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ASKTo give a bit of background info here; me andm y boyfriend have know eacher for about the past 8 years. We started dating in January so our relationship is still pretty new. I am 28 and he is 23 and live toghter. Our relationship is amazingly great in all aspects execpt out sex life. I know neither of us in cheating, me because well I am me and as far as he goes his phone never goes off unless its his mom calling, dosent get texts from anyone unusal, since neither of us really has any friends where we live (he is not from around here and my close friends moved away) so its not like he is going out though we still both do our "own thing" around each other. I will read and he will play video games for example.
All that said I can safely say he is NOT cheating on me. We have great communication and have talked about our sexual problem more then he has wanted. Its been about a month and a half now since we had sex. He tells me he really dont care about sex that it isnt imporatnt to him at all. I feel the same way to an extent, I have been with to many guys who only want sex and I love that our relationship is basxed on a lot morethen that but giving that its been a time since he has even shown any interest in me sexually I have been both frustrated in general about it and wondering how he can really say he loves me and is attracted to me if he dosent really have a sexual interest in me. To note, we never had sex a ton at the beginning about once every week to week and a half.
To be fair, yes he does show me affection, goes out of his way to do little things for me. Wether he loves me or not is never in question. It is if he is attracted to me that is. He assures me that he is but I cant understand then why he never wants to have sex with me. When this first became a problem I tried wearing sexy things, or initating sex in other ways and only got shot down. That being the case I stopped trying so much. I even am to the point where I dont know how to tell if he actually wants sex anymore. Last night for example he was kissing me passionatly for a bit and actually wanted sex. I however couldnt tell the difference since he will kiss me like that even when he dont want sex. So like usual I roll over frustrated and after a bit mention thins frustration to him only to get the response of "I tried to get your attenion about it earlier" his way of saying yea I wanted sex. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW is what screams thorugh my head. So after a night of me kicking my self for being oblivous we wake up and immeaditly start fighting about it.
I love our relationship as dose he and dont want this sex issue to be a problem we cant over come. He has even told me that we can go to sexual consuling or see if it is a testorne problem so he is wiling, tho not thrilled. While I am the one who suggested I also pointed out that I woudl rather those be last options and prefer to try to work it out ourselves. I have tried to express to him how his lack of intrest makes me feel. May nights I lie awake feeling rejected and unattractive, He has expressed other wise and that the one reason is that he just hasnt been interested in sex latley. Things are no more stressful for him now then they were when we first got together, actually a bit btter. Neither of us has gained weight and while I bring up my frustrations in subtlie ways it is not am all the time thing and I dont push sex or make him feel obligated. I have to note that it is not like I am looking for or interested in sex all the time. Yes we are young but between work, my daughter and everything I would thing wanting sex once every week and a half to two weeks isnt unreasonalbe. When we do argue about it we end up not talking much or at all for a couple hours and make it a point to not really go to bed mad at each other. This being the first good and heathly (or almost) relationship I have ever had I do not want sex to become a major issue between us. I dont know how else to express how I feel about th is to him or even how I should feel about myself or the sistuation in general. Part of me wonders if I am making a bigger deal out of it then it is or if I am responding adaquitly.
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Add a Comment8 Comments
I am in a similar situation. We never had much sex to begin with and even less now.
I can't think of anything else apart from depression might be his problem as do i think is the problem with my man.
Anon.
May 29, 2010 - 9:15pmThis Comment
What symptoms of depression is he experiencing, and would you like us to help you find resources for him?
May 30, 2010 - 12:39pmin the wrong place on the website, or at least I think I did
May 29, 2010 - 11:03amHi again!
Your post was half ASK and half SHARE so I think you're ok!
Thanks for contacting us about this - this is so very frustrating and heartbreaking for you, I can tell from your words.
I'm really interested in the fact that you want a physical test to be a sort of 'last resort'. This should be your first plan of action! Wouldn't it be better if it was something merely physical that needs a little help, rather than a relationship issue that may mean the relationship is in big trouble?
Please ask him to have a physical done. If he is attracted to you, as he says, then he really may have a medical problem.
On another note, he doesn't really seem to come on to you. So something going on that's psychological is a real possibility. I believe you when you say neither of you are cheating. So let's pretend there is nothing physically wrong for a second.
Why do YOU think a 23 year old young man isn't interested sexually in his partner who is also young, and I assume, attractive?
There could be endless possibilities that I could throw out there and that could go on forever. I also believe you when you say you love him and he loves you. But the fact is that you may love him from a romantic standpoint and he may love you from an emotional one. Meaning he loves you like a best friend, a confidant and for the wonderful woman you are - but it's just not sexual.
darknesses-realms, do you think there is a possibility that he is gay? There are many straight couples out there who aren't straight. Someone is hiding something - even in this day and age. He may be gay and love you to death but not ready to come out yet. I'm just throwing that out there as a possibility.
