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How to confront an Asperger Husband on his infidelity?

By Anonymous December 22, 2010 - 6:18am
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My husband is four year my junior and he has an extramarital affair which I found out after a year. I confronted him and he just shut himself out. How do i overcome the situation? He refused to respond on saving nor admitting to the affair. I am now trying very hard to save this marriage and we have a 9 year old son. Appreciate an advice

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EmpowHER Guest

I am a man with AS. I am married 17 years with two children, to a woman 8 years my senior. Communication is very difficult, and very recently I have written an emotional letter to an old flame of mine; partly because she hadn't known I am AS, and she should know, and partly because of the frustrations caused by our completely different forms of communication, my wife and I. It is already, to some degree, a betrayal. I may end up being unfaithful to her, with my old friend or with another woman.

This said, let us focus on your question. People (AS or NT) are all different, but I imagine your husband didn't enter a marriage unless that commitment with you meant something to him. Even in moments that communication is difficult, he will know that he owes you to not shut you out.

But to get out of 'sulking' mode (yes - that's what I call it for myself), he needs to see communication is going to go somewhere. For example, that there are specific things you want to find out or decisions you want to make, and that you can't make them without his contributions. You can also be very clear that the status quo - you being a helpful wife while he sleeps with someone else - won't do. If you can't communicate, and things aren't at the point where you just want to pack your bags, you could refuse to do certain things (cook... wash... shop... sex, of course) until you've started to talk about t=he isues that matter.

But like any communication with a man with AS, it will get better if you are very direct and purposeful, having an objective to achieve and being open about that. To me, with AS, implicit communication - nagging, showing emotion, bringing an important subject in a roundabout manner... - is all part of a social game that I don't understand or enjoy. I realise it sweetens the pill for most people; for us it's the opposite. Some of the tricks you know - use routine, communicate in writing, set a tone of seriousness that suits the need to be serious about it - could apply.

You want to bring him round? Since you need something specific and he has no right to refuse, be direct, be purposeful, demand that you two look at the state of your life together as the first step to improve both your lives.

September 3, 2015 - 4:15pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hi my husband who is diagnosed Aspergers and six years my junior did exactly the same to me ... I'm heartbroken and am so sorry you've go e through the same ... I've been with him nine years and I can't move on , can't stop thinking about it and not sure if I can stay
I don't understand why he did it I thought he really loved me and fir a year he made me feel I was the best thing ever and now I'm beginning to feel I hate him and because he shuts it out and won't discuss it I can't get any closure on the whole matter and now I worry that he will do it again ... How do you cope with it? Thinking of you ️xxx

January 26, 2015 - 8:42pm
EmpowHER Guest

I am a middle-aged AS woman who has been divorced 20 years. For the past 15 years, I have been in an extra marital relationship with a married AS man a few years older than myself. I do not know if his wife is AS or NT, but I suspect she must be "one of us" because I don't understand how a "normal" person could live as dysfunctionally as they have for over 40 years. For the last decade plus, our routine has included him coming to my house in the morning for coffee and a packed lunch to take to the office, followed by him coming straight to my house after work for dinner, to go to the gym, and back to my house to watch tv until around midnight, at which time he would go to his house. Weekends, we spent 8 to 12 hours a day, each day, together. We vacationed together. They did not have any children, but he has been a good substitute father for my children who are now adults. I moved out of state last year, and he flies out to visit me for a week or so nearly every month. I know I'm at least the second long term affair partner he has had. I don't know what his wife did while he and I were together, or if she knew -or cared- what he was doing. His comments about her were rarely negative, never flattering, and usually neutral; he acted as if she was simply a roommate who never paid her fair share of the bills, someone he always had to help support financially because she couldn't take care of things in a responsible manner by herself. He often says he wishes he would catch her cheating on him, because then he could leave without feeling guilty. He would rather she cheated with a man, though, and not "lose" her to another woman. I know all that sounds really strange, but it's the way his mind works. He doesn't deal well with people he knows are lesbians or are in interracial relationships. Gay men, he doesn't seem to be bothered by them. Anyway, to answer the question I've been asked by friends who know about this relationship, "don't you feel guilty, or feel like you're doing something wrong" the answer is no, not really. Not on a deep level. At first, it bothered me that he was spending so much time and emotional effort with me, when he should have been investing in his marriage or getting out of it, but about 12 years ago, his dad became very sick in another state. He went to take care of him. I was the one who ended up joining him to help out with his dads death and estate. After that, I never felt guilty again, because it had been HER place to do that; SHE knew the situation and SHE chose NOT to be a wife and do the things a wife should do. I don't know where this will all be in another 15 years, but I suspect it will be pretty much the same. I don't think there is anything she could do or say that would stop him from wanting to be with another woman, whether it's me or someone else, and actively courting another person and becoming emotionally and sexually involved.

