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Why is my boyfriend showing a lack of interest?

By Anonymous October 7, 2011 - 8:57am
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My boyfriend and i have been together since high school and are currently in our 3rd year of college. We know we have plans on being together after college and starting a family. However i've been feeling a major disconnect for the last several months and i don't understand where it came from. Although we don't live together we basically spend every night together either at his apartment or mine but he no longer wants to come to my apartment because it is "too far" and i can "just come to his." when i am there, he barely pays attention to me, most times we will be in separate rooms. he tells me i act crazy because i can't get attention but i honestly think I'm not asking for MUCH. we used to act so in love, he was always ready to kiss me if i turned to him, no longer wants to hold me at night (which was a nightly ritual), and no longer has the same sex drive (which is most shocking to me because we used to have passionate sex on a daily basis). the only time i get the same sense of affection is when i'm gone for a weekend or few day period when all he wants to do is tell me how much he wants to be with me and can't wait to have sex. i come back, we will be fine for a day then it is back to the same old attitude. I love him and i know he loves me but i can't deal with the constant up and downs of emotion.

I sometimes think it is my fault because i am under a lot of stress with my current living and school situation and i don't think he wants to deal with my stress or emotions. i feel like he needs time apart but it would be VERY difficult for both of us. he says nothing has changed but it's obvious that it has, our friends notice it too but i just don't know what to say, i laugh it off like we're fine.
i need something to change because my emotions have been thrown around and i can't deal. how do you take your emotions out of a situation and do whats best for you?

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HERWriter Guide

Hi Anon

Thanks for your post!

Your emotions are based on your circumstances so don't try to push them away or separate them from the situation. They are DUE to the situation.

College changes people - the difference between being age 18 and 25 is tremendous. We would not know if your boyfriend is gradually trying to separate from you (it does sound like it might be the case) or is going through something that he is not telling you about.

We all have stress in our lives so don't use your stress to excuse his lack of communication with you. I also talk to many young women who say their boyfriends call them "crazy" or "weird" for wanting what is merely a normal relationship with great sex and friendship.

This is done to the young woman to make her internalize the issue and feel like the problem is her. It's a manipulative thing for him to do. He knows things aren't the same but doesn't know how to tell you. This is understandable somewhat, but not the way he is turning it all on you.

Stop internalizing everything and sit down and talk with him. No accusations or "you don't" or "you won't" type sentences. Just tell him you miss the way things used to be and want to know how to get back to that place again. Ask open ended questions, don't ask questions like "are you still in love with me?" - this allows him to say "yes" or "no". Instead tell him how you feel about him and say "I'm wondering how you feel about things"? Ask him what you can both do to make things better. If all he says is yes, no, everything's fine or "I don't know" then it's clear that something is wrong because it's obvious that nothing is fine and that he does know there's a problem in the relationship.

This is between both of you - not just you.

Good luck and keep us posted. I hope this has helped to give you another perspective.


October 7, 2011 - 9:45am
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