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Divorce-Proof Your Marriage: Advice from Divorce Court Judge Lynn Toler

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Who best to receive marital advice from, than the woman who has seen couples at their worst? Judge Lynn Toler, TV's Divorce Court host and Judge.

The following is her unique and incomparable relationship advice to help couples through the most difficult and challenging times in their relationships, as well as “warning signs” to watch for in an unhealthy relationship:

Possessiveness = Act of Love?
Toler commented about the beginnings of a new relationship, as there is the rush of love and often strong physical desire.

In unhealthy relationships, this desire becomes all-consuming, and the resulting possessiveness is seen as proof of intense love. The guy wants to consume the girl because of his own insecurities, and the girl wants to be consumed as she has a strong need for unconditional love and attention from a man...any man. It does not matter who the man is, or how he treats her after awhile, as long as she has this sense of feeling wanted. Toler noted that these women on her TV show are so accustomed to being consumed and possessed by someone else, that they often go back to their husbands even after Divorce Court proceedings conclude.

In healthy relationships, the intensity lessens a bit to a more sustainable level, as each person is more comfortable living as not only a couple, but also as individuals, each with unique interests and goals.

The best way to know how a man will treat a woman? Observe how he treats the other women in his life (mother, sisters, cousins). Does he exude any of the warning signs of a potential unhealthy mate: hot tempered or does not take “no” well (dismissed as “passionate”), jealous when you are with friends (dismissed as “misses being with me!”). These are signs of a person who sees you as an object, not as the special woman you are.

Priority Check
What are you spending your time on in the relationship: arguing, disagreeing, fighting? How much time are these negative attributes taking up? Priority check: is this what you originally intended? Is this what you wanted out of a relationship?

Add a Comment1 Comments

Good ideas, but having gone through it once and now contemplating a second marriage, what I would love to see is the destigmatization of the "pre-nup". I'm in NJ and the law on pre-nuptial agreements is so basic, Pre-Nuptial Agreements in NJ, yet NO ONE I know takes advantage of this protection because of how it will be perceived. It might not divorce-proof your marriage, but I am thinking of it more like marriage life insurance!!

August 11, 2011 - 2:18pm
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