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I am getting really upset. My boyfriend doesn't seem interested in having sex with me...

By April 8, 2011 - 6:02am
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I am 24 and he is 47. We have been together for about a year and a half, living together for a year. Before anyone comments on the age thing, know that we love each other very much, and if anyone were to see us together they wouldn't think a thing of it -we fit :) The reason I include our ages is that I wonder if that is the reason for the decline?
We used to have sex everyday, now it's about once a week. It is really taking an axe to my self confidence. I have tried initiating things. I have dropped hints like bombs. For example I asked him to bring me home batteries for my 'toys'

He asked me why?... and I told him it's because I'm not getting enough from him...
I have gone about it in nicer ways too, I don't get it?! A vibrator is not an acceptable substitue! I want to make love, share love, be loved! I've tried being naughty too... I've tried letting my gaurd down and doing freakier things in the bedroom -lol. I know his ex was a real skank. I thought maybe if I let loose a bit he would be more interested... nothing is working...
It's not the actual act that is the problem, we do fabulously there.
It is getting things going. He never wants to. He never reaches for me. It makes me want to cry even when I write this now. Last night his lack of intrest made me so mad I got up, and went to sleep on the couch :(
What is causing this?
I keep thinking he is cheating on me. I really don't think he is. He is such a good man. I have been betrayed by every other guy I have every been with though. I feel like if he is not interested in me he must be interested in someone else.
I am an attractive women, and I have been willing to try whatever, I just don't get it.

How do I get him to want me -the way I want him?

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EmpowHER Guest

same here im 23 and he's 31 we been together 4 yrs and had a baby this year. we suffered the lost of our baby in jan 2018. we both been hurt since arguing about stupid things but a few weeks after my baby passed i caught him watching porn and masterbating while i was sleeping in our bed i dont understand why he went to porn instead of his beautifil woman laying in his bed
... we dont have sex now like barely at all and i feel i get more attention outside of this relationship. then i see him looking at other women which is only a problem when he stare, but my bigger problem is he's ready to fight any man that looks my way... do i work on this relationship or just leave? again its been 4 yrs

September 27, 2018 - 7:23am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hello Anon

The death of a child is devastating. I'm so sorry for your loss. The death of a child can often destroy relationships. My advice is to not give up yet - suggest individual counselling for each of you and also couple's counselling.

If ultimately he chooses not to engage with you or work on the relationship then the choice is yours to stay or go.


September 27, 2018 - 4:15pm
EmpowHER Guest

It sounds like to me that it’s just getting to a comfort zone where they don’t need or want sex every single day. It gets to that point in any long term relationship. Also, they are older and as you get older your libido slows. Maybe try to find forms of intimacy that doesn’t require him to mow your lawn. Like cuddling.

If you feel like you aren’t loved without sex, then you might need a therapist. Sex isn’t love, and their are other ways to show your love than JUST having sex.

February 19, 2018 - 2:33pm
EmpowHER Guest

I'm 19 and my boyfriend is 32. at first we were having sex daily and now we can go weeks or months without anything unless I initiate it. I feel like I'm being pushy if I mention anything and he seems annoyed if I ask questions about it. he has no problems getting an erection for sure. he doesn't even kiss or hug me and when I kiss him he just doesn't seem interested. we have a baby together and it sometimes feels the only reason he's with me is for our daughters sake. I'm not sure what to do :/

March 13, 2017 - 4:35am
EmpowHER Guest

Firstly, you ladies really need to look at how your boyfriends/husbands are feeling. He might be struggling with something emotionally? The same happened with me. Me and my boyfriend had a brilliant sex life, we had sex every day, sometimes twice a day! He's 23 and I'm 19. We've been together nearly 2 years now, and we usually only do it twice a week now roughly, sometimes once. It doesn't bother either of us, we both work and yes you get tired in the evenings, sex doesn't have to be all the time for it to be amazing. Whenever we make love it's perfect, passionate. Just as amazing as it first was just not as often and it doesn't bother me. You need to sit down with your partner's and actually talk to them about this instead of posting it on the internet for advice? If you want to get him in the mood make sure he's relaxed first and in a good mood, you can't just expect it from him because he's a "man" and they're "always up for sex" no they're not and that's extremely sexist. Your relationship clearly isn't healthy if you're pissed off he's not having sex with you. Try communicating instead of getting annoyed, ask him why he doesn't want to? Just because you want sex doesn't mean he has to. He might have work stresses on his mind he hasn't told you about, family problems etc. Just try telling to him ladies! Relationships are not just based on sex :) xx