He may also have some kind of aversion to sex. Do you if it's possible he may have been abused in some way as a child and it's manifesting itself this way? It doesn't even have to be sexual abuse - it could have been physical, or psychological. You may know him a long time, but abused children who are now adults hide things from even the people closest to them.
Another reason could be a history of bad relationships in his past, even though he's only 23. Any input on that?
Again, please encourage a physical evaluation for him. That should really be at the top of you list. Sexual problems don't just happen to older men and women.
Tell me what you think of my suggestions. I could be way off, of course but since there are so many possibilities and I don't know him, it's really you (and he, of course) who hold the answers.
One way or the other, you both need to get to the bottom of this. And to be very truthful, if it's true there is no physical issue (but please check this out!) I don't actually believe he is being honest with you. The story of him telling you that he was trying to communicate with you earlier and thus leading to confusion in bed later simply doesn't ring true to me. I'd bet a lot of money that he is not being truthful with you. Not because he is a dishonest person, but because he feels that whatever he tells you will make him feel like he is letting you down. How I can gather this from your post I don't know, but that's a feeling I'm getting from all this.
I think often times when people ask a question, they (underneath it all) suspect something in particular and their question is more of a statement. But it's almost like they want someone else to say the words because they are not ready to say them yet. You know him and be really honest here - what do YOU think is going on?
May 29, 2010 - 4:35pmI do think he is being truthful., which may sound a bit nieve. Prior to this all starting about 2 months ago I found that he has a profile on a dating site..I confronted him about it and in the end we amde it through. His reasoning was that I wasnt making him feel "normal" because it seemed like I wasnted sex allt he time. Not the case. I dont want sex all the time but I want to know that I am wanted. Yes he tells me I look good and is romantic and all that jazz but the passion that was there isnt. Since then I pretty much know what he has and hasnt done...yes I have gone through his phone and computer and even his email...a bit psycho sounding I know. And other then SPAM mail which even I get I havent found anythign that shows signs of cheating. He told me in the very beginning of our relationship that he dint care about sex really and that he isnt intrested in it as much as most guys...me I took this to me once a week was good for him. Yet he has also made a comment before that "Even he cant go that long with out sex" and that was after about 2 1/2 weeks...not 2 months! I have been doing some 'research' online as to fixing testorone levels naturally and seeing if that helps...I have also decided to not even bring up sex and see if that helps. He feels that we argue about it every day where I would say its more like every 3 or 4 days. So latley I have been feeling like crap about myself... and just cant seem to graps that it has NOTHING to do with me like he has said. What confuses me even more is when I was on his computer today I found a porn site in the history of it, so my first thought is "ok not horny enough to want me but you are for porn?" some days I just feel like beating my head against the wall because of this and think it is better of to be severly depressed like I was for hte past 4 years and not giving a damn about sex with anyone ( I was also single at the time) He constinatly talks about our future and stuff that we are gonna get or do but I wonder latley just how much of an issue this no sex thing is gonna be and will it destroy the relationship we have. He has said he is willing to go to a sex therpist or take something that will help though I am the one that brought it up I am also the one that cringes at the thought. Unfortunelly this isnt somethign I can talk to friends about as they are all guys and their only reaction is..well I'll do ya then...not very helpful. I feel like this is the start of the end.
June 3, 2010 - 6:47pmWhat do I think is going on? To be honest part of me thinks I am making a bigger deal out of it then what is is. I am used to guys who all they want is sex and that is all the relationship is based on. In this case there is so much more and sex is more like a nice addition. I dont for any reason suspect he is gay or cheating. He feels like we talk about it all the time when really its about half, however he feels its more. It bothers him that the whole sex issue bother me but as far as us not having sex it dont bother him. In fact his exact response was " ...not having sex isnt going to kill me" and that he sees me in a sexual way and does disier me but hasnt really wanted sex latley. Maybe I need to change my way of thinking and lay off the subject and see if it gets any better. Maybe because we discuss it so much that he is feeling pressured to have sex with me and there for dosent want to. All in all maybe thats all this is because its happened before where he said he felt "pressured" and we wouldnt have sex for like a week or two but never a month and a half.
June 1, 2010 - 9:30amHi there!
Do you mean you posted this in the wrong place on our website or do you mean you posted this accidentally on our website?
Susan
May 29, 2010 - 10:22amBefor I am chastize I want to point out I did not realize I posted this in the wrong place and have so far not seen a way for me to delete.
May 29, 2010 - 8:35am