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Relationships & Family Guide

Cary Cook BSN RN

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Keeping the Passion Alive In Your Relationship

By Dr. Gail Gross Ph.D. Ed.D. Expert
 
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Keep the passion alive in your relationship
Erwin Wodicka/PhotoSpin

Romance and sexual passion are connected in a very real way to the deepest patterns of our childhood, those relationship patterns that we experience with our mother and father from the earliest stages of development.

Parental bonds

The way your parents cared for and bonded to you, the way they related to you emotionally -- those early patterns of interaction are what you seek as an adult in relationships. In fact, it is those familiar and early patterns that create the charge you consider as passion, sexual arousal, and love. It is really not about the outer world -- it is not about freedom, adventure, or even provocative experiences -- but, rather, the inner patterns of desire that you project onto a familiar target. The man or woman who represents for you the patterns of early childhood that you understand and know how to do.

In everyone’s life from birth to death, there are only two people: mother and father. These central figures create what Carl Jung called the incest mystery. Not physical incest, but the emotional incest of longing for the familiar that lives in your unconscious.

For example, if your father was a controlling person, and you are a female, you may gravitate to a controlling man. He turns you on because he is tapping into your early experiences of the relationship with your father … the experiences you define as love.

Relationship patterns

You know how to do that, after all you are used to it: you related to male dominance for most of your life and you understand how to work that pattern. Thus, the other is really a blank face unto which you cast a highly charged and romantic feeling. This exemplifies the rose colored glasses of early relationships, the romantic charge that you define as love. As time moves on, under the radar, you are changing, and by maturing, you no longer need that controlling or dominant behavior to make you feel the heightened state of romantic, sexual attraction. Hence, you may start to lose that passion for the other. What is happening is that you are taking back your projection and integrating it into your unconscious.

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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.

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