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In a time when an increasing number of couples are eager to live together before marriage, a unique trend is occurring: married couples are choosing to live apart after marriage. Called "living apart together", or "LAT", couples who happily and mutually choose this non-traditional living arrangement cite many reasons, one being LAT has improved their relationship, as they can be committed, exclusive and still independent.
Living with another person is difficult at times, especially someone you love. Not only do the everyday demands of laundry, dishes, cooking, bills and other chores take away any feeling of romance or spontaneity, this person makes other demands on your personal time and space. Remember the days when you were just dating your beloved, and how much fun it was to get ready for the date, anticipate the fun evening ahead, and call your friends to talk about the details? Now, once you are married, this butterflies-in-stomach feeling of anticipation is gone, and the reality sets in that this person is there. Always.
Not only do you need to compromise, negotiate and share constantly with another person, it is difficult for many couples to regain the surprise, spontaneity and romance when they are together day-in-and-day-out. Jokingly, a few of my girlfriends and I have talked about how great it would be if our husbands lived next door. We could see each other whenever we wanted, there is still all the commitments, but we could decorate the way we wanted, not have the stress of preparing meals that another person may not like, not have to worry if one person is a clean-freak and the other one is messy. You could send the kids next door to play, while you get some much needed alone-time in your own house.
Happily-married couples who go beyond the fantasy and actually choose LAT describe how this plays out in their life. (One note: these couples are 100 percent in love and faithful to each other; it is not being used (in this context) as one-step away from divorce...quite the opposite!) Some couples marry later in life, and each want to keep their respective houses. Other couples have such different styles of living that they could not possibly meld, from an early-riser-and-night-owl combo, to another couple who have very different tolerance levels for noise levels and visual distractions (music and TV, for instance). They either live across the street, or one lives in the country while the other lives in the city. Jobs and places of work contribute heavily to this choice, as commute times and long work hours may make it easier to live near work Monday-Friday, and live together on the weekends.
Beyond convenience, some couples have such strong preferences related to lifestyle. One prefers quiet country setting in a spacious home, the other the excitement of a downtown loft. Do you prefer to read quietly with light low and soothing music and a glass of wine after a stressful day, while your husband's idea of stress-relief is sharing a 6-pack with his friends, watching a sports game (LOUDLY!) on television? It is during these incompatible moments that LAT may look like the greener grass on the other side of the fence!
The benefits, in theory, are definitely there--but at what cost? Do you think these preferences should be worked out before marriage, and are potential deal breakers if no compromise is found? Are you and your spouse thinking about LAT as a viable option? I would love to hear your thoughts and personal experiences!
Add a Comment25 Comments
I was married for approx. 20 years then divorced, and had that down size you had to have, I struggled on many different levels and frons with the emotional component like most do. After 3 years I started going out with some one, for two years we had a great relationship and slowly increased that over the last 12 months. We live in separate apartments. We moved out later to a place in the country just out side of the capital city here and used the rent from our apartments to pay out the Land over a period of time we then got a small colour bond kit container house each and we had our own place we have never looked back.
February 18, 2019 - 10:01pmThis Comment
I was married for 23 years then divorced. A year later met someone and we had a LAT relationship for 3 years....lived in the same city, different places. It was good. Then he moved into my place. I hated it almost immediately. After 4 months I knew it was a HUGE mistake, by 6 months things were going downhill and now, not a year in, I've told him he needs to move out and get a place of his own! He does not want to do LAT long term so sadly, it will be the end of a relationship. Living together is not what I want.
December 18, 2015 - 4:32pmThis Comment
OK, I see this article is from 2011 but I have to comment anyway. I'm involved with a man who lives in my building one flight down! This has been a life-long dream of mine, seriously. And it's as great as I thought it would be. We're not married yet but I'm trying to get him interested in the idea of FAKE-marriage. That's where you go to Cosco and buy wedding bands and tell everyone you know that you just got married and they are happy for you and thereafter you get to talk about "my wife" or "my husband." Isn't that great?! And nothing else changes. There is not a chance in hell that I'd let this man (or any man) move into my hard-earned private space (I'm referring here to my apartment, haha). This is the best way to live, hands down.
June 3, 2015 - 11:49amThis Comment
I decided to divorce after 43 years of marriage rather than stay married and live separately. Now I am seeing a widower who I think would like to live together but I dont know if I ever want to live with anyone again, male or female, or even to marry.
June 6, 2015 - 8:55amThis Comment
am a 3rd year student in University of Bristol and my Disseration studies women who are in LAT (living apart together relationship). Would you be interested in participating in interview regarding your experience in LAT relationship.
March 1, 2015 - 3:55pmIf you are interested can you please contact me on [email protected] and I will give you detailed explanation of my research.
Thank you for you time
Polina
This Comment
I have been thinking of living in two separate houses in the last year. We haven´t done it yet cause we have to organize a lot of things but I do believe it´s a great way of solving this getting used to your couple and losing, for example, sexual desire, that´s exactly what has happened to me. Another thing I do believe in is that this type of living allows love to be there in a spontaneous fashion instead of some kind of burden. I also do not believe that love has necessarily to imply marriage or monogamy, we can love someone very much and also have other friends with whom you may or may not have sex. I truly believe the sexual tabu is also something that will change in a few years. Exclusivity belongs to the series of values related to capitalism, materialism and possessivity. Love has nothing to do with that. Thanks!
January 4, 2015 - 8:18amThis Comment
am a 3rd year student in University of Bristol and my Disseration studies women who are in LAT (living apart together relationship). Would you be interested in participating in interview regarding your experience in LAT relationship.
March 1, 2015 - 4:03pmIf you are interested can you please contact me on [email protected] (or here) and I will give you detailed explanation of my research.
Thank you for you time
Polina
This Comment
Hi! I really enjoyed your article. Just learning a bit more about LAT living and happy to find that it's a growing trend. I think it may be the only thing that will save our relationship! We got married (2nd marriage for both) and tried to live together but had many conflicts the least of which was parenting (my) children. I think we would be much happier living apart together in our own space with our own responsibilities. There are people that claim that will never work but I would rather be apart and happy than live together miserable and willing to take the chance! Wish me luck :)
October 16, 2014 - 11:41amThis Comment
Your post was almost a year ago, just wondering how it worked for you. I have just asked my liive in to move out trying to salvage our realationship
September 25, 2015 - 9:53amThis Comment
am a 3rd year student in University of Bristol and my Disseration studies women who are in LAT (living apart together relationship). Would you be interested in participating in interview regarding your experience in LAT relationship.
March 1, 2015 - 3:56pmIf you are interested can you please contact me on [email protected] and I will give you detailed explanation of my research.
Thank you for you time
Polina
This Comment