How to confront an Asperger Husband on his infidelity?

Thanks Susan
My husband received his dx in early October, nearly 2 months after we separated in August 2010 and was unwilling to accept it at first, but now has, so he hasn't been able to 'use' his dx for anything as such, he just felt from the beginning that he was entitled to these behaviours, (some AS people have a strong need to direct and instruct (control)). This need to instruct/control, his impaired understanding of social/emotional boundaries and what is socially/emotionally inappropriate, his belief that there was nothing sexual in it (which I actually think there was but due to the alexithymia accompanying his AS he was unable to recognise as what it was) and some of the secular personal development courses he did (before we met) that encouraged permissive behaviour under the guise of emotional growth, contributed to this, and as a guy growing up as a loner with low self esteem who had little success with women (apart from his previous wife from whom he had a very high conflict divorce before I came along), found that playing the affirming, 'sensitive, new-age guy' role, who seemed to take a real interest in other's problems and had all the answers was a behaviour that got him the undivided attention of attractive women. In particular one attractive and friendly young woman half his age (his 'best friend' (obession), who lives interstate) whose lack of self respect lead to a life like an ongoing train wreck, which she regularly inappropriately disclosed the details of to him and he advised her on.

I was in my final semester of uni in our first months of marriage (and needed 6 weeks of extensions to complete it due to the psychological distress) and apart from the other women stuff, 5 months into our marriage he closed his successful trades business and took a relatively unskilled job for half the income that allowed him to live 2 hours away from our marital home for 6 days a week, completely shutting me out of his life (except for a brief phone call before he went to bed) and only coming home on weekends.
I understand from other spouses of AS husbands at the support group I attended that varying levels of apparent emotional detachment are reasonably common, with many AS husbands, depending on where they are on the spectrum, either finding a job away, making separate living quarters to the spouse/family in the marital home or moving back into their pre-marriage own home if they can, within months or weeks of the marriage. If this was not a possibility, shutting down the emotional and physical intimacy side of the marriage was the next best thing. I was a size 14 when we got married and a few of months after our marriage, he told me he didn't want sex with me anymore because of my weight (which hadn't changed since our wedding day). This was really due to his AS inability to sustain emotional and physical intimacy - all he knew was that there was something difficult about it and as it couldn't be his fault it must have been mine, so went looking for a reason. He could identify this behaviour as unaccceptable if it happened to other women but was unable to apply it to his own actions and unable to connect my distress to his behaviours. Yes, he is extremely manipulative, but not in the way of a sociopath. He can always find a 'logical' reason to justify his behaviour and when the diagnosing AS psych managed to get through to him on our first of 3 diagnostic sessions that his behaviours were not acceptable he was genuinely shocked and remorseful (for a few days, then retracted back to his earlier position of blamelessness). I have severed all contact with him, as trying to stay in the marriage and find a solution whilst enduring the escalating distress of his detachment, communication deficits and OCD was taking an extreme toll on my emotional, mental and physical health and my daughter's emotional wellbeing and academic progress.
I am not defending his unacceptable behaviour here, but I understand that apart from gender, personality and family of origin issues there are bigger neurological reasons for it some of it eg, components of his AS such as alexithymia (inability to process or respond to many of his own and other's emotional states and non verbal cues (depending on the payoff (low with me, high with other women so he would make the effort to intellectually work out how to respond to them for short periods of time and appear genuine), impaired theory of mind and semantic-pragmatic disorder that together made it hard for him to verbally communicate effectively (again, mainly at home), the masking and coping mechanisms he devoped over a lifetime to hide his 'difference' (from himself and others), and OCD to control his environment and cope with the stress of living in a world he wasn't fully connected to. He wonders why we just can't stay friends (as he doesn't experience the emotional pain that I do), but whilst I can reconcile his AS behaviours on an intellectual level I still can't do it emotionally so have chosen to completely sever our contact. I am recovering my life again and at the stage where I usually no longer allow the temporary intrusion of AS into my life to define my interactions with friends and my own thoughts and emotions.
I watched part of the movie Apollo 13 recently and the narrator described the failed moon mission as a 'succesful failure' - it was launched, things went dangerously wrong but the people managed to get out alive, and it occured to me that this was a good description of my short and painful marriage - a successful failure.

