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Lack of family support

By October 19, 2011 - 9:50pm

You read a book or watch movie...even read an article about how to get better, rise above hard situations that life throws at is always because eventually the family rose to assist each other.
I live in such a mixed up family...that guess we are the exact opposite. I am sure we are mainly this way because my father is child sexual abuser...so very sick man and he stays at the core of the family.
When i told to protect my nieces...i was forced into it...my counselor said either i confront my father or she would turn him into CPS. So i wrote the letter to save him the shame of having his name out for all to read in the newspaper..especially since he had worked there.
Well he has resented me doing that all my life...where he has said how he hates me and does not want me in his life. I am saying it the nice way ...not how he said it to me. He of course only says this with out my nieces around...or anyone else but my mother.
My mother stayed with my father. He really loves her but for her...she lost her 1st husband at 23 to polio with 2 kids...my brother just born. So she got prego with me and married my father. She also grew up with out dad so we kids heard all our lives that my father came before us...so i was always to scared to tell her.
My father really abused my older half sister the worse....his good friends and brother in law and nephew( my uncle and his son) both abused me starting at age 2.
You think my older sister and I be close....she handled it by buried it so deep she did not recall it till she had a child and it was getting near age it started. Our counselor also put pressure on her to write so all the heat would not be on me ....she did not help...i did not even know this till she told me this year...i have paid heavily with anger both my parents throw my way.
My brother...died before all this happen but he and i were extremely close...he asked me to protect his kids and show them the fun we had at our favorite places..which i did. I love my nieces and am glad i kept them from this soul breaking pain abuse does to it's survivors.
I like my brother have autoimmune diseases...so sick a lot of the time. I worked until it was too much than with my husband blessings i left. I thought our life would be so much better!
We moved he started drinking again..only much worse..where he missed work and he never did before...i thought he was going to drink himself to death and did not have clue how to help. I tried work to force him in to rehab...they did nothing.
Eventually, his coworkers with me held intervention and he went into rehab...one week near end of it..he said i was his soul mate..for supporting him etc. The week i went to bring him home he hated me...blamed me for all his problems...had started affair in rehab.
For next 4 years...i was in and out of hospitals because of all the stress, my health went down hill. My dog died, my best friend who never called to see how i was doing wrote letter eventually saying we should not be friends any more. It was like losing my husband...who i had kicked out after my dog died and found out he abused her ...by neglect when she was sick and i was not home.
Where was my family? My father told me it was all my fault that he did not blame my husband at all...that was first time where seriously i saw all his anger..before it was little jabs here and there once he was allowed back into family.
My sister...just stopped calling me...would change subject if i tried to email her about my problems...my little sister has always distant herself from my parents...not me ..she was going through some serious issues of her own but eventually stopped communicating with me as well.
Due to all the losses i broke finally....only there was no one there to help me. One old guy friend did call me daily to make sure i did not kill myself. My sister in law since cards every 6 months which meant so much just that she did something. A lot was me ...i just went inward and could not reach out ..and when i tried i felt so much shame and that others deserved it more than me...my husband did a great job of breaking me like he wanted too....
Things have improved...my husband stayed sober and after 3 years sober he sincerely said how sorry he was and meant it...still is saying it some days. But damage was done...another woman went after him after 1st one took all our available cash. Even though it was breaking rules...she still did it..and i lived in small town so everyone knew it...of course most people felt sympathy for me but i did not know any one since we moved here than all this happen.
I tried to take some classes....but was still over drugged so people stayed away from me..few were nice and tried to help me. I truly appreciate them...but they had either their own problems or ulterior motives..get cash out of me etc.
Well my mom has tried to reconcile with me...but still with my dad...she is in her mid 80's and healthier than me! I know she loves me..but as she put it..i never could live with her..what ever that means in her head.
My little sister..sent me christmas present ...so i believe what she always told me that she loved me but it is her why i dont hear from her...not me. I believe she cannot be around my dad...and i use to try to be around him so grand kids would have family...stupid thing for me to do...now they think my father is great old gp. Yes they know the truth..basics they have never once asked me how i feel or what happen etc. my father has them believing that it is either my sister or i that has problems...he has tried to make it up to us..her and i hold onto anger etc...but when there is fight...they never ask us what happen or our side of it....in fact i was told by one to not talk about it...yet she was talking to my parents...she told me she wanted to stay neutral.
i loved those girls like they were my own...and took care of them weekly up until jr high..and even than still saw them a lot until i moved..but they both were in high school and full of life of their own..i still kept in close contact as best i could through all hard stuff.
It really hurts that i have no family...i know my father has told his side of the family that due to my diseases it has affected me mentally....a family friend told me this...not believing it and so got hold of me . I thought he might be doing that since he is most worried all his side of the family will find the truth about him.
My mom is only one that calls me and checks on me.
I do not hate my father...part of me actually understands where he is coming from..i forgave him years ago...and if he just could be nice sincerely and try like he did in beginning...it be great.
My older sister....like my younger..i get that she is different in how she handles it...she buries it somewhere deep...until something triggers it..than she speaks to me about it a lot...than one day i will get email saying she does not think it is good to keep focusing on it....that i must let it go! lol! when it was her who needed to talk...but okay i get it now...she has not even told her son who is 24...so her shame is deep still.
the only one that still hurts greatly is my old bf. I have no clue why she did that...she was always the one making me promise to always be friends no matter how far we lived apart. She had moved to texas to me be hear family so her kids had gps.
I went to visit her often...once things started falling apart like i said i clam up and spoke to no one..
i did finally tell her after my dog died...her dog died about same time only her dog was loved even as she died...my died on surgery table..i was alone hours from home...hour from my parents and sister/ sister in law but no one came to comfort me.
I am sure now they all think it has been long enough i should be on my own...but all of them are healthy so have no idea how bad health gets in the way and prevents me from doing what i use to be able to do.
What and how do others handle this? I tried to make friends...have than they too moved away. Yes i email them but not the same....
any advice? especially with my nieces...i love to have them back in my life ...but how with out upsetting them...or always lie and act like my dad is greatest?
thanks for any advice

EmpowHER Guest
By Anonymous October 12, 2012 - 6:36pm

Hi siskiyou,

Welcome to EmpowHER. Thanks for sharing your story, hope here you will find support and answers from others with the same problems.



October 12, 2012 - 6:36pm

Group Leader

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