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ask: Why doesn't my husband want to be intimate with me anymore and what can I do?

By Anonymous March 28, 2010 - 12:05pm
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I am 30 years old and my husband is 32. We have been married for almost 6 years and have been together for almost 11 years. We were young when we met, so we had a very healthy and active sex life. Over the last few years, our sex life has greatly decreased. My husband is still affectionate towards me (hugs, holding hands, a peck), but nothing more intimate including sex. I always have to initiate and he turns me down more often than not. This constant rejection makes me feel unattractive, undesirable and distant from my husband. I take care of myself and actually look better than when we first met. My husband travels a lot for work (2/3 of the time), so I would think that he would want to be intimate with me when we see each other. He shuts down or gets defensive when I ask him about it. He did finally go to the doctor last week for a checkup and everything checked out ok. I am at a loss for what to do at this point.

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EmpowHER Guest

It won't change no matter what you do. Change your hair, change your make up, OR don't change anything. If you aren't making love after 2 years, you won't be after 25 and you still won't have an answer. You will feel bad about yourself. Don't; it is not you. Don't beat yourself up. Keep yourself healthy and beautiful for you. 75 % of the men in America are hooked on porn and can't make love to a real, live woman. The rest are on blood pressure meds, addicted to alcohol, or just too damn tired. Don't wait. If you are young, move on. Life is the blink of your eyes. If you can't move on, except where you are for all of the good things in your relationship and don't make yourself, or him miserable. Strive to be happy. It's really all you can do. The next one might not be any better; could be worse.
Whatever you decide; single or married; really decide so you aren't unhappy.

April 29, 2015 - 8:54pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Anonymous is 100% CORRECT. I know because I am that husband. My wife and I have been living together since 1993, it is now 2015. I was 23 when she picked me up in a bar, so that could be part of the reason, as I was still a child and wasn't even really looking for a wife at that point in my life. But, I fell in love with her because she seemed to GET ME and saved me from myself (partying too much). We had lots of sex for the first 7 years or so, then things drifted off for a number of reasons. FIRST OFF ladies, most men want their woman to be confident in bed, sexy in a natural way not as if you are acting, and a bit dirty. Let's face it, this isn't your Mom and Dad's sex anymore. Maybe you should browse the porn sites and see what we are seeing. Some of it is going too far, but allot of it is perfectly safe and a HUGE turn on. Men DO NOT want to "Make love" .. man I hate that term. It's SEX, NOT love. Love is staying together and caring for and supporting one another. SEX is SEX. Listen to Motley Crue, wear your clothes a little too tight, slip a nipple out accidentally once in a while, bend over a counter with a skirt of and no panties with no warning at all. I'll digress, but you ought to get the idea .. hopefully. And DONT be BORING in bed. You need to hop on top of that guy and ride him like you are still in high school and your parents could come home at any minute. Men fantasize. They also need to look at other woman. If you know literally anything about the evolution of mankind, you'll understand that human men are not unlike Male lions in many ways and it is only society, the marriage vows and maybe safety that keep men from going out and having sex with any female that is willing. Men dream of threesomes where both woman are "taking care" of him. Watch the movie "The D Train" and listen to what Oliver Lawless says to the kid about his girlfriend. I mean come on now, you girls are watching the same movies we are .. don't you see how sex has changed ... for the better. Orgasms should be explosive every time because the excitement is there. For the truly daring, you might even want to consider bringing a female friend into the mix. If done right, and keep your emotions out of it, that could change everything and provide new excitement for years to CUM. And yes, I am personally addicted to porn. I look forward to it VERY much as it allows me to be the lion that my brain says that I am. No guilt, this is how our brains are and we cannot change that. Maybe years of marriage suppression will change that in about 1000 years from now, but for now, we are what we are. Monogamy is completely unnatural for Men. But some of us, like me do our very best to at least keep our marriages alive and well and we truly truly love our wives dearly, We just hate having sex with them. For me, eventually I was unable to orgasm, so I called it quits and right around that time porn was becoming better and better. My TV screen is huge with my PC hooked up to it and I can have sex with 100 woman virtually in about 1.5 hours. How can you compete with that. And yes once again, for the third time now I am trying to quit alcohol cold turkey. Life becomes boring and mundane after about 35 years and reality sets in for Men that none of their fantasies will ever come true. So drugs and alcohol fill that void. We are NOT as strong as you girls mentally. Our will-power is weak, I admit it for all Men here today. For me it is even worse because I now suffer from depression and anxiety and I think the lack of real intimacy and sex is part of it, but wanting to be sexual or have great sex cannot be forced or willed upon someone. It has to be natural, passionate, and a little dirty. I'll stop now as I am not sure what else to add, but if I stumble upon this post again and if anyone has any questions, maybe I can at least help explain. And as far as putting on weight, that's not a problem. I have been VERY attracted to heavier set girls many times. Perfect example is Amy Schumer. She is VERY sexy, because of her personality and what she says. Sex is between the ears and nowhere else. Simply speaking with a throaty sexy voice, if done right, could be all your man needs. And don't forget nipslips, upskirts, etc.

