Women's Internalized Oppression: Undermining Your Own Sexuality
"Slut!"
Like children telling stories about a scary old man, women criticize each other's sexuality - from a safe distance.
"Slut!"
It's hit and run.
"Slut" is what women call a woman who is "too" sexual. It's someone who can enjoy sex without being in love. Someone who admits she enjoys sex more than a woman "should." In other words, it's a woman who can enjoy sex the way only men are supposed to be able to.
"Look at her, all over him. Is she even wearing a bra? God, anyone can tell what's on her mind...what is she, a nympho?"
But there are costs to this sisterly vigilance. Aware that others will be judging them, it makes women wonder if they're withholding their sexuality "enough." Or it makes them proud that they do. Either way, it says that repressing yourself is an important part of sexuality and relationships. And that's a destructive idea.
Women are caught in a historical collision between the sexual values of the past and future. Religion, the media and our families are sending out contradictory messages about sexuality that are driving women crazy.
Consider: Today's woman is supposed to be sexy, but not too sexy. She's supposed to be responsive enough to validate her partner, but not too aggressive or hard to please. Sexual, but not lusty. Not frigid, but not quite red hot. Her sexuality should express love, not lust.
In short, she has to be sexual in just the right way, regardless of her actual feelings or needs. To conform, to be an acceptable female, women have to carefully modulate, and therefore undermine, their own sexuality.
Monitoring, labeling and criticizing other women are only a few of the many ways that women sabotage their own sexuality. Let's look at several others; do you have a voice in your head saying these or similar self-destructive things?
* "Distrust lust; keep your privates private."
"My mother taught me not to dress too sexy," says one dynamic woman I know, "because I shouldn't attract too much attention." For years she followed this code, even as an adult.
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Add a Comment113 Comments
This is one of the best articles I have read. Thank you so much! I would love a follow-up one that gives more specific ideas about how a woman can embrace her sexuality.
-K.
June 15, 2009 - 12:08pmThis Comment
A woman could embrace her sexuality by being herself, by putting effort in personal development and not giving credential to all the myths that circle mass media. But for that is a lot of work with someone's self.
a male opinion,
September 12, 2009 - 5:32amv
There are so many myths about female sexuality and what it means to be a sexy woman. Thank you for a though provoking article. I too think personal development can help. I found a place for some down to earth practical information about pleasure, female orgasm and friendship between men and women. I've gotten a freedom from learning things at this website ( welcomed.com ) that have made me feel sexier and more fun in and out of the bedroom. So yes personal development, but with fun and pleasure at the heart of it, not work.
a female opinion,
October 6, 2009 - 11:03pmr
Wow, so very much wrong with that article. Seems to me that you are just trying to convince women that they are all closet "sluts" that should prance around nearly naked screwing every potential partner they come across.
So women only feel sexy prancing about in lingerie? Ever think, just for a minute, that perhaps the reason women prefer sex in a stable relationship is because it is infinitely more fulfilling than random sex with some stranger? There is nothing wrong with women who don't put out whenever the opportunity presents itself. Nothing wrong with women that wear comfortable clothes.
This is just another article trying to convince women that all they really want to do is please men. Sad, really. Whatever happened to an equal partnership?
June 18, 2009 - 8:21amI don't see it as that at all. I read this as if it is reassuring women that whatever their feelings on sex, they are perfectly justified. They don't need to suppress or otherwise alter the way they think about sex, because however they feel is right for them.
Naturally, sex with a long-term partner will be more fulfilling because (hopefully) the woman will be open about her desires and the man more understanding of these.
I don't feel that the author was saying that women can only feel sexy in lingerie; rather that women who DO feel sexy in lingerie should not be ashamed of this and they should embrace it -- even if they are not "the type". There is absolutely nothing wrong with wearing comfortable clothes, nor is there anything wrong with wearing lingerie.
Ultimately the article aims to help women come to terms with feelings they may have about sex and sexuality and encouraging them to feel good about themselves regardless of whether or not their views match up with what society expects of them.
June 21, 2009 - 9:26amI completely agree with your post, It's exactly how I would of put it<
August 31, 2010 - 10:17amWe as Women need to break down taboos that for so long have haunted our ancestors as well as us. I'm not trying to say go out burn your bras go have sex just like a man . No just that we need to be more honest wit our own desires and emotions and start to believe that we have a rigth to express our individualism with out any scrutinity from anyone .<3
I felt the point of the article was less 'Women should feel this way,' and more 'Women should feel free to feel this way.'
In your own words, "There is nothing wrong with women who don't put out whenever the opportunity presents itself. Nothing wrong with women that wear comfortable clothes." The article is just saying that there isn't anything wrong with women who put out more than others, or who wear whatever they want. Do what is right for you, regardless of what we might be told is 'right.' Women don't HAVE to have sex, but they shouldn't feel ashamed of it when they do.
June 25, 2009 - 12:15pmYou have completely missed the point! He is certainly not suggesting anything remotely close to your interpretation, which I think you should seriously look at why you feel the way you do and where that comes from really? Anyhow, he is simply suggesting women take a more active, open and proud approach to their sexuality. That does not mean dressing like a whore and sleeping with every man you make eye contact with!!
There is no shame in enjoying ones sexuality whether female or male. That is what this is about.
June 26, 2009 - 1:26amSounds to me like your one of the "people" they are talking about. The women that label others sluts. I myself think its jealousy. One only critisizes others when one is un happy with theirselves.
September 5, 2009 - 7:15pmSounds to me like your one of the "people" they are talking about. The women that label others sluts. I myself think its jealousy. One only critisizes others when one is un happy with theirselves.
September 5, 2009 - 7:15pm