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does he want me as a friend or girlfrind .

By Anonymous June 23, 2010 - 8:41pm
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well ive been dateing this guy 7 years and he says he loves me with all his heart but he has never kissed or helded my hand we have never had sex he has never come on to me in anyway but i asked him why he says its because hes waiting to get married .we go on trips share the same hotel but he gets two beds.he takes care of me but we have no sex no kissing no hugs nothing but a i love you and i dont know what to think . what do you think is going on with him

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Please don't waste any more of your time on this man. I know that's direct and doesn't feel good to read, but you are worth more than this.

I know that there have been good times between you. But if he is talking to other women and keeping things from you, he does not respect you. And that's in addition to the fact that there's never been any physical contact between the two of you.

Find strength within yourself to listen to yourself. I see it in your writing: You know he won't change. Trust yourself and act on that, Anon. Seven years -- most of your 30s -- is enough time. Don't lose your 40s too.

June 30, 2010 - 9:52am


I worry about the fact that he calls other women on the internet and talks to them, and that you felt you needed to get their numbers and talk to them just to figure out what's going on. That's not open or honest behavior on his part, and it makes you feel like you have to sneak around to find anything out.

This is a hard situation because there are good things about the relationship. It isn't all black and white. But I guess the main question needs to be this: At 40, he is who he is, and he is unlikely to change his basic personality. Do you want to stay with him in a relationship like this? Would you be happy, or would you constantly worry that something else is going on? And would you feel starved for affection, like you do now?

Being a pilot doesn't really have much to do with all this. In fact, being away for a few days at a time would often make a couple more eager to see each other and be together physically. But the fact that he IS a pilot does mean that if you marry him, you will have to deal with his absences and wonder whether anything is going on while he is on the road. Would that bother you?

June 29, 2010 - 9:26am
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Anonymous (reply to Diane Porter)

yes him beeing away bothers me alot cause theres days he truns of his phone for the weekend and says he left his charger in the hotel. and on holiday we never have onces been toghter on a holiday. he says its because hes working all the time to take care of me but i lay in my bed ever night thinking of what hes doing and i look at me and ask myself if its me .i cant asked him anything cause he flys of on me he can get really bad at times then hes like why are you pissing me off just cause i ask him something .like i got a text from a girl he was talking to on yahoo and she sent me her pic and she was young like 22 all the women he talks to are all young 22 to 26 when i told him he got really mad and changed my phone number i have had 10 phone numbers in the last year because they get my number or i call them .i wished there was a way that i knew what was really going on but deep inside i know i really need to walk away but i love him so much weve been to a long time and i keep hopeing and praying he will chang but i know that want happen .hes really good to me untill i bring up the women he calls or ask him about where hes been or why is ur phone of then he gets really mad .just dont know what to do and how to do it.

June 29, 2010 - 10:22am
EmpowHER Guest

Ty so much for your advice.i really need someone to talk to ty so much youhavehelped me alot more then you know.

June 27, 2010 - 4:59pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Your Welcome. : ) Anytime!

June 27, 2010 - 9:52pm
EmpowHER Guest

It is definately not good when you asked ,if you were just a Friend and then he got mad.He is getting defensive because it is most likely true.Then the other time when he said,he was going to marry you,after a fight,is a classic bait and switch.To take the heat off of himself,he wanted to make you feel bad.The fact that he has been calling other girls and never brings up anything sexual in nature,is not promising.Being a Pilot,doesn't make any difference.I believe he is gay,confused and embarrased about it.I am sooooooo Sorry,Girl.You deserve to be loved!Kissed and Hugged!I hope you find true happiness!

June 27, 2010 - 1:22am


Seven years is a long time. I agree in many ways with the first answer from Anon, above. Here are my thoughts:

If he loves you with all his heart, and is waiting for marriage, has he mentioned wanting to marry you? After seven years, if he is interested in marrying you, I think you both would know. Especially if he is saving intimacy for the woman he marries.

What this is is a deeply affectionate platonic relationship. And it hasn't progressed in quite some time. Honestly, it doesn't sound to me that it IS going to move forward unless you press the issue.

Yes, he may be gay. Or he may be afraid of commitment. Or he may not be in touch with what he wants in life. Or he's comfortable with you and is fine not taking the next step. Whatever the explanation, I fear you could be spending the next 7 years in this same limbo unless you do something about it.

You didn't mention how old the two of you are? Or whether either of you has been in a serious relationship before?

June 25, 2010 - 8:30am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Diane Porter)

well hes 40 and iam 40 i have been in two serious relationships but hes been in one we meet in 1999 and we have been toghter from that day he pays the bill we go on trips we talk like 10 times a day on the phone but when we are toghter theres no hand holding or kissing no sex or nothing we do alot toghter but i feel like hes not into me in a sex way sometimes i think its me but i dont know sometimes i think hes gay but then sometime when he says he loves me i think maybe things will get better i just need to know i asked him one time was hes love for me as a friend he got mad and said no then one timewe got into a fight and he screamed at me i was going to ask you to marry me .so i dont know then i found out he was calling other women on the net so i got there numbers and they all said he talked to them but never talked sex or hoooking up so i really dont know what to think ive been told so much i just dont know what i should do people tell me leave it alone but i feel i need to know hes a pilot so hes away some i wounder if thats the problem ?

June 25, 2010 - 3:30pm
EmpowHER Guest

Yes,That does not sound right.If he was very religious I can see him not wanting to have sex or oral sex,but not kissing,holding,sleeping in the same bed sounds way extreme.Has he mentioned anything about marrying you?Has there been any talk of it?If he loves you with all his heart,I can see no reason why he has not brought it up or even asked you already.It has been 7 years.There is a possibility that he sees you as a Great Friend,like Family.Is there a possibility that he may be gay.A good friend of mine is gay and if you met him you would never be able to tell.He was one of the guys.In fact,I didn't find out until the 3rd month of knowing him.So the only 3 things I can think of is Extreme Religious Beliefs,Your like Family,or he is Gay.Aside from the intamacy,he sounds like a nice guy for taking care of you,but you need to know what the truth is so you can move forward or move on.I wish you the best of luck.

June 23, 2010 - 9:47pm
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