ask: Why doesn't my boyfriend want to have sex with me?
Hi, I am 24 years old and I have been with my boyfriend who is 31 for almost 2 years. We used to have sex about 1-2 times a week and then once every 2 weeks and then once a month. It's now been 2 months since we have been intimate. He won't let me touch him, he pushes me away and he doesn't even want to kiss me. I have sat down and talked with him to try and figure out what was going on and at the time he had quit his job and was a little stressed. Well now that has been almost a year ago and he still doesn't want sex. I am successful and attractive and so is he. Although I did gain a liitle bit of weight but he says it has nothing to do with it, that he is just not in the mood. I have asked if he has cheated on me and he said no. I just don't understand. I even try and seduce him but he still pushes me away. I have opened the door and asked if he wanted to try new things, and still nothing. I mean if he is not having sex with me then he must be getting it from somewhere else? Or maybe he just doesn't have a high sex drive. He doesn't pay alot of attention to me either and that's frustrating because I am getting a bit fed up and we tend to argue over that and the fact that he won't let me touch him. I love this guy alot. I want to be with him forever but if this is how it is now what will it be like in 10 years? I need love and affection like I give to him. He says that he still loves me and he wants be marry me. But why would he want to be with someone who he is not even intimate with? We both deserve it. I have tried everything and talked to him about this but he still doesn't seem to care about what I want and need from the relationship. Please help! I don't know what to do anymore.
Randi
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Randi,
I'm sorry this is a rough time for the two of you. You didn't mention, did your boyfriend get another job? How is he doing, work-wise?
Has he changed in other ways as well? I am wondering if he went through or is going through a depression after he quit his job. Did he lose interest in other things that used to make him happy?
There are a lot of things that could be going on here. Depression is just one of them (it can kill the libido). He could be very stressed. He could be being dishonest with you about whether he's seeing someone else. He could be using internet porn. Or he could have a medical issue, like low testosterone levels. (Though in some of those, even with a low libido I'm not sure why he wouldn't want to even kiss or hug you.)
Did anything else change in the last few months? Medication, living arrangements, family stress?
June 24, 2010 - 8:32amThis Comment
Thanks for your reply. I did forget to mention that before he quit his job he was getting into the business of selling and installing blinds and shutters. It is going very well at the moment so I can't see him being stressed about work. He also hasn't lost interest in anything. It is funny how you mention internet porn becuase just a few months ago I saw that he had visted a webite. When I confronted him about it he said it was a pop-up. I know that it was not a pop-up becuase this site he actually did visit as I checked the history in the computer...then 2 weeks ago I went to use the computer and when I clicked on the Internet Explorer icon another porn site came up. He actually just minimized it! This time, I got angry and upset. I asked him why he would want to watch that when I am right here and willing anytime to do anything. He insisted that it was a pop-up again but I know 100% it wasn't. I was so hurt and he didn't even bother to console me. He always has a password on the computer so I cannot access it (as I have my own) but that makes me think that he has something to hide from me. I am to the ponit where I can't trust him and want to install keylogger on this computer! I don't want to do it but I need to see for myself what he is doing on there. I didn't mention that we also met online, so could he be using dating sites? I do not know. Nothing else that I know of has changed (family, living arrangements).
After one week passed I tried to sit down with him and tell him that I would be willing to try new things. The door is wide open. He just said he is never in the mood when I come on to him.
June 28, 2010 - 5:29amPocco,
We actually do hear from quite a few women who are having the same experiences you are. Their boyfriends used to be very affectionate and intimate, and then suddenly aren't interested at all. Internet porn can be a cause of this, because it is easy, it's fantasy, the "women" involved online don't have needs or feelings, etc. It can lead to a habit of being more involved with the porn than with the partner in real life.
Please know that it's not that you won't "do" what he wants. Fantasy doesn't always translate to real life, either. For instance, he loves you, he thinks good things about you, he may not want to "confuse" that with the easy objectifying that the internet allows.
Could he be involved on online dating sites? Sure, it's possible. He wouldn't be the first. But the underlying thing that's happening here is that you are starting to distrust him, he is hiding things from you (and he's wrong, porn sites don't "pop up" unless you have visited something in the past that left a cookie on your computer), and you are wishing you could spy on him to get the truth. This is all really damaging to your longterm relationship regardless of the results, you know?
He doesn't pay attention to you, he doesn't respond well to talking about the situation, and he won't let you touch him. This is not trending well, no matter what is at the heart of it. And he doesn't seem to acknowledge that the lack of intimacy is even a problem.
This may be hard to hear, but I think couples counseling might be called for. It really really helps when you have an objective third party in the room who is very knowledgeable about relationships. And if your boyfriend won't consider that, I think you have to consider leaving. You are young, successful, thoughtful and attractive. You deserve a relationship that both people are participating in fully.
June 30, 2010 - 9:07am