May 20, 2011 - 9:48pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Curious since it's a few years out. Are you still with him? Why would you stay with a guy who is too cowardly to leave his wife? Of course you only hear his side of the story - who knows if he lies to her about his whereabouts? How can you accuse her of not being a wife, when the cheater you are with clearly isn't being a husband? Was he there when her parent died? It's doubtful. It's amazing how people will rationalize their own bad behavior.

September 6, 2016 - 8:50pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I question whether he even has a wife! He spends almost all of his non-working hours with his mistress & returns home only to sleep. Where does a wife fit in? Maybe he invented her to avoid marrying this lady!

August 24, 2018 - 7:42am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I agree with your opinions

October 12, 2017 - 6:28am
EmpowHER Guest

I am a woman with AS. I am tired of neuro-typicals trying to change us. That's how we are. I personally chose to stop wasting my life trying to fit in to other peoples expectations and now will be spending the summer doing the kind of research I love to do. You people do not realize how much brain power it takes for a person with AS to conform to the neuro-typical way. All your interactions, smiling, make me feel good about myself...it's exhausting. AS men are very smart, they may seem like helpless baby's to you but trust me....it's an act and they are very sufficient. My father has AS and managed to leave a third world country and make a name for himself in America at a time when he had no money, no political pull and the country had restrictions on people leaving. As a person with AS I understand the "games" we play. I will tell you this. AS people know that they can be sweet and charming, we do tend to take advantage of others niceness and often need VERY firm boundaries. We do not respond well to a lot of talking, yelling, emotional outbursts, in fact if you want to push us away farther start crying, yelling or being any other sort of emotional. On the inside we will just think you are strange.

What we do respond well to is action. So if you don't like how he is acting leave without saying a word. You can't apply the neuro-typical rules of relationships to a person with AS. The result will be frustration, shutdowns and a ton of misunderstanding. On the positive note we aspies only put in work to those we want to keep around. So I guess take it as a compliment that he wooed you enough to be married, considering that most of us LOVE being ALONE.

April 28, 2011 - 7:01am
EmpowHER Guest

especially you, Jean Low!

April 8, 2011 - 8:22am
EmpowHER Guest

you guys are funny

April 8, 2011 - 8:20am

wow for so many years thought o was alone.the problem in our marriage is that my husbands siblings and mother all act same way.so every time i tried to explain how his behaviour was wrecking our marriage,he could not understand.to his whole family they act normaly/the rest of us are odd.
after his diagnosis,and aspergers couple councilling,i will no longer take the blame.i now realize i tried the best i could for yrs,so helped for councillor to tell him that his behaviour is not acceptable in a marriage.he did not argue with her.things are better now.i now stand my ground more.know now when to back off.accept his pattern of a/s behaviour,but will not tolerate bullying and will not let him dominate me.if he shows me up in public,i now tell people he has a/s.he hates this,but it works.he is not so attention seeking now in public.and i do not feel guilty anymore.since coucilling and diagnosis he does realize its a miracle we are together.i have to accept he has a/s and o.c.d. we do the best we can.but i now accept he will never,with best councilling in world,be a man who is able to offer the shared love and intimacy of a normal relationship.he does his best.but if he was blind i would not expect him to ever see.so cant expect any miracles,but we believe in our marriage.now happier and more contented.and i have only ever loved him and never even looked elsewhere.so take heart

January 17, 2011 - 10:43am
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