My husband has recently received a dx of Aspergers, we have been best friends and in and out of relationships with each other for 10 years and got married just over a year ago. We separated after 5 months (making it permanent at 7 months), me with an anxiety disorder that developed after 3 months of marriage to him. His AS obession is also other women (one in particular, who was the 'best man' at our wedding, and women in general), I thought that this would stop after our marriage but it didn't. He has done lots of secular and church 'personal development' and relationship courses (this is his 'special interest') and uses this vast 'knowledge' (that he is neurologically unable to apply in his own life) to engage single women in conversations about their personal emotional problems and then 'advises' them, giving him a lot of personal gratification. The more attractive and slim the woman is the more effort he invests in gaining her inappropriate disclosure in order to 'instruct' her about how she should be treated and boost her self esteem. His response to my requests to stop this behaviour is the usual Asperger 'shut down' response that you have mentioned. Like most spouses of AS husbands, I found it hard to leave as I grew to love him as a gentle, kind man who showered me with attention, then changed almost overnight into a controlling, emotionally detached and sometimes psychologically abusive person (abuse that he could always 'logically' justify), and I hoped and tried to do everything 'right' to get back to the almost addictively nice person I had first experienced him as. Unfortunately, these intense episodes of 'nice' during the pursuit phases of our relationships (and engagement) were nothing but a very convincing performance that he could turn on and off at will (but cost him a huge amount of effort to sustain) and only lasted up until we had consolidated a relationship (the last time, getting married) and he no longer needed to keep up the pretense and became emotionally detached again, which resulted in escalating emotional distress for me as his uncontrolled social/emotional and communication deficits (that he was unable to accept and blamed me for) robbed our relationship attempts and later marriage, of trust and intimacy.
May I suggest that you find a counsellor or psychologist who specialises in adult aspergers and understands it from both the AS person and the spouse's perspective, this is extremely important, and discuss your situation with them. I can't tell you how important this is to do the research to find the right help, as only a person who who specialises professionally in it can understand and explain your husband's AS behaviours (in light of the deficits that cause them) and your responses (which are normal for non-AS women in AS relationships) and help you respond in a way that will help rebuild your self esteem, conserve your emotional and mental health and help decrease conflict (for you both) whilst you work toward a longer term solution. Best wishes.

yes i agree,so painfull.my husband is obsessed with women,has flirted with young attractive women all ou life,usualy in front of me.when i was young and insecure[and still loved him]it killed me.i thought if i became perfect wife///he would love me back.of course
had no diagnosis then]he always said i imagined it,well 45 yrs later ,one breakdown later.one diagnosis later,now know he would never have physical affair,its just flirting.he has even told me non of these women who chase him?????would put up with his ways like i do.i do love him,but fell out of love yrs ago.he killed that.but still love him

Anon--I'm sorry you're having to face this situation. I do agree with Alison, though. Let's suppose that A/S could have something to do with the cheating... It still doesn't mean YOU should have to accept it.

A/S or no A/S, cheating is cheating and it hurts just the same.

i also chose to stay.my husband always controled money.,so i have no savings.he has made it clear he will never leave our home.so i would have to go???then would take 3 yrs of seperation before property can be sold.where would i go.refuge????no i am 63 yrs old.my grown kids a/s is worse than my husbands.
so decided to stay,got a/s couple councilling,took controle of my life.had C,B,T THERAPY.
we do share our faith and have a lot of common interests,but its so hard,he says he loves me????i love him,so we stayed in our very odd marriage,but do not think i could start a new life now.i work with autistic adults this gives me some insight and more skills to cope..luckily hubby is hypo active[68]still works 50 hrs a week.so can do my own thing.we get on fine till i want to talk.he missunderstands every thing i say????but funnily enough never gets in arguements at work.and at the end of the day,the grass is not always greener????

thats so sad to hear.yes i think a/s people have the ability to see the other woman as completely seperate/its as if we are their mum.but i do not think i could forgive if mine had had a proper affair.are you sure it was physical.the a/s people in our family are sexualy repressed/they will go far but not that far.i am lucky my family are all workaholics,so dont have time to run up debts.
do you know why he is not working?is he suffering a breakdown?
what ever happens you two need councilling so urgently.
do you have someone to talk to,would your husband resent this.
please look after you and your boy.
i feel its best to make clear that you weill never tolerate again,but once you have said that you must be prepared to follow through/.please please look after yourself.