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I'm 24 years old and my fiance is older than me by one year only. I'm a mature and a grown up girl but he sometimes i get the feeling that he has a weak personality...he is easily persuaded and he can’t make his own decisions unless he asks for others' opinions first.
i do the same i like to hear others' opinions but i don't just go and do what they say i analyze and think about what they said and either i do it or get another idea of what they said...but he doesn't do that...he does what he hears if its a good idea...he doesn't come up with any ideas...just waits for someone to do the thinking for him...and because i am the kind of person that doesn't sit and wait for the answers...i end up doing all the thinking...and i don't like that i fell like i am the one who is controlling things just like i was doing when i was single so why am i in a relationship?!!!
my friends & family tell me that he is a kind man and that's not a bad thing he doesn’t want to be a dictator with you and you can teach him how you want him to be…
i know its not a bad thing that he is kind and loving and would do anything for me…the problem is that he is TOO kind
beside i don’t want a child to raise and teach him how i want him to act..i want a man…a man i can relay on...to feel safe with.
i am not happy...i feel something is missing...maybe because i have this idea about the perfect guy for me and he is not him from the strong personality aspect...he is more of a soft personality
i keep tiring to convince myself that he is the perfect logical choice… he loves me, would do anything for me and would never hurt me…then i go to sleep convinced that i made the right choice but a wake up the next morning telling myself "i am convincing myself…it shouldn’t be like this...i shouldn't be convince myself”
sometimes i love him so dearly and sometimes i feel i can’t stand him…i keep seeing flows in him…and i tell myself “if i truly love him, i am not suppose to see any flows in him…right?!!
one more thing…i am not exactly an angle you know i am a moody person sometimes i become grumpy out of nowhere and he bares me...he is a sweet guy really
we have good communication we can talk to each other easily…it’s that what marriage is all about good communication…when all the glamor goes away and all that is left is how we treat each other?!!
i am so confused and i can’t make up my mind…i love him i know that…but...
will i be able to live with him like and i am the one who is doing all the thinking?!!!
Can i do something to make him more mature?!! do i step back and let him think about everything?!!
will he be able to step in and handle things when he is needed?!!
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Hi Sasooo,
April 28, 2011 - 7:47amThank you for your question and for joining EmpowHER. We're glad you're here. You definitely are doing some soul searching. When's the wedding, is it planned? It is completely natural to question like this. It is normal to lose your temper from time-to-time. You are very justified to wonder if he's the right man for you. Something you said struck me, "i have this idea about the perfect guy for me and he is not him from the strong personality aspect." Are you settling? You're only 24, what's the rush to get married? It's great he's a nice guy, but if you're not head-over-heels, and 100% sure, what are you doing? This isn't an easy road to travel, but imagine being in a marriage that isn't right for you. Fast forward 5 years, and you're still frustrated by the same things, what then? Do you stick it out, or get a divorce?
Ultimately, the choice is yours. We cannot tell you what to do, we can only share our viewpoints based on experience, and inspire you to advocate for your own well-being. Another thing you said, "i don't like that i [feel] like i am the one who is controlling things just like i was doing when i was single, so why am i in a relationship?!!!"
Dating is designed to try on people to see if you fit with them. It's great when you find a nice guy, but it doesn't mean you have to marry him. You may need to try on a couple more to find the one that's right for you. Your fiance also may need some time to find his own opinions. Yes, it could come in time if you were to get married, but it also could go that you end up controlling your lives for the next 50 years. What do you want? What do you need to be happy? Go get that...good luck!
Have you discussed your concerns with him? What does he say? Does he have pre-wedding concerns too? Talk those over. Are you doing pre-marital counseling at all? It may be helpful to try to resolve some of these concerns and shed some light on how you may want to proceed.
Let us know if you need to "talk" more. And I sincerely hope that our information is helpful. Here are a couple articles that may provide some insight:
Ultimate Relationship: What are the Main Components?, and Why a Woman Should Know What She Wants, and Ingredients for a Great Relationship
There are more great articles that may be helpful, if you look around the website on these pages. Good luck, and let us know how you are doing.
-Take care,
Christine
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