On Your Own: Being a Good Single Parent
Whether you are a single parent due to the death of a spouse, divorce, abandonment, or choice, you can provide a happy, healthy childhood for your children. Your road as a single parent may be different than those who share this task with another, but your mission is the same—to provide a loving and nurturing environment for your children, helping them become strong, independent adults.
The road of a single parent may consist of obstacles such as loneliness, grief, hurt, sadness, rejection, guilt, insecurity, and
Your children may experience many of the same feelings, while challenged with the normal issues of growing up. It takes time and the support of family and friends to work through many of the emotions resulting from a spouse's or parent's death, or losing a spouse or parent through divorce.
In spite of the obstacles, the experiences of a single parent family don't have to lead to a dead end. Instead, many single parents discover new strength and independence. Children, too, can learn and grow from a single parent home. They have a great opportunity to contribute to their families and learn more about their own worth and abilities.
Facing New Challenges
Bob had been married to Susan for five years when a tragic and sudden illness took her life. At the time he couldn't imagine how he was going to raise Katie, their 18-month-old daughter, by himself. Three years later, he is admired by all who know him (most importantly, by Katie) as the best dad in the world. From potty training to Mother Goose story time to coloring at the kitchen table, he has learned how to turn everyday tasks into special memories with his daughter.
"There isn't anything I don't enjoy doing with her. I guess if you're willing to learn, anything can be fun." Bob never imagined he would find himself in the position of being a single parent, but is determined to provide a happy and healthy childhood for his daughter Katie.
Having the Right Attitude
Scott Peck begins his familiar book, The Road Less Traveled , by stating: "Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it." He goes on to further encourage people to expect challenges in their lives and put their energy into making the most of their circumstances. A single parent has a choice to view his or her situation as a tragedy that warrants bitterness, anger, and resentment, or a tragedy that provides opportunities for new experiences and growth.
Children will usually follow their parent's lead. If the parent develops a "victim" attitude, the children will most likely feel victimized. However, if the parent demonstrates an optimistic attitude, the children will be more likely to have a more hopeful outlook. Attitude can make the difference between happiness and misery.
Dealing With Changes
Children's lives change as a result of their parents' divorce or the loss of a parent. Therefore, they often need special attention in coping with these changes. However, parents are often so consumed with their own feelings and changing lifestyle, that they feel they have little left to offer support to their children.
"The first few months following Susan's death, I was totally spent," says Bob. "I was only getting about three hours of sleep a night and literally experienced withdrawal. I would break out in a sweat and just shake. My family would take Katie when I needed time alone."
Sometimes one parent will move into a smaller place to save money, or the child will need to travel to visit a parent and will only see them on weekends or holidays. Some children will live with one parent one week and the other parent the next week.
When the child's place of residency changes, they are faced with the adjustment of a new neighborhood, new friends, and a different school. In these situations, children often worry about the other parent. It is common for younger children to regress to earlier behaviors such as thumb sucking, throwing temper tantrums, or clinging to blankets and other security objects. Older children are more likely to respond with feelings of insecurity and anger.
If and when a step-parent enters the picture, children are asked to share their space, time, and mom or dad. Even if they like their new step-parent, the change brings another disruption to their environment.
Change is difficult, and children will need time, patience, and special attention as they make the necessary adjustments. Give them the freedom to speak openly and honestly about how they feel. You may need to seek the assistance of family, friends, or support groups for awhile if you are unable to give them the support they need.
Taking the Time to Communicate
Communication takes time and energy, but is no doubt, worth the investment. The communication between a single parent and his or her children can easily break down as the parent tries to protect the children from additional hurt or worry. However, the lack of communication often results in confusion, misunderstandings, and the beginning of poor communication patterns within the family.
A single parent needs to communicate to the children that they are not responsible for the parent's single status. Many children feel responsible for their parent's pain, as well as feeling responsible to "fix" the problem. Based on the child's age, the parent can explain the facts more honestly, instead of leaving the child vulnerable to speculation.
The best way to promote open and honest communication in your children is to model good communication skills. Be available to listen, ask questions, be honest with your feelings, and initiate opportunities to talk.
It is possible to raise independent, respectful, confident children in a single-parent home. Continue to be open and willing to learn, and you will experience the joy of raising happy, healthy children. Enjoy the ride!
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
Mental Health America
Canadian Mental Health Association
Canadian Psychological Association
Last reviewed February 2010 by
Please be aware that this information is provided to supplement the care provided by your physician. It is neither intended nor implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice. CALL YOUR HEALTHCARE PROVIDER IMMEDIATELY IF YOU THINK YOU MAY HAVE A MEDICAL EMERGENCY. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider prior to starting any new treatment or with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.
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