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Are You Sexually Normal -- And Does That Matter? -- Part 2

By Dr. Marty Klein Expert
 
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TOP TEN

Here are ten of the most common versions of "Am I normal?"

1) Are my sexual fantasies normal?
2) Are my penis/erection, balls/labia/breasts normal shape, size, color?
3) I seem to lubricate too much/too little when I get excited. Am I normal?
4) Unlike my friends, I like/don't like watching X-rated videos. Am I normal?
5) I just don't like oral sex/my nipples fondled/anal play/open-mouth kissing. Am I normal?
6) I want sex a lot more often than my girlfriend. Am I normal?

7) I enjoy lovemaking, but my biggest orgasms are from masturbation. Am I normal?
8) I really like being held down and being treated a bit roughly during sex. Am I normal?
9) When I was in college, I had sex with this couple about four or five different times. Am I normal?
10) I need to have my clitoris stroked in order to have an orgasm. Am I normal?

Such questions should not be answered...in a better world, people would not worry about them.

SO WHAT IS NORMAL, ANYWAY?

People who are concerned with being sexually normal are caught in a painful dilemma. On the one hand, they're afraid they aren't normal, work hard to be, and always see ways they need to be different. On the other hand, many of those who feel they are normal live in fear of losing this status because the culture defining it can change the rules at any time.

The only way to escape Normality Anxiety is deciding that "normal" is irrelevant. Take some control of your life: decide that you have a right to accept your sexuality on your own terms. Ways to do that include:

* Decide your sexual values (I suggest honesty, responsibility and consent). This will be an inner resource when you want to trust your experience (something either feels good emotionally and physically or it doesn't) instead of social ideas of what's "normal" (something is supposed to be right or wrong). By all means, discuss your sexual values with your partner.

* Acknowledge your sexual goals: These can include self-expression, exploration, intimacy, giving or sharing, pleasure, enjoying your body and feeling powerful.

Add a Comment2 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

"So what is normal anyway?" I really like this question, whether it's related to sexual habits or not, and thank you for framing normality as you have done in this intelligent and interesting piece. Thanks.

July 20, 2009 - 6:42am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hi, Dr. Klein, after reading this article I have a question for you....What about when a man feels the urge/desire to wear women's lingerie while having sex with his wife. Doesn't that cross over the boundary of "normal?" It seems to me that there are some sexual desires or needs that cross over the line of normal.

July 13, 2009 - 5:21pm
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