love my style. I have facial piercings and i would love to cover myself in tattoos, although i would be scared of what people thought of me..but at the same time, i love the abuse i get shouted . I hate people staring at me for my piercings and fasion sense, but i LOVE attention, and not always for good reasons. Although even going into town is hard because i am CONSTANTLY paranoid peole are staring at me and i get out of breath and feel like i want to run home as fast as i can. I thought how i felt was a faze, but i still feel the same way in my mind and body 4 years on. Help me please.

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HERWriter Guide

Hi Anon

Thanks for your post and welcome!

I don't know if any thing is 'wrong' with you from a medical (or psychiatric sense) as we can't diagnose anyone - only give them suggestions and guide them in the right direction so they can help themselves.

You are very young - only 17, so I think you are doing what all teens do - finding your way in terms of romantic relationships and communicating with others. It doesn't matter if you are in a same sex or opposite sex relationship - as long as you are safe and happy, that's all that matters.

I think a good therapist can help you really try to understand yourself as to why you call attention to yourself and then panic at the attention and also why you like to hurt others, and really love when they react badly to it and 'hurt' you back. I think by piecing your emotions and motives together with a therapist, you can get to the root of this behavior so you can find a way to let it go and instead find positive tools in order to communicate or when you need attention. There are so many ways to have a warm, close relationship with someone but I think you need help with this and please don't feel alone - there are many teens in your situation.

A trained counselor can really help you with this.

Cutting and thoughts of suicide are not ways to get through this and I suggest you get help for this immediately and call 911 if you feel like you are about to act on your feelings. You can also talk to a suicide hotline, 24/7 - contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline line 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

You can also log onto their website here: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

I see you have a really good relationship with your mother so please also talk to her about how you feel.

Let me know what you think - I hope to hear back from you soon;

October 1, 2010 - 12:23pm
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