February 28, 2017 - 1:22am
EmpowHER Guest

I'm 20 and my boyfriend is 23 we live together and have a child of 4 months. We haven't had sex for 7 months. Every time I tell him let's have sex he makes an excuse of oh did the dr say it was ok? Oh I don't want to use a condom get on birth control first, oh I'm not in the mood, oh I feel awkward because of the baby, oh sex isn't that Inportant to me. It's been months and he won't even touch me. I can't seem to understand at all? He deprives me from sex. I talked to him about it and he says it's not because of my body and that he does love me. He says ok we'll have Alex and more weeks pass by and still nothing I feel so angry already I really don't know why or what's wrong with him. He says he's not cheating but then why won't he have sex with me? I lost so much weight and I try and look good for him but can't even get a touch on the shoulder. Please help I don't know what else to do?

September 20, 2015 - 1:27pm
EmpowHER Guest

I have had the same in the past, & I caught my husband watching porn......
Ya, I know guys...everyone does it right? Its normal you say..... Maybe you all should read up on the effects that porn has on guys & relationships. I have done a lot of reading this last couple of months & let me tell you, everything that I have read says that porn is bad for the guy & bad for the relationship (the relationships like mine where I hate porn)..it degrades women & makes men think that the things that are happening in the movies is real & then they want some of that, guess what guys, those things are normal in the movies, it is not so much real in real life. Here is a small paragraph of one of the articles that I read...........

The Benefits of Watching Porn...

Whether you’re a porn virgin or have been viewing for years, it’s important not to think of porn as a how-to guide. “Trying to learn how to be a better lover by watching mainstream porn is like trying to learn how to be a better driver by watching The Fast and the Furious. It’s a bad idea,” says sex educator Reid Mihalko. You would never treat people’s bodies the way they do in a porno, plus most of the positions are cheated and parts are edited out, he explains. And remember that, as with regular movies, you’re watching actors, so don’t compare yourself to them.

I am concerned that couples today are not having the loving relationships that our grandparents had, probably because they did not have high speed internet porn. I also read up on this....guess what...guys in their 20's are having erectile dysfunction......that is unheard of.....anyone want to rethink their porn use? Go ahead, read about the effects of porn, & young guys having problems....it is really sad.
I just thought that I would stick in my message because I am concerned & am going through this now. Hope everyone does their homework in order to help the relationships that you want to save. Also, watch videos of guys talking about quitting watching porn & how much better their sex lives, libidos & relationships became. It is never to late to break a habit, especially if it is affecting your sex life with your partner.
Good luck all.

September 10, 2015 - 2:21pm
EmpowHER Guest

Well my boyfriend is 23 and he has some problem with getting down to it. I never understand. I've even out a sexy outfit on and walked in the room all exited and he looked at me and I sat in the bed when you kiss him and he said'good finger yourself in the bathroom' I'm sorry to use that Language but I just thought id share... But I took it off a through it straight in the bin. I feel Fat and ugly I have no self of steem I used to be the one out off the girls to be out going and the first one to pull but now il completely opersite

August 5, 2015 - 12:37pm
EmpowHER Guest

Guys we need to help each other :(,

Me and my boyfriend have been together nearly 2 years, we have sex 2 times a week if it's a good week, we've been together a while but surly not that long that the sex should be bad... When we get down to it he just doesn't seem interested what so ever, sometime I see him just watching the TV whilst actually doing it.... I hear these people that have great see lives and tbh I get jealous. I want him to want to have sex with me. It's me that has to ask. Me that had to do most off the work. He doesn't get hard unless touch him. And even then he's not that keen... I love him very very much and we have been through a hell of a lot. Surly that would make you stronger. I ask my friends and they say he's cheating. But I'm with him a lot and I pretty much live with him. I just want to make love. Even when we are getting down to it it's hard to try to get him to kiss me, squeeze me or even touch me, we used to be amazing at it. But now... I just feel I'm making him do it. I wish it was how it used to be. But we have other problems but it's pushing me away. And I'm scared one day I'll end up walking away. I'm glad I'm not the only female who feels the same way, someone reply so I don't feel like a twat.... I just want a good shag lol!

August 5, 2015 - 12:30pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hello, I have a similar problem as well. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. He is 27 I am 21. Our problem is that he never seems to want to have sex with me. When I talk to him about it he says he has a low sex drive. I some what believe this because I have found porn on his cell phone before and if i ask him how many times he masterbated he will tell me. I feel like he chooses porn and masterbatimg over having sex with me. Like most of you girls, I want to make love, be loved and so on. This is really making me go crazy. And on top of it all about a year ago he tells me he doesn't want to get married or have kids. What do I do now :'(

May 25, 2015 - 5:30pm
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