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It seems like some of kind of cosmic humor that pranks young, nubile women into motherhood. The stages of arousal leading to pregnancy are inextricably linked to freedom, to a certain edge, to a degree of wildness.

The very act of conception puts the breaks on wildness, particularly in our time, when so much information is available about proper prenatal care and health.

For men, the split between their sexual selves and their fathering selves is not quite so dramatic, for, clearly, their bodies do not morph into organic, incubating, feeding, nurturing water-logged homes for transforming, developing human beings for three quarters of a year.

Even mothers who do not experience pregnancy and lactation are expected to transform their personalities to some degree after becoming mothers, to dull the edge of their sexual sharpness, to recede from the playing field.

While much of this is as it should be and the natural course of events for the good of mom and babe, where does it leave women in the experience of themselves as sexual beings?

So much has been discussed with regard to men and their cheating ways, their feelings of being overwhelmed with the responsibilities of home, kids, family, and finances. It seems the stereotype of the selfless, asexual mother is thriving as of 2009; mothers still put their wildness aside as part and parcel of their daily responsibilities, and, if they do not, are vilified as somehow less than motherly, unfit.

Some of this may be changing. The term “MILF,” which is an acronym for “Mother I’d Like To F----,” is some kind of teenage male version of acknowledging the sexuality of women who have become mothers. While a certain degree of sweetness may be associated with this mentality, it is still an immature take on what is true in the experience of women; that our motherhood is an extension of our sexuality; that we cannot cut off our wildness, our edge; that burying this aspect of ourselves in grocery shopping, diaper changing and scheduled feedings does not eradicate our lust, we’ve simply extended ourselves in deeper and further directions.

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HERWriter Guide

I love this Aimee!

When I was younger, in my early 20s, I thought of women who were mothers as very asexual and even unsexual (which is a little ironic, don't you think?!). Maybe because I thought they looked a bit tired and dowdy, compared to my carefree, high fashion self -or because I was silly and had the time to think like this, and they didn't!

Fast forward to age 39, and I am still into my fashion and work hard to keep in shape (it's harder as we get older, whether we have kids or not) but what a difference some years - and some kids make! I am much more comfortable (and confident) with my body and mind (and in every aspect of both) than I was pre kids and pre growing up a little.

Having kids and a husband and a busy life ensures that I don't have much time to think or worry about my figure or how "hot" I am, nor do I have tons of time to focus on working out or gazing at my face to check for lines. But simultaneously, I am more confident and therefore attractive. And I definitely don't feel asexual because I've made sure to keep that aspect of my life alive, despite kids, work, activities, and so on.
It's not always easy to keep a balance. Only when you birth and raise babies do you realize this. When I read essays in women's fashion magazines about "having it all!!" it's clear that they are often written by women who don't. They have careers and a lot of "fabulosity" (and not a thing wrong with that!) but not the trials (or benefits!) of committed marriages and raising kids.

We can have it all, but not always at the same time. And while we mothers do need to be cut some slack for not dressing to the hilt all the time or blabbing about how we have crazy mad sex every day, it's also very much up to us to not let the aspects of what got us here (sex) to disappear.

Boy, if we knew then what we know now, eh?

August 10, 2009 - 1:34pm
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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.

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