September 14, 2011 - 10:27pm
I feel very, very lost. I am now 82 lbs at 5'4" and 19 years old. Not sure how I lost weight. I eat. I eat 3 times a day. Everyone says it's not enough, but I feel full. I'm soo frustrated. Tried talking to my mom about; she is angry. She thinks I can do this on my own. I thought I could, but I told her I need to see the therapist I saw in the past, she really helped me. The thing is though, I don't feel like I'm purposely starving myself. I don't say "I can't eat this, I'll get fat". I eat whatever I want to whenever I feel like I want to. But most of the time I don't "feel" like it. If I want a cookie, I'll eat a cookie. No guilt most of the time. If I want to eat a steak, I eat the steak. But the thing is, I hate being watched when I eat, I hate going through the motion of eating---I feel embarrassed. When I was 16 and was hospitalized for Anorexia all I could think about was how I didn't want to get fat, all i would eat daily was a couple crackers and wanted to be as thin as possible (my lowest weight then was 86). Now, I know I won't get fat, I eat whatever I want (but when i "feel" like it). Besides getting full quickly, I don't like the act of eating, but I don't have the same mindset I did a few years ago. I don't understand, how can I be diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, when I don't have the mindset of an anorexic (like I use to). I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't want to be overweight--but I know I won't be. Me, in my head and thoughts, I don't consider myself anorexic. But everyone else does. I feel I need help because I am withering away, and hate that none of my clothes fit me anymore, hate how thin I am. I need my parents help because it's their insurance. Not sure how to get them on board.