August 24, 2015 - 4:44am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

First of all, thank you. Your post was the most insightful, brutally honest, post I've read in the last few months on these blogs. It was, refreshing, albeit a real downer. The most interesting thing you said was that sex is "between the ears". Many men find me attractive but not my husband. Although I've tried to watch the porn he's into and change my appearance, dye my hair to look like Scarlet O'Hare and clean the house in a maid's outfit without underwear on, my husband remains completely unaffected (I might as well have been in my gym clothes). I've offered three Somes which turned into heated arguments about how "he's not one of my liberal polyamerous friends", and I've offered to make steamy sex tapes which were met with hostile remarks about how they would get leaked onto the Internet and ruin his career. Lingerie has no effect whatsoever...and don't get me wrong, I'm not boring in the bedroom. I'm into link and bondage and whatever else he would want to do. Day after day, I go unnoticed. He says "coming onto him has the same effect as putting a gun to his head and threatening to pull the trigger". So I backed off and stopped initiating. He'll start something like shove my hands down his pants on the kitchen and then pull away from me remarking that "he has a hankering for waffles". It's a waking nightmare trying to read his coy gestures.

November 22, 2015 - 8:19pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)


Your husband is playing head-games with you, toying with you like a cat does a mouse. And he's getting off on it.

Dying your hair to look like someone else, offering threesomes...why are you so desperate for the attention of man that's treating you like a fool?

Stop the mind games, don't play them anymore. Tell him you want to work with him to fix things or get out of the marriage, it's sounds very emotionally abusive.

November 23, 2015 - 6:53am
EmpowHER Guest

Well I just turned 27 and we've been married for 3 years and it's already been a year my husband doesnt initiate sex. And we had sex less than 30 times during last 2 years and just after 4th or 5th time he told me that I do it in a very boring way. I never reached orgasm during sex, he doesnt want any foreplay as he finds it boring and a turn off to him, he even told me once during sex, that he doesnt feel comfortable and he wished we both had our clothes on!
I told him for acouple of times that he should start it too and to ask me for it cause I want to feel being wanted and desirable and all his answer is “Oh! Should I?!”
I really dont know what's the reason and unfortunately talking to him was of no use up to now as I've done it so many times

January 15, 2015 - 10:57am
EmpowHER Guest

my husband and i have been together 7 years and have got an almost 9 month old baby.im only just turned 30. throughout the whole pregnancy he didnt want to touch me intimately at all,which i can understand.men get freaked out about the situation..but hes been with me maybe twice after the birth.im in the exact same boat as the previous comment.i realisically would love to be intimate once a fortnite minimum..and i do try that but he always pushes me back literally and says no.he wont even hold hands.hes explaination is that hes too tired...but hes not too tired to go out with friends,workout,play computer games and watch porn(cos i found it in his history on computer).when i approach the subject he tells me not to be silly.i am getting at that stage whereas if nothing happens soon i might have to leave(getting teary now).i dont want to but its hard not knowing whats wrong.

April 23, 2014 - 4:58pm
Rosa Cabrera RN

Dear Anon,

Thank you for your post. I am sorry that you are having to go through this with your husband. After 11 years together, I can see how many men (and women) lose the passion in the bedroom and their sex lives change. Have you guys tried going on a vacation? Planning a romantic night? Rent a hotel room! I know you have your own home but many times a change in scenario is what you need to keep your sex life alive. Same bed, same routine= no fun. If he won't take matters into his hands, you do it.

It's not that he doesn't love you. Heck, I'm sure he finds you to be just as beautiful as you were the day you first met-- REMIND him of what he has. Not by asking "Why won't you have sex with me?" or "Is there someone else?"
Tease him. Send him a naughty text message while he's in the middle of a meeting-- change your name to Natasha and set up a "date" with him. Take him out on a night he will never forget-- this will kick in his 11 year LOVE for you while behaving like he is with a completely new woman.

My point is, Anon, that as much as you may love a person-- monotony gets the best of us in relationships--especially ones that have lasted over a decade. Keep it fresh, keep it alive-- don't let time burn out the passion in your marriage.

March 28, 2010 - 12:44pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Rosa Cabrera RN)

Funny I'm going through the same thing except doesn't go away, just works long hours... And maybe I've put on 15 pounds in the past 3 years (was 105 now 120) cuz he doesnt seem care.. Maybe its how I'm felling but if they are not interested, like normal men should be, if you look after yourself and i'm still size 2-4 they are definitely cheating.
For all my life.. what man doesnt want to have sex, for all my ex's even when it was bad the only thing that would keep us together was sex.
Now I feel they want us as the 'perfect on paper and to friends and family girl" and 'oh they are tired and not right now" but it aint cutting it. I believe it aint like that, we are just fooled and the wrst part is we are trapped and cant move on, cuz they have us cornered!! How did we end up here!!

May 23, 2010 - 11:59pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I ask myself that same question "how did I end up here?". I told myself that when I got married, whatever my husband wanted sexually I would comply. My ex's said I was so good in bed that there was no way I would have marital problems. Oh, except that...my husband hates being intimate with me. Doesn't want road head, doesn't want oral, doesn't want a 3-some, doesn't like lingerie, doesn't care if I dress up or not, doesn't care if I'm out all night...I feel rejected and humiliated. How did I end up here?!

November 22, 2015 - 8:27pm
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