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If you and your husband are out on the town partying and you have been drinking and he gives you a drug that causes you to black out and when you come to he is letting some man have intercourse with you is this rape?

By Anonymous June 7, 2009 - 7:45pm
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I was married for 19 years. Throughout my marriage my ex husband always had an addictive behavior. He wanted me to have sex with woman, threesomes, etc.. I said no up to the last 3 years of our marriage. We started going out more and I would drink, he would drink sometimes but because he claimed to be an alcoholic most of the time he was sober. He would want me to pick up a girl. I had a problem doing this because I didn't want him to have sex with someone, I didnt want to really do it.. I had to drink until I could even think about it. I got angry and asked him how he would like it if I wanted to do it with a man.. He said fine to my surprise.. I didn't think he would actually go through with it. I hoped he wouldn't but we did. We had a threesome with a man.. I was completely devestated afterwards. I thought he must truly hate me to want this. We constantly went out! He started getting drugs of all kinds for me to take. He continued to manipulate me into doing sexual things as he wanted. I stayed pretty messed up.. I had never done drugs before this time. At this point I wanted them to dull the pain. There were many times we would be out and he would say here take this so you can chill and we can have fun. I was intimidated and afraid not to take it. Many times I would not even remember the night. Many times I would come to from being blacked out and there would be a man having sex with me and my ex husband watching and telling him what to do. I would say stop it, why do you do this.. I was to out of it to do anything. I finally couldn't take it anymore. I told him that I thought he had raped me over and over but he said that no he didn't that I had asked for it. I would tell him that he was crazy that he had stuffed pills down my throat until I blacked out and then let this happen.. He said I would just look like a whore and that no one would even listen to me. I eventually filed for a divorce giving him everything just to get away from him. During the seperation and even after the divorce he stalked, harrassed me, attacked me, got arrested and the police called on him more than once by me. After many threats and scary moments I finally decided to stand up for myself even if it turned out bad. I don't know where to start with this but I know its not right what he did to me. I want to know what a woman can do about a situation like this? Can you press charges against your ex husband for rape even after you are divorced?

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I live in Texas also, so the statue of limitations is something you can review at the site I mentioned in my first post.

Please call one of the National Hotlines, as they can provide free assistance to you, and other assistance is on a sliding-scale fee base. They will not bully or pressure you into anything you are uncomfortable with, and can talk with you about all of your possible options.

They also offer counseling services for you and your family, as well as offer insight into your options with your daughter.

The calls are free, and anonymous, and could help guide you into a new direction, full with information, resources, motivation and courage. (You already have a lot of this already!)

Let us know how you are doing, and I'm interested in hearing what the National organizations are able to do for you.

June 8, 2009 - 4:24pm
EmpowHER Guest

I am taking it slow with him because of this mess with my ex husband. My daughter really like him but now she has nothing to do with me, him or my family. Her dad had isolated her and told her such horrible things that she just ignored my constant tries at trying to be with her and talk to her. It has been the worst 2 years of my life.. There is no good legal representation out there for someone like me. Not unless you have a ton of money... which my ex husband has. I never imagined that I would get to this point. I never thought someone, a man, could control you, manipulate you, like he did and still is doing. One man can make you feel so bad about yourself that you stay in a relationship that you know in your heart is bad. Do things you would never do to keep the marriage, to keep the man... Crazy.. sometimes I don't know myself anymore... huh..

June 8, 2009 - 11:15am
EmpowHER Guest

How old is your daughter? Are you able to find a counselor for her or have you tried therapy to help her get through this? My heart goes out to you!

