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ask: Why doesn't my husband want to be intimate with me anymore and what can I do?

By Anonymous
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I am 30 years old and my husband is 32. We have been married for almost 6 years and have been together for almost 11 years. We were young when we met, so we had a very healthy and active sex life. Over the last few years, our sex life has greatly decreased. My husband is still affectionate towards me (hugs, holding hands, a peck), but nothing more intimate including sex. I always have to initiate and he turns me down more often than not. This constant rejection makes me feel unattractive, undesirable and distant from my husband. I take care of myself and actually look better than when we first met. My husband travels a lot for work (2/3 of the time), so I would think that he would want to be intimate with me when we see each other. He shuts down or gets defensive when I ask him about it. He did finally go to the doctor last week for a checkup and everything checked out ok. I am at a loss for what to do at this point.

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EmpowHER Guest

It won't change no matter what you do. Change your hair, change your make up, OR don't change anything. If you aren't making love after 2 years, you won't be after 25 and you still won't have an answer. You will feel bad about yourself. Don't; it is not you. Don't beat yourself up. Keep yourself healthy and beautiful for you. 75 % of the men in America are hooked on porn and can't make love to a real, live woman. The rest are on blood pressure meds, addicted to alcohol, or just too damn tired. Don't wait. If you are young, move on. Life is the blink of your eyes. If you can't move on, except where you are for all of the good things in your relationship and don't make yourself, or him miserable. Strive to be happy. It's really all you can do. The next one might not be any better; could be worse.
Whatever you decide; single or married; really decide so you aren't unhappy.

April 29, 2015 - 8:54pm
EmpowHER Guest

Well I just turned 27 and we've been married for 3 years and it's already been a year my husband doesnt initiate sex. And we had sex less than 30 times during last 2 years and just after 4th or 5th time he told me that I do it in a very boring way. I never reached orgasm during sex, he doesnt want any foreplay as he finds it boring and a turn off to him, he even told me once during sex, that he doesnt feel comfortable and he wished we both had our clothes on!
I told him for acouple of times that he should start it too and to ask me for it cause I want to feel being wanted and desirable and all his answer is “Oh! Should I?!”
I really dont know what's the reason and unfortunately talking to him was of no use up to now as I've done it so many times

January 15, 2015 - 10:57am
EmpowHER Guest

my husband and i have been together 7 years and have got an almost 9 month old baby.im only just turned 30. throughout the whole pregnancy he didnt want to touch me intimately at all,which i can understand.men get freaked out about the situation..but hes been with me maybe twice after the birth.im in the exact same boat as the previous comment.i realisically would love to be intimate once a fortnite minimum..and i do try that but he always pushes me back literally and says no.he wont even hold hands.hes explaination is that hes too tired...but hes not too tired to go out with friends,workout,play computer games and watch porn(cos i found it in his history on computer).when i approach the subject he tells me not to be silly.i am getting at that stage whereas if nothing happens soon i might have to leave(getting teary now).i dont want to but its hard not knowing whats wrong.

April 23, 2014 - 4:58pm
Rosa Cabrera RN

Dear Anon,

Thank you for your post. I am sorry that you are having to go through this with your husband. After 11 years together, I can see how many men (and women) lose the passion in the bedroom and their sex lives change. Have you guys tried going on a vacation? Planning a romantic night? Rent a hotel room! I know you have your own home but many times a change in scenario is what you need to keep your sex life alive. Same bed, same routine= no fun. If he won't take matters into his hands, you do it.

It's not that he doesn't love you. Heck, I'm sure he finds you to be just as beautiful as you were the day you first met-- REMIND him of what he has. Not by asking "Why won't you have sex with me?" or "Is there someone else?"
Tease him. Send him a naughty text message while he's in the middle of a meeting-- change your name to Natasha and set up a "date" with him. Take him out on a night he will never forget-- this will kick in his 11 year LOVE for you while behaving like he is with a completely new woman.

My point is, Anon, that as much as you may love a person-- monotony gets the best of us in relationships--especially ones that have lasted over a decade. Keep it fresh, keep it alive-- don't let time burn out the passion in your marriage.

March 28, 2010 - 12:44pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Rosa Cabrera RN)

Funny I'm going through the same thing except doesn't go away, just works long hours... And maybe I've put on 15 pounds in the past 3 years (was 105 now 120) cuz he doesnt seem care.. Maybe its how I'm felling but if they are not interested, like normal men should be, if you look after yourself and i'm still size 2-4 they are definitely cheating.
For all my life.. what man doesnt want to have sex, for all my ex's even when it was bad the only thing that would keep us together was sex.
Now I feel they want us as the 'perfect on paper and to friends and family girl" and 'oh they are tired and not right now" but it aint cutting it. I believe it aint like that, we are just fooled and the wrst part is we are trapped and cant move on, cuz they have us cornered!! How did we end up here!!

May 23, 2010 - 11:59pm
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