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Why doesn't my boyfriend want to have sex with me?

By March 15, 2012 - 7:19am
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We have known each other since childhood and have dated off and on for years. We began an official committed relationship almost a year ago and moved in with eachother about 2 months ago. My man has never been very interested in sexual intercourse, although we did have a sexual relationship. Since he has moved in, his drive seems depleted. He says he is too lazy for sex or says he doesn't want children. He is 25 and I'm 24. I've asked him if he thinks I'm gross or something, and he says no, but I can't take the rejection any more. I don't know if he isn't attracted to me or if I've done something to make him not want me. He makes me feel like a slut because I always want sex and he never does. I'm not that type of person though. I just want to physically express my love for him. I am a sexual person, and I feel like we are missing out on forming certain bonds together and completely lacking physical intimacy that should bring us closer together. What can I do? I know he would never be willing to go to therapy. How can I get him to open up and talk about it? I'm so confused.

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EmpowHER Guest

I know this is years old now, but I stumbled across this when I googled "i am too lazy to have sex" because I am a man and I love my girlfriend, but quite frankly, I just don't particularly like sex.
While all the other advice you've gotten here may be true, it may also not be. Not wanting to talk abut it may simply be due to him not wanting to talk about a thing that may be viewed as something 'wrong' with him - all men are viewed as always wanting to have sex all of the time. For those of us that aren't like that, it's a bit of a burden because we want to be in relationships, but it's hard to find a woman who will accept us as we are and not make us feel like there is something wrong with us.

January 31, 2015 - 8:26pm

Hi i think Cody is right A MAN cannot resit sex. oh baby!!!!

February 25, 2014 - 6:11am

Thanks for a speedy response. Would you happen to have a recommendation on how to open up a discussion with him? I've spent years wandering if we would ever be more than good friends. Now that we've been together almost a full year, I hate to think we are back to friends. But that's the problem. I don't need to think it, I need to know it. And maybe it's sad that after knowing him all these years, I still have no idea how to have an open discussion with him when it has the potential to break my heart. :( Any advice will be greatly appreciated. How do you form a back and forth dialect that is calm and rational and open when such intense feelings are involved? I don't want him to become upset or insecure and refuse to talk about it.

March 16, 2012 - 8:19am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Mellonie)

Hi Mellonie

I understand ho you feel; it's not something a woman wants to face because once she knows for sure, the dream is over.

But you owe it to yourself to know. And he owes it to you, too.

Since I don't know him at all, it's hard to say how to start a conversation like that. People react in different ways. But I think, as hard as it will be, the best way is to sit down over coffee (not in a place where he can be allowed to get distracted and fob off the questions) and ask him if he's happy with the relationship being "romantic" or he'd prefer a friendship. Don't be defensive - or offensive - even though it might be hard not to to do it. Take deep breaths and fake the calm if you have to. Try to be as neutral as possible.  If he humms and haws, don't let him get away with it. He's a grown up man in a relationship and he needs to be truthful.

And I think if you don't get a real response (too busy to talk, has to be somewhere even though ten minutes before he had nothing to do, has a headache or tells you silly responses like "too lazy" or he "doesn't know", then that in itself is your answer. Sometimes we can say a lot by saying nothing.

I wish you the best and keep us posted.Who knows - you may be able to work things out! But if not, you have to move on.


March 16, 2012 - 9:12am
HERWriter Guide

Hi Mellonie

Thanks for your post!

If your boyfriend is "too lazy" to have sex with you and you want to have a normal male-female romantic relationship with him then I think you are probably incompatible as a couple. Not wanting children has nothing to do with not having sex - pregnancy is easily preventable. He may prefer you as a friend. It's up to you to find out what the situation is. Ask him for some honesty and don't settle for these ridiculous answers like "too lazy" for sex. You are both adults and you should both be able to discuss your relationship. I hope things work out for the best.


March 15, 2012 - 6:16pm
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