June 8, 2009 - 11:13am
EmpowHER Guest

I am in a home right now that I bought. Since the divorce and me moving on my ex husband has threatened me several times that he was going to take all the money I have by sueing me over and over, that he would get custody of my children, and that he would keep making me pay for what I owe him. In his mind he thinks things that are not right. Even with clear evidence etc. he doesnt see things the way everyone else see it.. I moved on after being divorced a year. That's when he started stalking, harrassing, sueing me... I know its because I started dating a man that is very wonderful and my kids liked him. After that the second set of bad stuff started happening. He has gone through with his threats sueing me, getting my daugher, not my son though. He is a manipulater like you would not believe. I asked the courts several times to make him stop sueing me and to leave me alone but the courts don't care. I just gave up after my daughter, but I just cant do nothing anymore. My daughter has turned into a monster. I don't even know her anymore. The few times I talk to her she is angry, mean, and hates me because of the way her father has turned her against me. My heart breaks knowing she is hurting so bad and I'm doing nothing.. I cant do anything to get her or help her... She doesnt need to be with him. The legal fees of lawsuit after lawsuit have added up.... I am at a point that I haven't done anything to fight back because of the legal amount of money I have already had to go through. I cant keep paying to defend myself so I have agreed to whatever his attorney has bullied me into signing. I have signed over a company we had together that was started with my money etc. We had it for 18 years and made great money. I gave up so much to him so he would just leave me alone.. but he didn't. He wins over and over... thats why I'm afraid to do anything about the rape. I'm afraid I would end up regretting it.

June 8, 2009 - 10:50am
(reply to Anonymous)

What a nightmare -- I can't even imagine what you're going through. Do you feel that you have good legal representation? It sounds like the courts aren't helping you any, but what about your attorney?

It's wonderful that you are dating a great guy and that your kids like him. Is he understanding and supportive of you as you deal with the craziness your ex is dishing out?

June 8, 2009 - 11:10am

Anon, You have amazing strength and I admire your courage. Alison provided some wonderful resources that I know you'll find useful. If you could follow up with her, I have no doubt that you both can work together to move to a spot of even greater empowerment. Please keep us updated and know that you have support here.

June 8, 2009 - 10:07am

Kudos to you for your courage to start discussing it which will help you deal with these events in your life. I would encourage you to seek some counseling to help you deal with these events.

I'm sure your story will help other women to come to terms with similar situations. Thanks for posting your story. I'm sure you will find the help you need.

June 8, 2009 - 9:00am
EmpowHER Guest

Posting on this site is a big step in your empowerment process. Good for you for doing what you need to do to make your life right.

June 7, 2009 - 9:46pm

Anon, I just want to let you know that I really feel for you and the horrendous experiences you endured.

You're one strong, amazing woman to speak out like this and to be willing to face what happened and stand up for yourself.

June 7, 2009 - 9:30pm

Dear anonymous,

I am so sorry that you have been through this horrific situation, and are still struggling to get away from your harasser and attacker.

Yes, you have many options available to you, and it depends on which state you live in. You can view the "Statues of Limitation" website by clicking here: http://www.rainn.org/public-policy/sexual-assault-issues/state-statutes-of-limitations.

Please feel free to send me a individual message (click on my hyperlinked name), and tell me what state you live in, and I can provide you with more specific information. For example, I live in a more "conservative" state, and the "sexual assault" limitation is 10 years; it depends how the rape or assault is defined.

Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.
They can provide you with information, support and guidance on your next steps, and help women in your situation. They can help you through the criminal justice system, refer you to local resources, and much more.

Are you in a safe place right now? Do you know where your local women's shelter is located? If you are in immediate danger, please do not hesitate to call 911.

There is also a National Sexual Assault Hotline (RAINN) at 1.800.656.HOPE, and they say, "who should use the hotline? Victims of sexual assault (whether their attack took place today or decades ago)".
You can also use the online hotline: http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/

Here is information about domestic violence, rape and sexual assault, including drugs used for sexual assault:
- What is Domestic Violence?". Many of these statements/indicators of abuse you mentioned in your post.
- Am I Being Abused?
- Types of Sexual Assault. Partner Rape is defined as, "sexual acts committed without a person's consent and/or against a person's will when the perpetrator is the individual's current partner (married or not), previous partner, or co-habitator." I would like to add that "against a person's will" and "without consent" also includes being drugged, as you are unable to give consent when you are under the influence of alcohol and other drugs.

Please let us know if this information helps, and if you need any additional information or support.

June 7, 2009 - 8:41pm
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